Gay Men Dating Exes

There are so many problems specific to men who date men, or women who date women. Here's one this gay man is facing at the moment.

Moment Of Zen

Gay Travel Guide: Istanbul

If you have not been to Istanbul before, it is recommended to start with understanding the special gay culture of this city. Being the most crowded city of Turkey, Istanbul is the heart of Turkish gay life. Although Turkey is undergoing a rapid change, certain things are still very traditional and peculiar in this country. The gay culture is a good sample of this. Taking immigration from all over the country, Istanbul is a summary of the whole Turkey.

Turkish Gay Culture
Turkey has got a traditional bisexual or hetero-flexible culture taking its root from the history. The classic gay relationship is between real gay men and bi-curios men. In this culture the bisexual men would never consider themselves as gay - or even bisexual, and the gay-partners are mostly expected to be more feminine/queer. Hetero-flexible/bisexual guys are supposedly top (aktif = active is the common word in local culture) and do not have sex with each other. This culture can better be defined as buggery or sodomy in the western meaning. As a reflection of this bisexual culture, there is a big transvestite & transgender society in Istanbul and in other big cities of Turkey. In the last 20 years gay culture has been westernized rapidly, and the interactions between gays themselves have become more common. In fact there is still not a sharp distinction among the sexual orientations. The border-line is very transitional between straight, bisexual, gay, queer, transvestite and transgender people.

Safety and Warnings
According to the statistics Istanbul is listed among the safest metropolises in the world. But naturally, there are some risks in gay life as in other big cities of the world. Because of the under-developed economy and the wide-gap between the rich and the poor you can encounter some malicious people. You do not need to worry too much, as long as you know what is happening and behave accordingly. The most common criminal incident is robbery, as everywhere. This does not usually happen in central locations or in gay bars and clubs, but it is rather likely if you go somewhere with someone whom you know nothing about. If you don't carry a lot of valuable things and money on you when you are out for cruising especially in places like parks, nothing significant should happen. Do not go with local people (especially with bisexual men) to their places, and prefer public venues such as hamams or saunas instead, if your hotel is not suitable.

Istanbul Gay Pride
Avoid some tourist-hustlers who usually hang around Taksim and sometimes around Sultanahmet districts. They will try to take you to some scam clubs to rip you off. Your bill can be up to several thousand Euros depending how far you follow your basic instincts instead of your logic. There are few clubs/bars like that but their hustlers are always around who are said to be taking commissions from them. Simply stay away from people in these neighborhoods who are too friendly all of a sudden, no matter what their stories are.

If it is your first time in Istanbul, it is recommended to make a discovery tour to find the locations of gay bars and clubs in day time. It is not wise to ask people directions at night, because you can bump into a crook or get lost in risky back-streets. If you can afford, we highly recommend you to hire a private guide from Pride Travel

Another less significant risk is; some taxi drivers may over-ride tourists to charge them more. Although rarely it is also heard that some drivers may also switch the big banknotes with smaller ones, and blames you for giving the smaller note. It is better if you really pay them with small banknotes, indeed. If you have a problem with taxi drivers, write down the plate number of the taxi explicitly (make sure he understands), and try to tell him that you will go to the police ('police' sounds the same in Turkish). If you do not want to experience such head-aches on your holiday it may be wise to ask taxi driver how much you will pay for the place you go before you get in. You may ask your hotel receptions to call you a taxi driver which they know.

In general feel at home and even be a little snob when necessary. Make sure that there is law in this country, and fight for your rights if needed. In fact ordinary Turkish people are very hospitable and nice people, but do not expect everyone you meet will be like that in such nightlife or tourist districts of the city. Istanbul is a big metropolis ultimately, where you can meet any kind of people.

Gay Activities
The gay activities have become more and more visible during the last 20 years. The number of the gay venues has increased rapidly especially during the last 15 years. Taksim district of Beyoglu town on the European side of Istanbul is the center of almost all major gay venues. In fact, this district is the center of local night life. There are many modern or traditional gay clubs, bars, saunas and hamams near the Taksim/Beyoglu area. This neighborhood is also frequented by many (mostly bisexual) rent-boys. Some of these boys can really be as handsome as film-stars indeed. There are also many clubs for transvestites and transsexuals in Taksim district. Indeed, the gay life of Istanbul is very colorful and vibrant. The first gay and lesbian organization of Turkey called Lambda Istanbul is also located in Istanbul.

