Gay Dating Sucks: Your Companion Guide

T.G.I.F.! Here's Some Men Smooching

2012-01-27T13:16:00.001-08:00

Mythbusting: What Gay Men Really Do In Bed

2012-01-27T13:10:00.000-08:00

In the popular discussion of gay sexuality, anal sex looms large. It is invoked to deny gay people equal rights. It is used to categorically ban them from donating blood. Gay men are labeled by type based on whether they prefer to give or receive it. A new study hopes to propose a more nuanced picture of what gay men actually do in bed.

In the Journal of Sexual Medicine, researchers from Indiana University and George Mason University surveyed nearly 25,000 gay and bisexual men in an effort to better understand how they experience sex. The study hopes to combat "the almost exclusive focus" on HIV in most academic research on gay male sexual behavior, as well as to increase understanding of the "diversity and complexity of these men’s sexual lives." To do that, they asked gay and bisexual-identified men ages 18 to 87 to chart their most recent sexual experience. Did it involve kissing, cuddling, masturbation, oral sex, anal sex? Did it happen with a boyfriend, spouse, stranger, or sex worker? Was it in a car, a home, a club? Were condoms used?

The results: Despite the popular perception, "sexual behaviors involving the anus were least common," researchers found. Around 75 percent of participants reported kissing their partners, giving oral sex, and/or receiving oral sex in their most recent sexual encounters. By contrast, only 36 percent of men reporting receiving anal sex and 34 percent of men reporting giving it. Half of participants who engaged in anal sex employed a condom. The most common series of activities in the encounter—reported by 16 percent of men—involved "holding their partner romantically, kissing partner on mouth, solo masturbation, masturbating partner, masturbation by partner, and genital–genital contact."

When blood screeners ask men if they've ever had sex with another man, what do they mean? Though the U.K. draws a distinction between engaging in oral, anal, or manual sex, the United States bans gay men from donating blood for life if they've ever engaged in sex with another man. "Sex" is undefined. This study suggests that many gay men are not even regularly engaging in anal sex, the sexual activity that puts them at greatest risk of disease transmission. When they are, many of them use protection. At the same time, almost half of straight women today will engage in anal sex. If they do it with a man who also sleeps with men, they'll only be barred from donating blood for one year.

Gay rights advocate Peter Tatchell has argued that blood donors ought to be treated as individuals, not sexualities. He suggests that eligibility questionnaires "be made more detailed for men who've had sex with men, in order to more accurately identify the degree of risk." Hopefully, studies like these can help foster accuracy on a cultural level, too. The more we know about the way people really have sex, the harder it is to file straight and gay people into easy categories: one safe, the other risky; one natural, the other dirty; one in this hole, one in the other.

http://www.good.is

Low self-esteem, no self confidence, and no looks. How to turn it all around?

2012-01-27T12:54:00.000-08:00

Hello guys, name’s Shavian and I’m 20 years of age. I’ve have some experiences with gay men and by some, I mean about three or four in my life. All, of which, I met and felt terribly shy, awkward and downright well unappreciated. It would last only a couple of weeks before I became alone, yet again. Yes I’m a twink and no I’m not effeminate but I’m defiantly a bottom. (Not that anything’s wrong with being effeminate and that there’s any correlation between being effeminate and being a bottom.)I’ve always wanted to be with a real masculine, let’s build a house type of guy but when I see them I turn into jello and can’t operate, and I know that they’re gay. I’m 20, still look like I’m 16 and don’t know how to market myself at all. It’s awkward because I’m tall, lanky, I wear glasses, not muscular and I give off this “don’t touch me” vibe that others seem to listen to very quickly and be on their merry little way. I guess what I would like to know is, how do I pick up a man’s man? How to get pick up by a man’s man? How to stop being a dork? Tips, trademark skills, looks, social skills…. Anything would be nice. Thanks a lot guys.

Answer from a reader:

I wouldn't know about picking up guys but I can help you with your appearance and self-esteem. My advice to you would be to be comfortable with yourself, even if you really aren't just make it seem like you are. It is very attractive when a guy has confidence in himself and feels good in his own skin. With helping you look a little older than you look I would suggest maybe changing your style a little, hairstyle and the way you act to a more mature person. I myself am very awkward as well so I know how you feel about interacting with guys lol I'd say when talking to a guy you are interested in relax and be yourself. Flirt, make him laugh if you can. You could play around with him and like push him away or something (in a playful way) to test out how he reacts to it. If he pulls away then that isn't a good sign but if he smiles and/or does the same then that is a good sign. Tease them sometimes, this makes them somehow very interested in talking to you for some reason lol Try to be more comfortable with guys (or at least seem that way) and some amazing guy will someday come by and want to be with you :)

Interracial Gay Relationships

2012-01-26T09:45:00.000-08:00

Lauren Olson, M.D. gives her take on interracial dating.

I received this interesting E-mail from Dan Collier and I asked his permission to post it here:

Fascinating series of articles; fascinating and sensitive and powerful.

As an aging gay white male who didn’t come out until I was in my mid-forties, the entire issue of interracial dating intrigues me. I dated women through college, my twenties and into my mid-thirties. Until I finally uttered the three fateful words to myself: “I am gay.” Probably 80% of the women I dated in those years were Black. And by the time I was in my late twenties, I dated only Black women.

When I started dating men, I realized that I had moved from Black women to Black men. In fact, I have dated almost exclusively Black men since acknowledging my homosexuality to myself.

While there may well be some sort of early childhood psychological moment which led to this, I suspect not. The plain and simple fact is that I have always been attracted to people with dark skin. As long as I can remember, in college, when I’d see three women — one Black, two white — from a block away, my eye would gravitate to the dark-skinned woman. Instinctively, before I ever knew what she looked like.

I am attracted by dark ebony skin and African features. I adore rich full lips and a wide dominant nose.

There is no fetish aspect to this (at least that I am aware), nor is there anything to do with race play, white guilt, etc. Again, at least that I am aware.

God knows, interracial dating (gay or heterosexual) is fraught with complexities, a mine field of emotional explosives.

And many of the Black men I’ve dated have challenged me on my desire for the man of African descent. While they might be proud to be admired and loved by another man, there is a side which remains skeptical, which remains suspicious, of a white man’s motives.
I fully understand this. And, sadly, it will be many, many decades before slavery’s horrible and oh-so tragic legacy has been consigned to history.

Thanks much for these stories of other men. They are brilliant.

Dan

Here is my response to Dan:

Thank you for you thoughtful comments and support. I believe our stories are so important, especially to those men who remain feeling guilty and conflicted.

I have not addressed interracial relationships in my book or on the blog, mostly because I would be writing about something about which I know very little.

What you have written about Black men not trusting your intentions and sincerity reminds me some of how older men feel about younger men who are attracted to older men albeit much more complex because of the understandable resistance most Black men have to self-identifying as gay. Until I heard K. D. Alston’s story, I did not understand how the roots of that date back to our painful history of slavery.

Thanks again.

Loren

Then I received the following...

Hey, Loren:

Interracial dating (gay or straight) can be so very complicated, no doubt about it. But when some of the barriers and sensitivities are broken down, it is so extraordinarily satisfying. To come to know and appreciate and welcome and understand and embrace a world outside your own is a tremendous … well, up!

As I mentioned, I dated Black women before I came out of denial and acknowledged my homosexuality to myself. I learned in my college years that, as a white man, as a member of the majority culture, it was incumbent on me to put aside my preconceived ideas about race, about racial identity, about what race meant in late 20th Century America. [I needed to] put aside my sensitivity about criticism of white culture, in other words, to look at our society from an outsider’s prism-of-vision; i.e., from a Black perspective.

It’s funny, but I was so naive as a young man, and truly astonished to learn just how much racial identity is oh-so up-front and personal in the daily life of someone who is Black. When I’d be spending the day with a Black girl friend, and the simplest moment – for example, waiting on line to be served, — could turn racial. The clerk behind the counter might ask a white person ahead of my Black girl firend — all innocence, or was it?

Seeing this from a Black’s point of view opened up a whole new dimension to the human experience for me. There are so many moments, in every single day, which are layered with racial ambiguity. And Blacks must negotiate these moments dozens and dozens of time, every day, every week, every month.

We, as whites, never have to deal with our racial identity, we are the dominant culture, we set the pace, we make the rules. Although, these rules are slowly being upended and changed, the game is no longer necessarily within the left/right field foul lines. Our increasingly diverse society is widening the foul poles. And, to be honest, I wonder if some of the discontent in our country today isn’t based on the new foul lines?

And, when you add to a Black person’s everyday experience the fact that she/he is gay, this makes what was a complicated experience even more difficult. Being Black and Gay adds yet another wall to becoming faceless in the white world.

But it is so very worth the effort. I am a far better person for seeing the world through the lens of the Black experience.

Loren’s response:

I remember once traveling to Mexico with my partner. One American woman pitched a fit that her hotel didn’t have cable TV and USA Today. Apparently the only thing in Mexico she was willing to appreciate was the sunshine.

We get a much better view of our own world when we put ourselves in someone else’s world. After having traveled abroad, my view of the United States certainly changed.

Unfortunately, too many people move into another world and want to change it to be more like the world they just left. They fail to appreciate their new experience but rather de-value it as something less than their own.

VIdeo: Gaydar Game

2012-01-26T09:38:00.000-08:00

Funny video from The Graham Norton Show in the UK.

A reminder what we all are striving for...