Ethnicity
Majority of Turks are a mixture between Caucasian (white) and Mediterranean ethnicity in appearance, and if not so many you can also see blond Turkish men with color eyes. Contrary to popular wisdom Turkish people have no direct language or ethnic connection with the Arabs except the religion and its cultural influence. In fact, Turkish people are relatively hybridized because it has been a land of immigration throughout the history as a result of its geographical position like a bridge between Asia and Europe. Kurdish oriented Turkish citizens have slightly darker complexion than average Turks. They are the second largest ethnic group in Turkey (predictably a 15 % of total population). Kurdish-oriented men are popular attraction group among some local gay men in big cities, similar to the interest for Latin guys in Western countries. The third less visible ethnicity would be Arabic oriented people, living mostly in the cities along the border of Syria. There are also people named Laz especially concentrated in the 3 cities along the far Eastern Black Sea coastal area of Turkey (near the border of Georgia, former Republic of Soviet Union). The word 'Laz' is used as a regional & cultural definition within Turkey, rather than ethnicity. Istanbul is a city of domestic emigration and houses a total mixture of all these ethnicities from all around Turkey, also including fewer non-Muslim ethnicities such as Greeks, Armenians, Jews who had settled in the city long time ago.

Law and regulations
There is not any law against homosexuality in Turkey since the beginning of the republic period (1923). In fact, there is not any law at all concerning homosexuality. In theory, some general laws can be applied if you make sex in places open to public, but it is never heard of such an incident in real life. The age of consent is 18, which also applies as the age limit to be able to enter bars and clubs selling alcohol. Regardless of the sexual orientation, any sexual intercourse with someone below the age of consent is regarded as pedophilia and it is illegal even if it is done with the approval of the minor partner, which is punished with imprisonment from 6 months to 2 years (Turkish penal code, article 104).

Although there are still some defects with her democracy, Turkey is the most secular and democratic "Muslim country" in the world, closer to the western culture if a comparison needs to be made. New democratic legislations enacted by the parliament in 2001 and 2002 have improved this situation further more. Unfortunately, when a new constitutional law was being discussed to punish various discriminations in late 2004, sexual orientation was omitted by the Government members of the national assembly at the last minute. When critics grow, the Minister of Justice of that time stated that the phrase which means "discrimination against sexuality" already taking place in related law would automatically cover "sexual orientation" as well. Even this can be considered as sign of positive change in mentality of the society regarding gay people, when considering the government was formed by the most conservative party that ever came to power in Turkey.

HIV Statistics
The official numbers of HIV + people in Turkey is still stated by just a few thousands, Istanbul being the leading city, naturally. A total of 3671 people are diagnosed to have Aids/HIV virus by 2009 in whole of Turkey, according to the statistics of the Ministry of Health; and homosexuals hold a very small percentage of these official numbers. But the real number should be much bigger than this. Majority of Turkish society is still conservative about certain things and HIV is still regarded as a sexual disease. Less-educated part of the population are not very knowledgeable/careful about safe sex. Consequently the people either do not take any HIV tests or tend to hide themselves, and it is not very possible to obtain accurate numbers.

Gay Men's "Health Clubs": A Smaller City Perspective

Perhaps even before bars could openly call themselves "gay" or openly cater to the gay community, men's "bath houses" (a.k.a. spas, or "health clubs") have been popular. And even in today's "sex via internet hookup" environment, men's bath houses continue to thrive. Most of America's larger cities have at least one gay bath house- and Milwaukee is no exception.

For those who have never been in a gay men’s bath house, this type of establishment is typically a place for consenting men to find nearly-anonymous sex. Upon checking in, a man will be assigned either a locker or private changing room, and will shed all clothes, spending the remainder of his time at the location clad only in a towel. The typical facility will have showers, a steam room and/or sauna, and usually a hot tub, plus a TV lounge, and perhaps an outdoor patio. There will usually also be workout equipment- however infrequently used. Men will “cruise” each other in the various rooms and facilities, and if so inclined “hook up” with one or more other men- usually in a changing room, sometimes (although discouraged) in a common area. The atmosphere is largely one of anonymity. These businesses are popular with both gay men and bisexual men (especially those who are closeted, and/or traveling to the city); it holds great attraction for men into exhibitionism or voyeurism as well.