2012-01-24T09:36:00.000-08:00

The #1 gay matchmaking experts on the net can help you realize that photo above. Visit Gayquation

What It's Like To Be Gay in Tajikistan

2012-01-24T09:31:00.000-08:00

Like many 28-year-olds in Tajikistan, Parviz is married. He and his wife have three children that they adore. But Parviz has a secret he can't even share with his closest loved ones.

"I got married at age 20 because my family put a lot of pressure on me," he told EurasiaNet.org, sitting far from prying ears in a quiet corner of Dushanbe's Botanical Garden. "Soon after, I went to Russia to work at a market in Yekaterinburg. It was there that I first realized that I liked men and I began to go to gay bars and parks where men met."

There's a reason Tajikistan's lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community (LGBT) remains one of the most closed and secretive parts of Tajik society.

Homophobia is widespread thanks to "traditional attitudes and the strong influence of Islam," says Kiromiddin Gulov, director of Equal Opportunities, a local NGO established in 2009 to help Tajikistan's LGBT community with legal, medical and moral support. "The population at large does not tolerate or accept LGBT people in general. There are some people who are friends or communicate with the LGBT community, but they are very few."

Many Tajiks believe that homosexuality is "a sin and that such people should be killed or isolated," Gulov explained. Others see it as a disease to be cured: "There are examples where families treated young people through the expulsion of evil spirits and reading verses from the Koran."

"Homosexuality is contrary to nature," said an official from the Ministry of Health, who spoke to EurasiaNet.org on condition of anonymity because she is not authorized to speak to the press.

"Although it [homosexuality] has been removed from the [government's] list of treatable illnesses, many doctors still see it as a disease which can be treated with medicine. I have heard reports of the use of aversion therapy, psychiatric treatment and the use of testosterone-boosting drugs."

Parviz doesn't believe anything is wrong with him, but he knows to keep his secret from his relatives and friends. "I cannot tell my family. I'm scared they would not accept me for being who I am and I would bring shame on them," he said.

Whereas in the Soviet Union homosexuality was punishable by up to five years in prison, in Tajikistan it was de-criminalized in 1998. Though Tajikistan's criminal code does not prohibit homosexuality and homosexual relationships, LGBT individuals are still singled out for persecution by some officials. A 2011 report on sexual rights in Tajikistan co-written by Equal Opportunities, the Bishkek-based LGBT organization Labrys, and a coalition of international LGBT rights groups, highlighted widespread police harassment. The paper lists regular cases of blackmail, arbitrary arrest and physical violence against LGBT individuals, mostly gay men.

When 23-year-old office worker Said told his best friend that he was gay, he did not realize the mistake he was making. "I trusted him, but he was disgusted and told me I was going to hell," Said told me. Soon after, the police knocked on his family's door. His father answered and the police asked to speak with Said. "I stepped out in the hallway and they told me that if I did not pay them 1,000 somoni [$210] they would tell my parents about my orientation. What could I do? I paid them the money and they left me alone. I was scared they would come back, so I moved."

Said considers himself relatively lucky. In 2011, after being subjected to continuous blackmail, a 20-year-old gay flight attendant, Ravshan Uzakov hanged himself, the BBC's Russian language service reported. And last year in Dushanbe, a gay student was stabbed seven times and later died of his injuries. Police swiftly closed the case and labeled the attack a robbery.

For Parviz, there is only one solution - the relative safety of Russia, where hate crimes against homosexuals occur nevertheless. He is one of hundreds of thousands of Tajik men who travel to Russia annually to find work. "There I have more freedom to pursue the kind of relations I want," he said.

This article originally appeared at EurasiaNet.org, an Atlantic partner site.

Enhancing gay sex positions: being a better bottom

2012-01-24T09:24:00.000-08:00

Andy in New York has sent us in this piece about what the bottom can do to help make sex better. He writes: Although I don't like the labels of 'top' and 'bottom' and I believe that every gay man should experience being both, I myself prefer to bottom. All too often, bottoms just lie there and take it, but they don't really participate because they don't think that there is anything they can do. I disagree and the following is a list of things to try as a bottom.

1) GETTING HIS PENIS IN YOU - The first thing you need to know as a bottom, is that it does not have to hurt going in and your partner should not have to wince while trying to get it in. When you're both lubed up and ready to go, ask him to relax you. If you're not relaxed, it will be rough when he enters you. Take his hand or a couple of his fingers and gently lead them up and down your crack to your anus. Tops usually pick up on this and start by lubing up a couple of fingers and working your hole a little bit. This can be a big help, especially when you're with a big top. And when he goes to insert his member, push out slightly and then relax it as he enters you. Something so simple can make a very big difference and it's never a bad idea to slow it down by doing either of these two things. It gives you both more of a sensual experience.

2) WORK IT! - Even though it doesn't seem like you are in complete control, you are! It is you who decides when enough is enough and ultimately you who controls his pleasure. I have found that when you are in almost any position but especially when you are in the missionary position, all you need to do is use your own strength. Slowly push yourself toward him while he is inside you. This will let him know that you are enjoying it and want to participate more. This tends to be a shock to most tops, but none of them have complained so far!

3) TEASE HIM! - So many tops like to tease their partners, so why not return the exotic pleasure of a good tease? When you see or hear or feel that your partner is getting ready to shoot his wad, pull back or up depending on the position and force his member out of you. This is really only a good idea if you intimately know the person you're with and know his moans, groans and facial expressions. If you don't know what they are, then do not use this because then you might end up with him shooting and you still looking for the final blow yourself. So, use caution when proceeding with this suggestion. Learn your partner's ticks and see how you can work with them.

4) BE CREATIVE - Don't be afraid to suggest a different position or try something kinky. All too many bottoms feel that it's not their place to make sexual suggestions. Don't be a push-over, let your partner know that you want to try something new or put a spin on something old. You need to make sure that you are both satisfied and if things get boring in the bedroom, that is when tensions run high. So, be creative, try new things and discover things that you never thought you (as a bottom) were capable of.

Remember that you are in control! Make his experience great and let him know that he's not the only one expelling energy in the bedroom.

Courtesy of TheLoversGuide

How Gay Men Talk About Depression

2012-01-21T20:27:00.000-08:00

Korner H, Newman C, Mao L, Kidd MR, Saltman D, & Kippax S (2010). ‘The black dog just came and sat on my face and built a kennel’: Gay men making sense of depression. Health (London, England : 1997) PMID: 21169202

The unpleasant title notwithstanding…

I was reading something in the weekend press, about how the affluent middle-class have ever so conveniently constructed themselves as the most oppressed and who, despite their considerable suffering, constantly rise to the challenge by buying organic groceries and participating in worm farm drives or other similarly socially-minded stuff. With the middle-class more oppressed than anyone, it figures that the strains of living under the hammer would be constructed around their paper clip problems and so, depression and similar fatigues are reconfigured to suit. Call it a freaky malaise of suburban cod-ordinariness.

The plasticity of depressive symptoms to assuage subjective needs makes a mockery of psychiatry’s claims that depression is a ‘real’ disease but for now, I do not intend to re-fry that old fish (2010, n.pag.). What intrigues me more so about this article by Korner et al. (2010), in which gay men discuss their own experiences of depression, is that despite the pick and choose nature of mental disorder, there remains hefty pressure to conform to the pick and choose diagnostic criteria contained within the DSM-IV (2010). Hence, almighty tensions can exist between depression ‘as is’ and depression as it ‘should’ be…

‘Decontextualized views of depression outside the lived experience impose a certain framework of reference on a patient’s experience without any regard of that experience (Galasinski, 2008a), leading to a disembodied understanding of depression which suppresses the plurality of meanings that arise out of experience (Masse, 2000). In fact, ignoring patients’ unique circumstances can raise questions about the validity of an instrument, as, for example, in the case of fatigue in people living with HIV/AIDS (Barroso and Sandelowski, 2001)’ (2010).

The authors (2010) borrow more Galasinski (2008b) to argue that depression is an ‘illness’ which is antithetical to masculine ideals. Men are meant to be ‘strong, successful [and] in control’ (2010) and yet normatively experienced, depression typically smashes the shite out of its sufferers. Herein lies the problematic of meshing and then trying to untangle what components, or symptoms of depression are associated with an organic disease state and what are, in fact, gendered behaviours that emerge from how men, and women for that matter, come to think that they are supposed to ‘do’ depression.

As much as we can ponder why a man self-confessed or called ‘depressed’ resists constructing himself as ‘ill’ (2010), we can ponder why a woman similarly afflicted might so easily give over to the medical hegemon…

So how do gay men do depression…?

The 40 gay men* interviewed by Korner et al. (2010) for this study gave up six (6) different constructions of depression…

1. as symptoms…

‘Oh, depression? It’s a state of depressed mood and inability to progress, things you need to do. Yeah, depressed, lowered mood and an inability to think yourself out beyond the emotional situation, I guess’ (1.2: Keith)’ (2010)

2. as experience…

‘It’s when you’re feeling that low you have to deal with everyday life. And you just feel like you can’t. Until the weight of it lifts. The hardest part is the cloudiness and no clarity. You can’t concentrate and you just feel miserable about everything. And you know, you just, no matter what you try you just can’t seem to lift out of it’ (2.1: Brad)’ (2010)

3. as agent…

‘It just sits there and brews. And usually for me it will end up brewing to the point where it will come out as anger. I won’t take it out on people…It will all brew very suddenly up until the point where I might catch the door, catch my finger in the door or something, and I’ll just put my foot through it’ (3.2: Brett)’ (2010)

4. as mental process…

‘For me depression is often a cyclical thing. I’m thinking cyclical thoughts. Just ruminating on one particular thing: ‘Nobody likes me’, you know? I have a mantra, negative ones usually, which I don’t use any more…And the way I would deal with problems is to go into them and just completely wrap myself up in them, and not let go of them at all (4.2: Mark)’ (2010)

5. as not meeting social expectations…

‘The meaning of life is confused and purposefulness in life is confused or probably not even there. So it’s a rather unpleasant experience. Particularly in the light of all the things that are required of an individual in a day of living: work, good humour and maintaining relationships, and all that sort of thing (5.3: Lucian)’ (2010)

6. as engaging with psychiatric discourse…

‘I know within the medical sphere that they have many different terminologies for depression, i.e. clinical, blah, blah, blah. But in terms of myself, in regards to my own path, depression is that black dog which has kept me company so many times throughout my life. It’s a very, very, very (italics in original), very faithful companion. One which is there. And having lost so many people in my life, it’s a faithful companion you can always rely on (6.3: Scott)’ (2010)

Gay men constitute a ‘subordinate masculinity’ (2010) and as such, we are expected to be emotionally frail and vulnerable to experience and express the textbook symptoms of depression (sobbing, faltering, withdrawing etc.). We are also expected to be more depressed than our straight counterparts are (2010). That said, the participants in this study made purposeful choices to acquiesce to, challenge, or navigate around dominant ideologies, namely medical orthodoxy and hegemonic masculinity (2010). In so doing, they demonstrated behaviours that potentially could transform how any man decides to do depression, or not…

Like, for example, choosing not to be violent toward others, instead of being violent toward others and then blaming the dreaded ‘black dog’ (2010)…

Photo of the Week: Tattoo Ideas

2012-01-21T20:24:00.001-08:00

MTV's 'True Life' To Feature Gay Bears And 'Chubby Chasers'

2012-01-19T09:22:00.000-08:00

Gay men are still stereotyped in mainstream media as gym bunnies -- and judging by the results of a recent British poll, nearly half would be willing to make significant sacrifices in pursuit of the perfect body.

Now, MTV is turning the spotlight onto a somewhat less-heralded subset of the community: gay bears and their self-proclaimed "chubby chaser" admirers.

The preview clip features 26-year-Justin, who says, "I'm not attracted to muscle, I'm attracted to mass." Though Justin fears his conservative parents dismiss his relationship with boyfriend Josh as merely a fetish, he goes on to note, "When I'm with a bear, I feel safe because of his size. I like feeling dwarfed by this individual –- a protector almost."

Four Reasons Why Make-Up Sex Isn't so Bad After All

2012-01-19T09:08:00.000-08:00

You've just had a nasty lover's spat. But now things are a lot more "friendly." Why is make-up sex so appetizing? And is it really so bad? Maybe, maybe not...

Therapists say there is plenty wrong with relationships filled with lots of fighting. Some couples will even admit that they start fights simply to indulge themselves in mind-blowing bedroom gymnastics afterward. This appears to be a popular principle in romance. And while playing the Love/Hate game can do its fair share of damage, some are overlooking the positive aspects to what most call make-up sex. But don't be mistaken. The reason why you really enjoy this particular type of coupling says a lot about how you view the relationship.

"Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde"

People who are otherwise restrained individuals have an excuse to explore some of their more primitive feelings. Releasing the energy that would normally be kept under wraps can help those who are more reserved to come out of their shells. Losing oneself in the heat of passion may be easier to do on the heels of a fiery spat. Things they may have only fantasized about doing suddenly seem much easier when they can "excuse" their behavior on an emotion that most frown upon.

Making Waves

Establishing a dynamic in an otherwise stale romantic existence takes work. You may not be keen on taking up an extreme sport together. Perhaps you've spent so many years making sure you were polite, that you've forgotten that couples need to argue. Whether it's "healthy" or not, people tend to measure the success (failure) of their relationships on the existence of little disagreements. Those who tend to have frequent spats may feel the need to spice up their relationship, and have no idea how to do this otherwise; the romantic make up "ritual" is the only way they feel they can remain emotionally connected.

Flight or Fight...

When you are angry, your heart races and your pupils dilate. These are some of the same things that happen when you are physically aroused. Thus, it's only natural to experience a hodge-podge of sensations after having a fight with someone you're attracted to. Combine the fact that anger often ignites several deep-seated emotions, and you've created a rather intense experience. But be careful with this one; passions can very easily boil over. If your union contains even whiffs of abuse, it's time to reevaluate things.

The Floodgates are Opened

While make-up sex can be quite addictive, it very seldom solves any major issues. Nonetheless, some people find that it's much easier to converse verbally after they have "talked" physically. Words issued in anger become softer explanations. Couples are more apt to negotiate tricky circumstances. Sometimes the release of pent-up stress is all that's necessary to get the wheels of communication oiled (very bad pun intended) and in motion.

Courtesy of the Yahoo Contributor Network

Why Gay Parents May Be the Best Parents

2012-01-16T20:54:00.000-08:00

Gay marriage, and especially gay parenting, has been in the cross hairs in recent days.

On Jan. 6, Republican presidential hopeful Rick Santorum told a New Hampshire audience that children are better off with a father in prison than being raised in a home with lesbian parents and no father at all. And last Monday (Jan. 9), Pope Benedict called gay marriage a threat "to the future of humanity itself," citing the need for children to have heterosexual homes.

But research on families headed by gays and lesbians doesn't back up these dire assertions. In fact, in some ways, gay parents may bring talents to the table that straight parents don't.

Gay parents "tend to be more motivated, more committed than heterosexual parents on average, because they chose to be parents," said Abbie Goldberg, a psychologist at Clark University in Massachusetts who researches gay and lesbian parenting. Gays and lesbians rarely become parents by accident, compared with an almost 50 percent accidental pregnancy rate among heterosexuals,Goldberg said. "That translates to greater commitment on average and more involvement."

And while research indicates that kids of gay parents show few differences in achievement, mental health, social functioning and other measures, these kids may have the advantage of open-mindedness, tolerance and role models for equitable relationships, according to some research. Not only that, but gays and lesbians are likely to provide homes for difficult-to-place children in the foster system, studies show. (Of course, this isn't to say that heterosexual parents can't bring these same qualities to the parenting table.)

Read more here

Photo of the Week

2012-01-15T15:08:00.000-08:00

The issues of adopting a particular physical role in a relationship

2012-01-15T15:00:00.000-08:00

For gay men, the issue of adopting a particular physical role is an important and sometimes problematic part of a relationship. All relationships work in different ways but gay men are essentially considered to be either passive, active or versatile in terms of the physical position assumed during lovemaking.

Passive means that the partner is only ever penetrated. Active means that the partner only ever penetrates. Versatile means that the partner takes up both positions. There are many slang or common terms for this. Active partners are often referred to as the 'top' whereas passive partners are generally referred to as the 'bottom'.

Crude sniggers and idle curiosity aside, this is an issue that is a fundamental aspect of physical gay relationships for a number of different reasons.

There can be pressures to be one or the other

In gay relationships, more commonly one partner adopts the passive role and one the active role. This is fine if both partners enjoy those roles but it can be problematic if one partner is dissatisfied with this. In a long-term relationship, a partner that has always been passive may decide that he wants to become more versatile, which can put pressure on the active partner to take up a position that he may not be comfortable with. This is an aspect of gay relationships that doesn't particularly exist within straight relationships for obvious physiological reasons. Some gay relationships can and will break down as partners change their preference for which position they want to take.

There are different risks

Passive partners are inherently at more physical risk than their active equivalent. Anal injuries, even relatively slight, can be reasonably common and over time, gay men that regularly assume the passive role can experience a number of medical complaints. This can mean that if only one partner ever assumes this position, the couple's sex life can suffer in the event of problems. In committed, monogamous relationships, the risk of sexually-transmitted diseases is greatly reduced but if the relationship is open or casual then the passive partner is at a higher risk of contracting disease. This can lead to some gay men to refusing to adopt this position out of fear of the risks.Expectations change over timeIt is reasonably common for gay men to be more sexually adventurous and demanding than their straight counterparts. The term 'hungry bottom' refers to a gay man who enjoys rigorous or even violent passive anal sex. This can put pressure on relationships where the other partner is expected to 'perform' in a certain way and may not be comfortable with this. Sexually aggressive men don't always partner up with other sexually aggressive men and this can cause problems in the relationship.

It can be a barrier in new relationships

Some gay men will be reluctant to look past their assumed role. That is, if they are a top, then they will insist that a new partner is a bottom before they will even go on a date or certainly before they will get seriously involved. Sexual positions can dominate gay relationships in a way that straight individuals would never even consider. On gay dating sites, for example, it is very normal to list the preferred position, filtering out those that don't match the requirement. In some ways, this exists at the expense of getting to know people. Not all gay people are so motivated by this but many are absolutely unmovable on it.

Physical roles impact on emotional and social rolesIn many gay relationships, physical roles seem to dictate emotional and social roles. A man who is sexually passive may well be more emotionally passive in other areas of the relationship as though he needs or wants to be dominated by the other partner. This may work very well, but in some cases, men who are passive sexually are not necessarily prepared to be the same in other aspects of the relationship. Again, this can cause friction and problems between partners.Sexuality is a complicated thing, regardless of an individual's gender preference. In gay relationships, there are unique issues that cannot be ignored if individuals are looking to build something meaningful together. Relationship counseling for gay men often focuses on the issue of adopting physical roles and there are no easy answers. Essentially, individuals must work out what is right for them.