For some men, this environment lends an air of excitement– but also makes the business a source of some controversy in both the “straight” and LGBT community. The open availability and practice of sexual activities is perhaps easily attacked. But on the other hand, it can be legitimately argued that these types of businesses provide a controlled and private environment for activity that might otherwise take place in a public place: a park, public restroom, alley, or cars. And as some more liberal countries (such as the Netherlands) have found, such controlled outlets for sexual activities (including legalized prostitution) also are proven to reduce the health risk because of their controlled and regulated nature. But for some reason the U.S. continues to be mired in religious fervor more often than reasoned tolerance: whatever happened to the concept of “live and let live” and acceptance of diversity (as long as it doesn’t hurt others) is a mystery.

The first men's bath house documented in Milwaukee is the Finlandia Health Spa (a.k.a. Le Club Finlandia), located at 707 E. Knapp St.. It advertised throughout the publication of the GPU News (1971-1981) as a typical gay bath house, or spa, advertising "Roman pool, private saunas, swedish massage". There was also a gay men’s bath house in Kenosha in the early-mid 1970’s: the Kenosha Steam Baths (on 60th St.) advertised in gay media from the early 1970s until about 1976. (Editors note: we are advised that as of Jan. 2007 this business is still open, but not exclusively gay or even men-only: thus discretion is advised!)

With the rise of gay bars, more health clubs also opened. In 1974 two men’s spas opened in Milwaukee. The Club Bath Milwaukee, a local affiliate of the then-popular national Club Bath chain, opened, in the alley behind 704 W. Wisconsin Ave. (the entrance almost directly facing the Fire Dept. administration building). And in the same year, the Club Health Spa opened at 225 E. St. Paul, possibly owned by the same people as the River Queen (the two businesses advertised together).

In the late 1970s, the Club Milwaukee (Club Baths affiliate), which had opened in 1974, was one of the focal points of the gay men’s community. They held annual “Mr. Club Milwaukee” contests, and held promotional events for the GPU, a gay church parish, and other businesses. Even the legendary Factory Bar got in on the action: in 1978 its owner, Chuck Cicirello opened the Broadway Health Club, upstairs from the Factory at 158 N. Broadway.

But men’s health clubs in Milwaukee had now reached a critical mass, and had attracted the attention of the homophobic police department. In 1979 several violent raids on gay men’s bath houses were launched by the Milwaukee Police Department, led by its homophobic Chief, Harold Breier. These resulted in dozens of arrests, and angry street protests by the gay community. Within 2-3 years nearly all of the gay men’s spas in Milwaukee had closed.

Somehow the Club Milwaukee Baths managed to survive the police harassment- perhaps manager Paul DeMarco’s involvement in the founding of the Cream City Business Association (CCBA) in 1981 had a hand in that. But its death knell was the HIV and AIDS health crisis. Almost as soon as the “gay plague” first came to be suspected, both men’s bath houses, and poppers, were near the top of everyone’s list of villains in the crisis-- believed to either cause or contribute to the spread of the disease. It was now the public health authorities who were keeping a close eye on any activities they thought might be sources of contagion. The pressure from health authorities was too much, and in February 1988, the Club Bath Milwaukee succumbed and closed it doors- a trend nationwide as virtually the entire Club Bath chain was closed down, city by city.

Larger cities managed to retain a few bath houses throughout the worst years of the AIDS crisis, almost all locally owned and operated, and some have survived for 20 years or more. In Chicago for example, both Man’s Country and Steamworks have thrived- and these have continued to be meccas for gay men from Wisconsin looking to engage in that type of activity.

After more than a 10 year absence, gay men’s bath houses are seeing a slow resurgence throughout the country, although confined to primarily the largest cities. Milwaukee gained a new spa in 2000 (a local affiliate of an 8-location chain, mostly based in the southwest US), but it has been on tender footing with police and health authorities. It does its best to maintain order, and the BESTD Clinic has cooperated by holding HIV screenings at the local spa about twice a month, and also working with them on any other health scares, helping them show a sense of responsibility for the health of their patrons.

But still, even in the 21st century, there is some police and health authority harassment in the conservative Milwaukee environment. As recently as in the past year, the local spa has been forced to observe ridiculous rules from time to time (such as mandating that changing room doors must be left open when occupied, for example). How long the local spa can remain open remains to be seen- and many Wisconsin gay men still prefer the more populated (and more anonymous) bath houses in more-liberal Chicago.

Courtesy of Q-Life

A Men's Guide To Cologne

Many of you dudes don’t know much about cologne. That is fine, hopefully you will learn a thing or five here. The perfect example of a person who doesn’t know much about cologne- and I don’t mean to sound racist- is an Armenian male *like %60 of them.* Have you ever been around one!? If you have, you know what I am talking about; and if you haven’t, let me explain. Imagine standing in front of the Bellagio and watching their water show. Now replace the water with pepper spray. So now imagine a pepper spray show at the Bellagio. Yes, lots of tears, no Oxygen and whole lot of “What the fuck is this!?!?”

So what is cologne exactly?
Well, not what you think. You and every other American male have been programmed by marketers to think cologne is for men and perfume is for women. Completely wrong. Don’t freak out (seriously, don’t freak out) but in the original French, the word for “fragrance” – for both sexes, is parfum; cologne is a very specific parfum, a light version that comes from the city of Koln (thus the name), based on citrus (lemon, grapefruit, bergamot).

But obviously I should wear “men’s” fragrances, right?
Wrong again. Anyone who knows anything about scent (that’s you now) knows that dividing fragrances in “masculines” and “feminines”, as the industry does, is just a marketing device to give straight American guys psychological permission to wear them (which European and gay guys don’t need). As Hermes perfumer Jean-Claude Ellena puts it “Scent is art. Is there a painting only for women? A symphony for men?” Authentic houses don’t gender their highest-end scents: Tom Ford’s Private Blend, the Hermessence collection, Chanel’s Les Exclusifs, Armani PrivÃ.

Where and How to Apply
1. The tops of your forearms – and skip your wrists.
2. On either side of your neck.
3. A shot inside your T-shirt and down your back.
4. For God’s sake, watch the volume. Hopefully, you’re not playing your iPod so loudly passersby can hear it – you shouldn’t be blasting your scent, either.

Where to Store It
Best: In the refrigerator. Constant and cool temperature, no light to damage the juice, as little oxygen exposure as possible.
Worst: On a sunny windowsill or your bathroom, where the climate fluctuates with each shower. Or the glove compartment of your car.

What to Look For
If you haven’t done a thorough recon of what’s out there since high school – and you’ve never heard of perfume makers like Le Labo, Serge Lutens, Andy Tauer (he’s Swiss) and Frederic Malle – you’re starting at zero. They produce things with the three technical aspects you want: (1) persistence (it lasts more than thirty minutes on your skin) (2) performance (how well it diffuses when sprayed) and (3) structure (the raw materials fit well together). The fourth quality is your own: Do you love it? Do other people? The only way to know is to try several. Keep one on your right arm, one on your left, and pay attention to who notices.

What to Avoid
Steer clear of anything that reads “Dad,” stamps an invisible date on you (1986, say), or suggest you want to start a harem. And don’t worry about whether it smells like it’s for a guy, or be seduced by “masculine” classifications like “woods,” “citrus,” and “spice.” Focus on whether it smells good. Dior Homme is an iris for men and one of the best scents you can buy. The Different Company has an amazing, smoky, spicy rose, Rose Poivrée (unisex!), and applying Comme des Garcons 2 for women is like putting on a $2,000 pair of shoes.

The Well-Groomed Man’s Scent Wardrobe

Your closet holds a mix of basics and standouts; your olfactory inventory should be equally diverse

-Vetiver Babylon Giorgio Armani
Vetiver (and Indian grass) is green and lemony. It makes this unisex from Armani’s Prive collection less ferocious than the 1959 men’s-only version; subtle, clean, it’s the navy suit of the group.

-Happy for Men Clinique
This is like a basic blue oxford that turns out to be a cool twist on the traditional business shirt. it smells like citrus mixed with nitrous oxide – or mandarin oranges grown on Mars.

-Light Blue for Women Dolce & Gabbana
That’s right – in the “feminine” Light Blue, perfumer Olivier Cresp has created for D&G a perfect scent for guys (sorry, ladies). The combination: Sicilian lemon peel, green apple, and cedar.

-Tom Ford Extreme Tom Ford
Here’s a “men’s” fragrance that’s awesome on every level. It’s recognizably male without being a cliche – no “soap” or “deodorant” smells – and perfectly spiced and as sleek as a Maserati.