Find A Gay Club, Bar.. or Guesthouse

2012-01-13T13:20:00.000-08:00

Need to find the nearest club or bar full of "your kind" of man. Here is a great directory to help. And in case you require a place to nap after a long night out, they carry a list of gay guesthouses and hotels.

Website: http://www.gayclublist.com/

Video of the Week

2012-01-13T13:19:00.001-08:00

Sex For Tuition: Gay Male College Students Using ‘Sugar Daddies' To Pay Off Loan Debt

2012-01-11T09:32:00.000-08:00

Here is an interesting article from the Huffington Post...

Three years ago, during his junior year at New York University, Kirk met with a financial aid officer to plead a familiar case: his inability to manage the yearly payments on his $50,000 tuition bill.

Once again, the school official reminded Kirk that in order to register for next semester’s courses, he needed to come up with another $8,000 -- or risk expulsion.

Kirk nearly divulged his secret to the loan officer, finally letting her know exactly what he had resorted to in a desperate attempt to finance his education. Midway through college, Kirk had begun turning tricks in order to pay for school.

“Once and for all, I just wanted her to understand what the expense of NYU was really costing some of us,” says Kirk, now 23, who graduated a little more than a year ago with a degree in theater and film. “I felt like telling her: You really have no idea what some of us do in order to stay here."

And the escort work didn’t end when Kirk left NYU. He has continued selling his wares on what he describes as “virtual street corners" -- websites where young gay men seek out the companionship of wealthy older suitors.

After personal ads on Craigslist drew little in the way of reliable income, Kirk went on the hunt for a "sugar daddy." He currently has a profile on a website called SeekingArrangement.com. Kirk’s lithe, bare physique figures prominently in most of his profile photos, while others showcase his dark, chiseled features. He describes himself as a bachelor’s degree-holding non-smoker and social drinker who’s on the hunt for a “patron/daddy/boyfriend.” While the price of Kirk’s companionship is listed as negotiable, he generally charges about $200 an hour.

Kirk is hardly alone in his decision to sell sex in order to pay for school. Late last month, The Huffington Post chronicled the uptick of debt-strapped young women similarly searching online for suitors or wealthy benefactors who, in exchange for companionship, sex, or both, might help with the bills.

But the willingness to date for money is not limited to beleaguered young women struggling to pay off debt. An increasing number of gay male students have also taken to the web in the past several years searching for wealthy benefactors. While young gay men exchanging sex for money certainly predated the financial collapse, recent events have pushed some students to consider engaging in risky behavior that in more robust economic times might have been unthinkable, according to several owners of websites that broker such hook-ups.

The rise in the number of straight and gay college students moonlighting as "sugar babies" occurs at a time when the life plans of many 20-somethings have taken a brutal detour. Earlier this summer, the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics reported that half of recent graduates are underutilized -- whether they are jobless, working part time, or working in a job that doesn’t require a college degree and therefore tends to pay less.

In addition to a lackluster job market, a historic number of recent graduates are also struggling to pay off an overwhelming amount of student loan debt. The U.S. Census Bureau recently reported that over the past 20 years, the average annual cost of college has more than doubled. Nineteen million currently enrolled college students now face an average cost of $15,876 for one year of in-state tuition at a public university or $40,633 for one year at a private institution.

The Federal Reserve Bank of New York’s quarterly report on debt recently found that delinquency rates for student loans are on the rise, with 11.2 percent of borrowers more than 90 days past due, compared with 9.5 percent of student loan borrowers during the same quarter in 2009. Further, between the first quarter of 1999 and the first quarter of 2011, student loan debt increased by a whopping 511 percent, with borrowers under the age of 30 bearing the biggest financial brunt.

While many 20-somethings embarked on their dream of a college education when a decent-paying job was virtually guaranteed as part of the package, the rules have now changed -- and a new generation is coming of age during an era of limited options.

Gautam Sharma, the 39-year-old founder of SugarDaddyForMe.com and GaySugarDaddyFinder.com, estimates that between 60 to 70 percent of his sites’ sugar babies are either currently enrolled college students or recent graduates. Of Sugar Daddy For Me’s 3 million members, Sharma says that about 2 million are sugar babies. Men seeking a gay sugar daddy account for about 80,000 of the site’s members and of these, about a quarter list some combination of “school,” “college,” “university,” “money for school,” “student debt,” “college debt,” “tuition,” and “college expenses” in their profile.

Another site, SeekingArrangement.com, which boasts over 800,000 members, has seen a sharp increase in users that it defines as “college sugar babies.” The site's 41-year-old founder, Brandon Wade, estimates that about 35 percent of its members are college students and 90,000 are gay male sugar babies. In 2007, the site said it had 5,239 gay male sugar babies who were also enrolled in college. Today, that figure stands at 35,682.

Kirk tries to abide by a few basic ground rules when getting sex for money: he refuses to perform oral sex, always wears protection, and will only have sex as a top, never a bottom. Whenever possible, he tries to avoid having sex with supposedly straight, married men looking for a “discreet” hook-up.

“I don’t want to feel objectified because of an exchange of money for sex. I want to feel equal and empowered, but I’m also really explicit that I’m just there for the money,” says Kirk, who estimates that he’s received money for having sex with more than 100 men in the last few years.

Kirk acknowledges that he’s benefited from the largesse of his various encounters. One sugar daddy paid for two years’ worth of rent on an apartment in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, while another cosigned an additional loan for school. A recent hook-up yielded a new iPhone.

For the time being, Kirk says he sees working as a part-time prostitute as a practical solution to climbing out from beneath a mountain of student debt. Kirk also works as a server at a Manhattan restaurant four nights a week and auditions for theater and film work during the day. On free nights, he regularly trawls the web, looking for a generous sugar daddy willing to take on the burden of helping him pay off his hefty loans.

But with tuition money due each month, and an endless stream of voice mails from student loan creditors, sex work is starting to feel like something Kirk can’t afford not to do. The clock is ticking and Kirk knows that he won’t be young and gorgeous forever.

“IT’S PASSION ALL NIGHT LONG”

“How many of you sugar babies are hungry, but not for food?” the emcee croons to a packed crowd of hundreds at the Hudson Terrace, a rooftop lounge on 46th Street in Manhattan’s Hell’s Kitchen. “Remember, guys: You’ve got to be generous. You’ve got to make it happen. It’s passion all night long.”

READ THE WHOLE ARTICLE

Your Take: Dating as a Gay Man

2012-01-11T09:30:00.000-08:00

Random Viewer Thought

2012-01-09T16:18:00.000-08:00

I rarely ever meet a bad smelling Asian guy...like when you hug them or something they tend to just organically smell better than other people. They must have better body chemistry or something.

Funny Sh*t: Jason Stuart

2012-01-09T16:14:00.000-08:00

What gays can teach straights about marriage, according to some people.

2012-01-06T20:09:00.000-08:00

Of all the things that Tom and Tina Average might want for their marriage, one they have quite likely never thought of is innovation. It is the kind of word they might look for in the home improvement pages of the weekend paper or on their favorite consumer website, but not in a marriage guidance brochure.

Yet California author Joe Quirk, for one, believes that “traditional American marriage is in crisis” and a new look is what it needs. What does he have in mind? For a start, “insights” from married gay and lesbian couples. Interviewed by the New York Times, Quirk argues that, “If innovation in marriage is going to occur, it will be spearheaded by homosexual marriages.”If you are you wondering what kind of brave new marriage that would be, two recent studies give us an inkling of what to expect.The recently published Gay Couples Study conducted by Colleen Hoff at the Center for Research on Gender and Sexuality, San Francisco, looked at the relationships of 566 committed gay couples (males) over a three-year period. The study showed that 47 per cent of gay couples had “sex agreements” that specifically allowed sexual activity with others. An additional 8 per cent of couples were split: one person favored sex outside the relationship and the other expected monogamy. Only 45 per cent described their relationships as monogamous.

Proponents of “marriage equality” sing their refrain over and over: “Our relationships are just the same as yours.”Not even close. While just 7 per cent of Americans believe that adultery (sexual infidelity by married, heterosexual partners) is morally acceptable, Dr Hoff’s report emphasizes that nearly 50 per cent of gays in committed relationships specifically affirm sexual infidelity. Other research shows shockingly higher rates (75-95 per cent) of non-monogamy in long-term gay relationships.(Note that we are talking about male homosexual relationships here. Research on lesbian couples is sparse but one study finds that 20 per cent of lesbians pursue open relationships.)But what of the roughly 45 per cent of gay relationships that, according to the study, do claim monogamy? Their relationships should yield insights applicable to traditional opposite-sex marriages, right?

Not likely. Any apparent similarity between gay relationships and heterosexual couples disappears once it becomes clear what “monogamy” means in the gay paradigm. A 2010 study from England entitled, "Gay Monogamy: I Love You But I Can't Have Sex With Only You", found that none of the gay couples in the study defined monogamy as sexual exclusivity. In fact, they all engaged in sex with outside partners, even though they professed to be in a monogamous relationship.How’s that, again?

The Center for Research on Gender and Sexuality, in its spring 2010 newsletter,summarized the English study, explaining that sex with outside partners is the “monogamous” norm for gay couples.“All participants perceived fidelity as emotional monogamy. Thus, forming an emotional bond with an outside partner constituted cheating.” Sexual encounters with others didn’t count as “cheating” as long as it was “compartmentaliz[ed], which they defined as the process of separating sex from emotion and was key to most participants’ ability to manage sex outside the relationship.

”Where does that leave us? Using the conservative figures from the Gay Couples Study, at least half of gay relationships don’t accept monogamy. But those that do, probably mean gay-style monogamy, which allows outside sex as long as it is “open” and any emotional attachment is to the committed partner. The gay relationship model, then, allows each partner to pursue as much sex with as many people as desired, as long as the outside relationships are “safe,” emotionally detached, and transparent.

Think of the gay narrative, expressed in news stories, TV interviews, and court documents, that movingly tell of gay couples who have been “together” for 10, 15, 20 years and want to be married, just like straight couples. The heterosexual frame of reference assumes that, for gay couples, committed and long-term relationships embrace sexual exclusivity, the norm for opposite-sex couples. And surveys that show growing popular support for same-sex marriage rely on that same public misperception.

The truth is that the gay experience, dressed in the language of heterosexual normalcy, bears little resemblance to traditional marriage relationships. For some researchers, that’s exactly the point. They believe that gay relationships herald a long-overdue deconstruction of the meaning of “marriage,” for gays and straights alike, away from the notion of sexual exclusivity and towards emotional bonding and “open” sexual coupling, or tripling, or whatever.

"It's a redefinition of marriage” says Blake Spears, a researcher and partner in one such relationship, to mean “emotional commitment, the closeness.” As one gay man, Daemon from Phoenix, explains, “I am in an open relationship right now and it works fine… I personally do not associate sex with marriage; to me they are completely different acts. I would also love to get married from a legal perspective, regardless of who I have sex with.”Will the gay norm of sexual “freedom” herald a more relaxed approach to heterosexual marriage, deemphasizing fidelity but encouraging couples to stay together longer? For Dr Hoff, the Gay Couples Study does just that, suggestingthat open but non-monogamous relationships build trust and keep couples together, even when sexual interests wander.

Unfortunately, it is not hard to find relationship experts who agree with Dr. Hoff, inviting heterosexual couples to experience the pleasures of non-monogamy. A Psychology Today piece, for example, counsels that, “gay couples can teach other couples about sexual monogamy,” which means to “engage in sexual encounters based on sexual attraction only and not emotions or affection. It is about sex and nothing more…any sexual inclusion is simply behavioral in nature, not relational.” Untangling the doublespeak, gay-style “monogamy” allows unrestricted sex outside the relationship, as long as it’s meaningless sex.So what is the impact of this push to sell “open” marriage to straight couples -- destroying fidelity and gutting sex of any deeper meaning -- on the basis that it works for gays? I don’t expect we will see a throng of married couples rush out and change their day to-day sexual habits to emulate their gay friends. Unlike Daemon from Phoenix, most heterosexual couples expect marriage to include sexual commitment. They intuitively know that permitting extra-marital sex won’t build trust, but destroy it.But marriage is in trouble, nonetheless. It is worrisome when ordinary married folks begin to hum the non-monogamy theme song, just like the secular psychologists, and clap along to the cultural beat of tolerance.Consider this: CafeMom, one of the largest online communities for moms (reaching nearly 7 million moms a month), recently hosted a controversial discussion asking, “Is Polygamy Really Damaging to Society?” The conversation offered a snapshot (focus-group style) of the views of average American moms. Some women responded with good, ol' common sense, arguing that society should not sanction polygamy or other non-monogamous relationships because they are “terrible for children” and would “rip families apart” because “jealousy is human nature”.

A surprising number, however, took the “personally opposed” point of view: they prefer sexual fidelity in their own marriages, but believe marriage laws and social mores should broaden to allow “consenting adults” the freedom to define their own sexual parameters within marriage. One mom pointed out, “I don’t think [polygamy] hurts society any more than homosexuals do,” because it’s private and “has no effect on anyone but those in that family.”The social consensus that marriage is a life-long, sexually faithful union between a man and a woman is fast unraveling. Advocates for same-sex marriage have smoothly and successfully appropriated the language of traditional marriage in order to win the public’s sympathy and support. The confused public facilitates its own deception, however, by its unwillingness to embrace a sexual ethic---for gays and straights alike—that is grounded in the authentic dignity of human beings.

And the longer we avoid the “icky” discussions about just what gays do, with whom, and with how many, the more likely we are to see “marriage” in our lifetime that bears no resemblance to the real thing.

One CafeMom mother of two concluded that, “a large number of Americans could care less who you marry and how many you marry.”The big question is: Is she right?

Mary Rice Hasson is a writer and attorney from the Washington, D.C. area. She blogs at wordsfromcana.wordpress.com

Gay Travel Statistics

2012-01-06T20:03:00.000-08:00

The comprehensive and respected 14th Annual Gay and Lesbian Tourism Study in 2009 was compiled by Community Marketing, Inc. In the year 2010 alone, CMI collected and analyzed over 100,000 gay and lesbian survey responses.This comprehensive and respected report, which offers valuable insights into the spending power of gay men and lesbians is frequently quoted in the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Los Angeles Times, Chicago Tribune, USA Today and other leading media.

The stats below reflect the findings of the CMI in 2009 and 2010:“Gay men and lesbians travel more, own more homes and cars, spend more on electronics, and have the largest amount of disposable income of any niche market.”“Lesbians and gay men are a dream market for the tourism industry.”

• Based on tourism industry data, the annual economic impact of LGBT travellers is approximately $63 billion in the US alone.Gay People have higher disposable Incomes:

• For gay men and women, the average household income is $81,500 per year, almost 80% above the average U.S. household income of $46,326.

• 40% of gay men reported household incomes in excess of $100,000 per year. 36% of lesbians reported household incomes in excess of $100,000 per year.

• Gay men and lesbians with household incomes of $250,000+ travel more, spend more and cruise more than other gays and lesbians and indicate they prefer places that are restful, luxury oriented, and either mostly LGBT or exclusively gay.

• Over 55% of gay men and 65% of lesbians are partnered or live with a significant other.Higher Incomes = More Travel:

• 83% of U.S. lesbian and gay men have a current passport, compared to 34% of all adult US citizens.• 85% of lesbians and gay men are more likely to purchase products and services from companies that advertise in the LGBT Media.

• 81% of gay travellers purchased an airline ticket online.• 77% of gay travellers purchase their accommodations online.• Gay men and lesbians travel more widely than their mainstream counterparts both domestically and internationally and those with higher incomes travel even more frequently, especially for leisure purposes.

• Last year’s top US destinations are: New York, Las Vegas, San Francisco, Chicago and Los Angeles/West Hollywood. Other top US destinations include: Washington DC, Fort Lauderdale, San Diego, Orlando, Seattle, Boston, Philadelphia, Palm Springs, Atlanta, Miami, Dallas, Denver, Phoenix/Tempe/Scottsdale and New Orleans.

• Top Canadian destinations for gay US travellers are Toronto, Montreal and Vancouver.• Top European destinations for gay US travellers are England, France, Germany, Italy and Spain, especially for the higher income gays and lesbians. The United Kingdom and France are of even more interest to those with household incomes of $250,000+

• London is now widely recognized as “the gay capital of the world.” due to its aggressive marketing to the LGBT community abroad, and its support of LGBT issues.2009 Travel Trends It is interesting to note that whilst the survey was taken in an economic downturn the largest percentages of respondents reported that compared to the previous year, their overall travel in the past year had remained the same (39%), as had their leisure travel (42%).More than half of respondents (59%) indicated that their business travel decisions were influenced by their preferences and loyalties as an LGBT consumer.What motivates gay and lesbian booking patterns?Gays and lesbians are primarily booking their travel directly via airline and hotel websites (56%) or through online travel agencies such as Travelocity or Orbitz (34%). Direct booking is significantly more important than web-based travel services and so travel suppliers having an LGBT “microsite” with dedicated content is a positive motivator for LGBT consumers.What are the top motivations for gay travellers?

• The top motivations for choosing a hotel are: its reputation for gay-friendliness and the availability of online information when planning a trip. In considering which hotel they would select when making a hotel reservation for leisure travel, over half (52%) of respondents said they would consider the price of the hotel very motivating. About one-third of participants also thought they would be relatively highly motivated by the hotel’s location near tourist attractions (36%) or a review on the Internet (35%), and by the reputation of the hotel as LGBT friendly (30%).

• The top motivations for choosing a destination are: recommendation from friends (72%), unique attractions, and destinations known for their gay-friendliness.

Study: Gay Men Attracted to Masculine Features

2012-01-04T15:40:00.000-08:00

Gay men have the strongest sexual attraction to the most masculinized male faces, according to a study recently published online in the journal “Archives of Sexual Behavior.”

Led by Aaron N. Glassenberg, a doctoral student in organizational behavior at the Graduate School of Arts and Sciences and Harvard Business School, the study found that facial attraction depends on a person’s gender rather than his or her sexual orientation.

According to the results, gay men prefer the most masculine faces and straight men prefer the most feminine faces.

In contrast, straight women are not necessarily attracted to the most masculinized male faces and lesbians are not always drawn to the most feminized faces, Glassenberg said.

Other research has shown that female preferences are influenced by a mixture of factors including ovulation, contraceptive use, self-esteem, and sex drive, he added.

The fact that homosexual males are attracted to markedly masculine men could mislead people to suspect that their sexuality is most similar to that of heterosexual women, but based on what is currently known about the preferences of straight women, Glassenberg’s study actually disproves this assumption, according to Carole K. Hooven, a Harvard Human and Evolutionary Biology and Anthropology lecturer.

The study, which was conducted online, asked 900 female and male participants to identify which faces they thought were most attractive from a pool of facial images digitally manipulated to be more masculine or feminine.