-Un Jardin Sur le Nil Hermes
A unisex, this stuff is as far evolved from Drakkar Noir as a Lexus hybrid is from a ’63 Beetle: It smells of unripe mango-peel in a cool breeze under a tropical sky. Fragrance doesn’t get better.

-Fresh colognes have a nice greenery and citrus smell to them and favor guys who are intensely goal-oriented while being quite easy going.
· Lacoste Essential, Calvin Klein Escape, Giorgio Armani Acqua Di Gio Pour Homme

-Aromatic colognes contain fruity and spicy scents that help excentuate guys with sophisticated styles and the ability to make everything around them seem cool.
· Dolce & Gabbana Pour Homme, Calvin Klein Eternity For Men, Davidoff Cool Water

-Woody colognes work great for strong leaders with the tendency to nurture and listen to those around them.
· Cartier Must Pour Homme, John Varvatos Vintage, Valentino Valentino V Pour Homme

When To Apply
The best time to apply your cologne is after a shower before you’ve put on your shirt. Spray the cologne into the air and walk into it. If you’re already dressed, the back of your neck and wrist areas are your next best bet since they naturally diffuse more scent then the rest of your body. Never spray cologne on your clothes.

Remember that hotter it gets the more intense the scents from your cologne will be, especially when combined with your sweat. Go lighter in the summer, and heavier in the winter. Oilier skins tend to amplify the scents a bit, so take it easy.

Trying Cologne
Upscale fragrance counters like the ones at Neiman Marcus love to hand you samples of their latest cologne on strips of paper. Although this is a great sales technique, keep in mind though that scents smell very different on paper, than they do after they’ve dried on your skin. The best way to test a cologne is to spray a small amount on the inside of your wrist, wait a few minutes, and take a quick whiff. This dry down is what the lovely lady you’re trying to attract will actually smell.

Did you learn anything? I really hope you did. Do it the right way and you will have this happen all the time.

T.G.I.F.! Here's Some Men Smooching

Mythbusting: What Gay Men Really Do In Bed

In the popular discussion of gay sexuality, anal sex looms large. It is invoked to deny gay people equal rights. It is used to categorically ban them from donating blood. Gay men are labeled by type based on whether they prefer to give or receive it. A new study hopes to propose a more nuanced picture of what gay men actually do in bed.

In the Journal of Sexual Medicine, researchers from Indiana University and George Mason University surveyed nearly 25,000 gay and bisexual men in an effort to better understand how they experience sex. The study hopes to combat "the almost exclusive focus" on HIV in most academic research on gay male sexual behavior, as well as to increase understanding of the "diversity and complexity of these men’s sexual lives." To do that, they asked gay and bisexual-identified men ages 18 to 87 to chart their most recent sexual experience. Did it involve kissing, cuddling, masturbation, oral sex, anal sex? Did it happen with a boyfriend, spouse, stranger, or sex worker? Was it in a car, a home, a club? Were condoms used?

The results: Despite the popular perception, "sexual behaviors involving the anus were least common," researchers found. Around 75 percent of participants reported kissing their partners, giving oral sex, and/or receiving oral sex in their most recent sexual encounters. By contrast, only 36 percent of men reporting receiving anal sex and 34 percent of men reporting giving it. Half of participants who engaged in anal sex employed a condom. The most common series of activities in the encounter—reported by 16 percent of men—involved "holding their partner romantically, kissing partner on mouth, solo masturbation, masturbating partner, masturbation by partner, and genital–genital contact."

When blood screeners ask men if they've ever had sex with another man, what do they mean? Though the U.K. draws a distinction between engaging in oral, anal, or manual sex, the United States bans gay men from donating blood for life if they've ever engaged in sex with another man. "Sex" is undefined. This study suggests that many gay men are not even regularly engaging in anal sex, the sexual activity that puts them at greatest risk of disease transmission. When they are, many of them use protection. At the same time, almost half of straight women today will engage in anal sex. If they do it with a man who also sleeps with men, they'll only be barred from donating blood for one year.

Gay rights advocate Peter Tatchell has argued that blood donors ought to be treated as individuals, not sexualities. He suggests that eligibility questionnaires "be made more detailed for men who've had sex with men, in order to more accurately identify the degree of risk." Hopefully, studies like these can help foster accuracy on a cultural level, too. The more we know about the way people really have sex, the harder it is to file straight and gay people into easy categories: one safe, the other risky; one natural, the other dirty; one in this hole, one in the other.

http://www.good.is