Features of the most masculine faces included a broader jaw, broader forehead, and more pronounced brow ridge, while the most feminine faces had a more tapered chin, larger lips, and a narrower forehead.

Glassenberg’s study, he said, marks the first time facial preferences for gay men and lesbian women have been examined.

“There’s a lot of research on heterosexual attraction in the literature, so it was important to fill in what was missing in order to understand attraction better overall,” Glassenberg said.

Courtesy of The Harvard Crimson

For Gay Men, an Attraction to a Different Kind of Scent

2012-01-04T15:35:00.000-08:00

Using a brain imaging technique, Swedish researchers have shown that homosexual and heterosexual men respond differently to two odors that may be involved in sexual arousal, and that the gay men respond in the same way as women.

The new research may open the way to studying human pheromones, as well as the biological basis of sexual preference. Pheromones, chemicals emitted by one individual to evoke some behavior in another of the same species, are known to govern sexual activity in animals, but experts differ as to what role, if any, they play in making humans sexually attractive to one another.

The new research, which supports the existence of human pheromones, is reported in today's issue of The Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences by Dr. Ivanka Savic and colleagues at the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm.

The two chemicals in the study were a testosterone derivative produced in men's sweat and an estrogen-like compound in women's urine, both of which have long been suspected of being pheromones.

Most odors cause specific smell-related regions of the human brain to light up when visualized by a form of brain imaging that tracks blood flow in the brain and therefore, by inference, sites where neurons are active. Several years ago, Dr. Savic and colleagues showed that the two chemicals activated the brain in a quite different way from ordinary scents.

The estrogen-like compound, though it activated the usual smell-related regions in women, lighted up the hypothalamus in men. This is a region in the central base of the brain that governs sexual behavior and, through its control of the pituitary gland lying just beneath it, the hormonal state of the body.

The male sweat chemical, on the other hand, did just the opposite; it activated mostly the hypothalamus in women and the smell-related regions in men. The two chemicals seemed to be leading a double life, playing the role of odor with one sex and of pheromone with another.

The Swedish researchers have now repeated the experiment but with the addition of gay men as a third group. The gay men responded to the two chemicals in the same way as did women, Dr. Savic reports, as if the hypothalamus's response is determined not by biological sex but by the owner's sexual orientation.

Dr. Savic said that she had also studied gay women, but that the data were "somewhat complicated" and not yet ready for publication.

The finding is similar to a report in 1991 by Dr. Simon LeVay that a small region of the hypothalamus is twice as large in straight men as in women or gay men. The brain scanning technique used by the Swedish researchers lacks the resolution to see the region studied by Dr. LeVay, which is a mere millimeter or so across. But both findings suggest that the hypothalamus is organized in a way related to sexual orientation.

The new finding, if confirmed, would break ground in two important directions, those of human pheromones and human sexuality.

Mice are known to influence each other's sexual behavior through emission of chemicals that act like hormones on the recipient's brain and so are known as pheromones. Hopes by the fragrance industry, among others, of finding human pheromones were dashed several years ago when it emerged that a tiny structure in the nose through which mice detect many pheromones, the vomeronasal organ, is largely inactive in humans, having lost its nervous connection with the brain.

Researchers interpreted that to mean that humans, as they evolved to rely on sight more than smell, had no need of the primitive cues that pass for sexual attractiveness in mice. But a role for human pheromones could not be ruled out, especially in light of findings that women living or working together tend to synchronize their menstrual cycles.

Some researchers see Dr. Savic's work as strong evidence in favor of human pheromones. "The question of whether human pheromones exist has been answered. They do," wrote the authors of a commentary in Neuron about Dr. Savic's report of 2001.

Dr. Catherine Dulac, a Harvard University biologist who studies pheromones in mice, said that if a chemical modified the function of the hypothalamus, that might be enough to regard it as a pheromone. She said the Swedish study was extremely interesting, even though "humans are a terrible experimental subject." She noted, however, that the researchers used a far higher dose of the armpit chemical than anyone would be exposed to in normal life.

If human pheromones do exist, Dr. Savic's approach may allow insights into how the brain is organized not just for sexual orientation but also for sexuality in general.

"The big question is not where homosexuality comes from, but where does sexuality come from," said Dr. Dean Hamer, a geneticist at the National Institutes of Health.

The different pattern of activity that Dr. Savic sees in the brains of gay men could be either a cause of their sexual orientation or an effect of it. If sexual orientation has a genetic cause, or is influenced by hormones in the womb or at puberty, then the neurons in the hypothalamus could wire themselves up in a way that permanently shapes which sex a person is attracted to.

Alternatively, Dr. Savic's finding could be just a consequence of straight and gay men's using their brain in different ways.

"We cannot tell if the different pattern is cause or effect," Dr. Savic said. "The study does not give any answer to these crucial questions."

But the technique might provide an answer, Dr. Hamer noted, if it were applied to people of different ages to see when in life the different pattern of response developed.

Dr. LeVay said he believed from animal experiments that the size differences in the hypothalamic region he had studied arose before birth, perhaps in response to differences in the circulating level of sex hormones. Both his finding and Dr. Savic's suggest that the hypothalamus is specifically organized in relation to sexual orientation, he said.

Some researchers believe there is likely to be a genetic component of homosexuality because of its concordance among twins. The occurrence of male homosexuality in both members of a twin pair is 22 percent in nonidentical twins but rises to 52 percent in identical twins.

Gay men have fewer children, meaning that in Darwinian terms, any genetic variant that promotes homosexuality should be quickly eliminated from the population. Dr. Hamer believes that such genes may nevertheless persist because, although in men they reduce the number of descendants, in women they act to increase fertility.

Courtesy of New York Times

Dating book for gay men lays out rules of attraction

2012-01-02T15:35:00.000-08:00

For gay men, dating can be confounding, fun, time-consuming, exciting, nerve-wracking, serious — and sometimes even successful.

In his book “The Mandates: 25 Real Rules for Successful Gay Dating,” pop culture commentator Dave Singleton highlights both the funny and serious sides of gay dating.“I wanted to write something funny because dating is funny,” says Singleton, a self-described reformed serial monogamist. “But I also wanted to include the serious with some of the very poignant stories I heard.

Using first-person accounts from interviews with 175 men around the country, the author put together a set of guidelines to help readers negotiate the man-to-man minefield.
“I wanted to know what other guys were doing,” he says. “I saw that we are spending a lot more time on this than we like to admit.”

Obstacles to successful dating include a lack of gay dating role models, the focus on youth and beauty among men, the male ego and a lack of matchmaking between gay men.
Singleton uses clear, concise and sometimes cutting language to guide guys through dating. That includes what he calls the social A.D.D. of urban gay men in which heads continuously turn from the abundance of potential dates and “the next best thing” around the corner.

The advice in “Mandates” is accessible to guys at all stages of dating. Some of the rules are elementary and obvious: Mandate #1: Following Rules of Body Language; Mandate #14: Hit on Someone Your Own Size; and Mandate #22: Be True to Your Own Standards.

But others may prove useful even to experienced players: Mandate #11: No One Ever Learned to Love Anyone, Ever … Move On; and Mandate #15: Meeting His Friends: The Ultimate Corporate Merger.

Other useful tips include how to gauge a CD collection or medicine chest and how to type a potential date in the first five minutes of conversation.

“What Catholic priests have known for years, only on the rarest occasion does any confession last longer than five minutes,” Singleton writes.

There are also tidbits on what not to say in the first six months; how to weigh “heinous” versus “forgivable” dating sins; and how to broach the subject of monogamy.

Some guys might find Mandate #18 useful: Having an extra toothbrush, spare contact lens case and two articles of his clothing at your home are good indicators that you have graduated to boyfriend status.

The author lays out pickup lines that should be avoided at all costs and offers advice on cyber dating that includes how to build the perfect online profile.

Singleton also types modern gay men — like Boy Next Door and Billy the Gay Clone Doll — and writes a good deal about a new anomaly in the gay dating world, what he dubs the Otherwise Straight Guy. For guys who have trouble separating tricks from potential relationships, Singleton also explains the difference between Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now.

“Mandates” also tackles prickly topics such as sex on the first date (Singleton’s advice: “Don’t. Unless you’re in a foreign country and one of you is leaving the next day), what constitutes a real date versus “sex dates,” and drug and alcohol use by a potential partner.

The author acknowledges that gay dating is different from straight dating (“Don’t Try to be Ozzie and Harriet — Even Ozzie and Harriet Weren’t Ozzie and Harriet”).

Singleton wraps up his pointers with a handy self-test for gauging mastery of “The Mandates,” as well as “16 Great Things About Not Dating Someone of the Opposite Sex” and a primer on the “Do’s and Don’ts” of gay dating.

Intermingling true stories and sound advice, the author pulls together a fun and forthright guidebook for any man diving into the deep end of the gay dating pool.

To view more info and purchase: click here

Post-New Year's Eve Dilemma

2012-01-02T11:51:00.000-08:00

We thought this was "cute". I don't think we were ever introduced to Shrek's younger, more irreverent and extroverted, brother. Or shall we say in this case... INTROverted.

Let's all have a great 2012. We have already broken one New Year's resolution: posting irrelevant photos. That being said...

Happy New Year from Gayquation!

2011-12-31T17:54:00.000-08:00

Gayquation.com wishes you all the best for 2012. For the new year, strengthen your bond with your partner or get back on that horse and meet some new men. It's never too late to find love.

Recipe to Get Laid

2011-12-29T19:08:00.000-08:00

MMM mmm mmmmm....
Who can turn down Halibut and a Huge Penis.
Treat your lover to a super sexy meal. If you don't get laid after this...

Try.. Try again.

Huge Penis For Gay Men

Drink Type: Shooter

Ingredients:

1/2 oz. Jim Beam Bourbon Whiskey
1/2 oz. Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum
1/2 oz. Jose Cuervo
1/2 oz. Jack Daniel's Whiskey
1 pinch(es) Salt

Instructions:

Lick the shot glass up and down, fill the shot, suck it all out and swallow every salty drop of it.

Grilled Halibut with Watermellon and Arugula Salad

This salad is fabulous and light for summer. I just had it the other night out on David's back patio. I wanted to lick the bottom of the salad bowl when finished! I know the thought of cheese and watermelon sounds strange but the salty feta goes great with the melon and the buttery halibut just tops it all off! Halibut is a bit pricey but well worth the money! Its a very mild fish and almost has the same flavor as sea bass.

Ingredients:

4 cups watermelon, cubed
3 cups arugula
1/2 cup sweet onion, such as Vidalia, Walla Wall, or Texas Sweet
3/4 cup goat cheese, cubed
2 limes zested and juiced
1 tablespoon rice vinegar
1 teaspoon sugar
2 tablespoons basil chiffonade
1/2 cup olive oil
4 6-ounce halibut filets
Salt and pepper

Method:

For the Watermelon Salad:
In a large bowl, combine the watermelon, arugula, sweet onion and goat cheese. Set aside until ready to use.

For the Dressing:
Whisk together the lime zest, lime juice, rice vinegar, sugar and basil. Whisk until sugar is dissolved. Drizzle in olive oil. Set aside until ready to use.

For the Halibut:
Season the halibut filets with salt and pepper. Heat olive oil in a large, nonstick sauté pan over medium high heat. When the pan is hot add the halibut filets and cook for 2 to 3 minutes on each side or until the fish is just cooked through.

To serve, toss the watermelon salad with some of the dressing and divide among four plates. Place the filets alongside the salad and pour remaining dressing over each piece of fish. Serve immediately.

Yield: 4 servings

Article courtesy of Two Gay Guys cook
http://gayguyscook.blogspot.com/view/classic

M4M Romance a myth? Nope, it’s a fact: Gay Chemistry CAN be created

2011-12-28T13:25:00.001-08:00

M4M Romance a myth?

Nope, it’s a fact: Gay Chemistry CAN be created… Its all about Impressions.

These 11 tips and common sense reminders will help create a memorable experience that will have him begging to come back for more. Matter of fact, it just may make him want to put his face down in your lap.

Engaging the five senses and making the ambiance pull you and your lover into the spell of the moment and each other. Lowering your inhibitions is the key. It comes from you wanting to please and be pleased. By flirting and being playful. To do this, simply follow a few steadfast rules.

1) Smell good, put cologne on the balls, have your stomach area smelling right

2) Smell sexy in the place your playing (ie. your room) light some incense, spray some room freshener, candles or engage his stomach and nose with the rich aroma of food

3) Music playing should be soft and sexual maybe something with no words or something to set the mood

4) Dim the lights or lite candles or add visuals like a vase of exotic flowers as a centerpiece (this can also give out a fragrant smell)

5) At some point, close the distance between you (Touch is your secret weapon in seduction)

6) Get a good drink. Know what he likes or you can go with vodka, it mixes with anything

7) Feed him something sweet and healthy, like a strawberry, something that he can’t turn down. Make sure it has a pleasant after taste. The advantage is, it leaves a good flavor in his mouth that you will be able to taste later when you kiss.

8) Occasionally do a breath check. Have your breath smelling fresh, no yuck mouths allowed.

9) Make frequent eye contact and smile and laugh. He likes it that you are looking at him and you enjoy being looked at.

10) Be exhibitionist for each other. Get in the moment and willing to let go of your judgments and naivety.

11) Personal electronics and distractions should be TURNED OFF to give him all of your attention. He is your playmate and deserves your personal level of attention. Get in the game… of chemistry, that is.

Have fun creating and planning the experience, let your imagination go wild and cater to his and your needs. Even if it doesn’t go exactly as you plan, just embrace it and him, go with the flow and enjoy the bond you have just made.

New Year's Resolution: How About M4M Love?

2011-12-27T14:59:00.000-08:00

Gayquation is a unique dating service that strictly caters to the gay community. We are quite proud to be exclusive to gay men. Gayquation was founded on a single premise: A global revolution was changing the M4M world and the way that society “defines” the word gay. We will lead efforts to change the meaning to a fuller understanding of men embracing men and acceptance there-of in this ever changing world. Click on image below.

Gayquation has been in business for 5 years. Prior to that, the owner and founder was a personal matchmaker and coach to many professional men in the corporate world. Many of whom were too busy to find a date. He slowly opened up his business to the entire gay community. It is now available to everyone. Opening doors and connecting gay men, queer, bisexual, transgender and transsexuals. Keep your mind open. Our team speaks to hundreds of interesting and charming men daily and our business is your success and enjoyment.

Many people refer to the owner as " The “M4M” Relationship Doctor" because of his extensive experience and expertise in giving relationship advice. Through his research as a dedicated dating and relationship coach he found that conventional methods of matchmaking, do not work for gay men. Certain things had to be changed to accommodate the fact that not all gay men are made equal. Still, he helped his private clients identify what they really wanted from dating, companionship and their relationships. His secret passion in numbers and statistics led him to develop a unique, proprietary systematic method of interacting effectively, relating to and understanding same sex relationships and helping hundreds of men find each other.

We like to describe Gayquation as a vibrant, eye-popping journey of an intersection of fun, men and exploration. A smart risk and an investment in yourself and your love and social life. You can meet a lot of men, if you have the time… An appropriate mix is offered to you from all walks of life and creativity, the men we meet range in careers from professors to construction, architecture to electronics, artists to touch therapy, sales to doctors, senior-level to lower level positions to fashion and television and many more... We introduce you to guys that are open to the dating and experimentation process and encourage friendship this improves the chances of a relationship oriented experience. It sends a powerful signal that two men can work with time, passion and familiarity.

As part of your team, we have a vested interest in your personal love life. Whether you are seeking a friend or a long term companion, we open many doors of possibilities. Experience for yourself the benefit Gayquation will have on your life experience.

Visit: www.gayquation.com

Reader Opinion: Gay Relationships Doomed?

2011-12-26T13:31:00.000-08:00

Those who have it keep talking about how easy it is to find but in practice, this is not really the case. All I've seen is people who have either been single all along, were in a relationship but are now taking a break, are in an open relationship, are in a relationship but are cheating on each other, just got into a relationship and are madly obsessed with each other or are in a relationship but spend very little time with each other (classic straight married couple where both busy themselves with their careers and/or children).

I don't want to come off as sounding extreme. I have seen people who are in healthy relationships and do spend a lot of time with each other as well as apart but that's one in a million. In some ways, I might've summarized any relationship regardless of gender or sexual orientation in my cases above but I just see it much more often in the gay community.

As if all these observations weren't bad enough, now there's a book validating this fact. There was article in today's Metro with the title "Perennial Singledom Affects Gay Life." In the article, the following facts have been listed:

- 40-60% of gay men are single. This is one-third to two times higher than for lesbians and heterosexuals, and many gay men will spend most of their lives unattached.

- The happiest gay singles are singles by choice.

- 20% of gay men say their current best friend is an ex-lover.

- According to one gay therapist, "Shame about being single has been a common theme in my support group. We've internalized the notion that it's somehow better to be in a relationship so there must be something essentially wrong with us if we've arrived at midlife and we're still single."

The author's recommendation is to come to terms with the fact that you will be single for the rest of your life: "If I'm going to be single for the rest of my life, what am I going to do to be happy? Once you start breaking it down into things like companionship, then start asking yourself how you can have that in your life now. Don't assume that having a boyfriend is the only way to get that."

I have two things to say to this. Firstly, most gay people are not in relationships because they're too damn picky and they think with their penes instead of their brains. Whereas with the heteros, marriage is generally about compatability, with the homos, it has everything to do with how a person looks and nothing to do with how they are. A lot of the people who complain they never find boyfriends will also dismiss people based on ONE photograph or the wrong skin tone or an imperfect feature. And I just love the justifications: sorry, not my type (based on one photo) or sorry, not into asians or his nose is too big. And I just love it when people have a list of all they're not looking for in their profiles. I get a feeling that I'm going to have to submit an application just to talk to them and they've listed out the criteria I must possess to qualify. Give me a break! If you do that, please don't whine about not finding a boyfriend!

Secondly, I'm a little confused about the intentions of the author. He's essentially saying accept that you will be single forever and look for whatever you're looking for in a relationship elsewhere. Well, most gay men are doing exactly that. They go to bars/clubs/bathhouses for sex and they get emotional support from their friends. A relationship combines the two things and for many gay men, there's a disconnect between the two and sex becomes purely a bodily, and not an intimate and spiritual experience. And I think that's where the problem of the community lies. But by saying "accept you will be single forever," he's just promoting the bathhouse culture. Not that there's anything wrong with that if that's what you want but not everyone wants that.

I'm not saying I have all the answers but based on what I've seen, successful relationships require a lot of work and compromise. If you live your life only for yourself, then you will obviously not be able to do that. And while gay men are a little more in touch with their emotions than straight men, they are, in the end, men who think with their penes first and then their hearts last which is why, statistically, lesbian relationships are the most stable, then heterosexual and then gay male relationships.

An Early Stocking Stuffer

2011-12-21T17:25:00.000-08:00

Here is a couple of festive photos to start the holiday weekend...

Top 10 Christmas Gifts For Men

2011-12-21T17:07:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year once again, when men all across America are biting their nails wondering what they're going to get for Christmas from their wives or girlfriends. A tie? New socks? Pots and pans? A jar filled with air? God only knows.

This year, make sure your partner gives you a gift that you can actually use, and let her know that just because you're a man, doesn't mean that you're going to jump up and down at the sight of a new cordless drill.

There is no such thing as the "perfect" gift. Every man is different, with unique tastes and preferences. A carpenter might prefer a new set of tools, a working professional might appreciate a new stylish wallet, while an outdoorsman might rejoice at a three-day getaway. The important thing is that your woman's gift demonstrates that He actually put some thought into it -- according to your hobbies and interests (minus the porn).

Here are some gift ideas He should be considering. Now if only you can find a way to discreetly slip her this list:

10. High-quality leather goods
For Whom? A woman is usually not too sure how much to spend on a man He just met. This is an ideal gift to receive if you've just started dating.

Every man hates a wallet that won't stay closed or that's too bulky in a back pocket. The ideal wallet is of high-quality leather that ages beautifully. The wallets and other leather goods here will never ever go out of style.

9. Bathrobe
For Whom? The bathrobe is a great gift idea for those of you who love to walk around the house and relax on a Sunday morning in total luxury. Don't you want to be draped in total luxury just before He disrobes you to give you that well-deserved massage? He can get it here.

8. DVD Collection
For Whom? For guys who enjoy watching movies that teach good famiglia values, from the comfort of their own home. Entire seasons of Game of Thrones, The Wire, The Sopranos or Entourage would all make a guy like this happy. He can find it all here.

7. Cologne
For Whom? Smelling good is a good idea no matter what stage of the relationship you're in. Cologne is just as appreciated on the first Christmas together as it is on the fiftieth. The gift of a great scent is a good sign that He wants to turn you into an irresistible man and rip off your clothes because He can't resist inhaling your sexual scent. That, or you just smell bad. He can get it here. Leave the choosing up to her; girls are good at that stuff.

6. Espresso Machine
For Whom? We wouldn't expect this from new girlfriends -- typically this kind of outlay will be made if the two of you are living together, so at least He'll be able to enjoy the fruits of the gift too. But for those of you who think this isn't worth it, you're wrong. Freshly made espresso at home is one of life's true pleasures, one we'll never do without again now that we have machines of our own.

5. A phone upgrade
For whom? This is for any guy who's had his phone just a little too long. Maybe you've stopped caring about the constant parade of new versions of your phone, but trust us -- shiny new gadgets never disappoint. All He needs to do is go down to your wireless provider and pick up the latest hardware to go along with your plan. He can even have all your contacts imported for you.

4. A classic blazer
For whom? This is for a couple who have been together for a while but don't necessarily live together. You can wear a blazer with anything, but do you have one that's sufficiently versatile? A classic, timeless piece you'll have for the rest of your life? Probably not. He can find a perfect specimen here.

3. A great iPod dock
For whom? This is for more serious couples who have taken at least a couple of trips together. Playing music off your computer is fine at home, but what happens when all your friends rent a cabin in the woods for a long weekend and you want to bring some tunes along? A small but powerful set of iPod speakers are essential for a man who loves music but also loves to travel. He can start her search here.

2. A fine single malt
For whom? Only a true lover of whisky will appreciate this, but if that's what you are, this is a dream gift. If He really knows how to make you happy, He'll buy you a high-quality rocks glass to sip this out of. Bruichladdich is an affordable single malt that features all the flavor elements that make this spirit exceptional.

1. Sports / Concert Tickets
For whom? For any man who's single, divorced, dating, young or old, enjoys sports, and loves to watch his favorite team live. Or, if you're not the sporting type, maybe He can excite you with concert tickets to your favorite rock band.

Reposted: http://www.askmen.com/

Legalization of same-sex marriage may make gay men healthier

2011-12-18T13:26:00.000-08:00

Same-sex marriage may make for healthier gay men, a new study finds.

A report published in the American Journal of Public Health shows that in states where gay marriage is legal, homosexual men visit doctors less and their health costs go down considerably.

"Our results suggest that removing these barriers improves the health of gay and bisexual men," Mark Hatzenbuehler, a Robert Wood Johnson Foundation Health & Society Scholar at Columbia University's Mailman School of Public Health, said in a news release.

"These findings suggest that marriage equality may produce broad public health benefits by reducing the occurrence of stress-related health conditions," he said.

The study spanned a 12-month period starting in 2003 when Massachusetts became the first state to legalize the practice. It included more than 1,200 patients at a health clinic there that provides services for gay men, as well as other sexual minorities.

Health care visits dropped 13% during that period, when compared to the year before, the study stated. This led to a 14% drop in health care costs.

The study found that the health benefits were not limited to gay men with partners, but also single men.

Lesbians were not included in the study because too few visited the clinic.

A previous study showed that stress caused by the banning of same-sex marriage has a negative impact on the health of homosexuals, the news released stated.

Six states have made same-sex marriage legal, including New York, Connecticut, New Hampshire and Vermont. Washington, D.C. also allows for gay marriage.

msheridan@nydailynews.com; or follow him at Twitter.com/NYDNSheridan

Why do some Men wear Earrings?

2011-12-16T15:20:00.000-08:00

If asked why Men wear earrings probably the most common answers would be trend and tradition. Despite of the fact that in many places of work or at job interviews wearing earrings may work against men, it does not stop them from wearing them. Many Celebrities wear ear rings and fans like to follow them. Tyson Beckford who bought expensive diamond studs for his girlfriend wore it himself instead of returning to the jeweler when he found that she had been unfaithful. Some popular types of earrings worn by men are studs and hoops made with metals like gold, platinum, copper, steel and silver. Indian Men have worn earrings through the ages. There are several references in the Bible also concerning earrings. Many Kings in India are known to wear them. It may also be noted that Hindu gods are depicted with their danglers. It's part of Indian culture.

It is believed that men have worn earrings for as long as civilization has existed. Jade earrings of men dating back to 3000 BC have been found in Southeast Asia. In ancient times, men wore earrings in places like Assyria and Babylonia to denote their rank in society. Aztec warriors wore them as a mark of honor. It may be noted that even the primitive man pierced himself to wear earrings which were not only mere adornments that spoke of power but priced possessions as well. It is also believed that even slaves have worn earrings or bracelet as a symbol of slavery.

There are several reasons why men wear ear rings. Given are top 10 such reasons.

1) Many men wear rings as a fashion trend. Many young men wear ear studs or hoops as a Style statement because they want to or find it attractive or stylish or as a mean to enhance their looks.
2) Many other wear it as a custom or tradition followed in their religion. The practice of piercing ears is one of the Hindu practices performed in the third or fifth year for some Hindu children. This ceremony is celebrated by inviting people and feasting.
3) Some wear diamond studs or golden earrings are a way to display their wealth or as a safe investment they can bank on during hard times.
4) There are many actors who pierce their ears so that they could fit into the character they are playing.
5) Some guys pierce their ears because they think that girls find guys wearing earrings sexy.
6) Many times the man would have got the ear stud as a gift from a girl friend, wife or a friend and would have pierced the ears so that he could wear it.
7) Wearing earrings in one ear (on the right lobe) is considered as a mark of homosexuality. But this is just a misconception. There are also criminals using this misconception to misguide people. Some parents also think that wearing an earring means that person is becoming a hippie.
8) Many wear earrings because of the Therapeutic Significance. It is believed that the point of vision in acupuncture is situated in the center of the lobe. Hence the practice of wearing earrings is thought to have some therapeutic value.
9) It is believed that long ear lobes like Buddha are a sign of spiritual development and superior status. Young yogis even now follow the practice of stretching the piercing to stimulate the psychic nerves connected to the ears.
10) Finally, Many men also wear earrings to rebel or stand out in the crowd. People like to do things which they are instructed not to do. Many also tend to think that wearing it would separate themselves from the masses - to be an individualist.(Thanks John for the point)

By Anamika S

10 Stylish Gifts For Men

2011-12-11T09:54:00.001-08:00

1. Yves Saint Laurent Calf leather belt $356

2. Gucci Leather document satchel $1,421
3. Alexander McQueen Skull Velvet Loafer $416
4. Paul Smith Stripe scarf $89
5. Gucci Deer leather Wallet $350
6. Paul smith Cameo skull cufflinks $115
7. Michael Kors Rose Gold Plated Watch $361.78
8. Ted Samy Embroidered Tassel Slippers $75
9. Emporio Armani Watch $295
10. Paul Smith Jeans California Leather Belt $125.44
11. ASOS Smart Retro Satchel $45.45
12. WeSC Banjo Headphones $109.08
13. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 $59.99
14. Ted Baker Quilted Gloves $89.08
15. Men's Diesel Fuel for Life by Diesel Eau de Toilette $49.99
16. Edifier Breathe Speaker System with iPod®/iPhone®-Compatible Dock $349.95

- reposted from M. Keln: http://milakeln.blogspot.com/2011/11/cool-holiday-gifts-for-him.html

Advice For Younger Men: On Meeting Older Men

2011-12-04T17:54:00.000-08:00

When I was on the market I generally limited myself to dating websites. They worked out for me pretty well, but I can understand that others may shy away from that method for meeting men. Since meeting someone, I’ve become a lot more socially active, and in doing so have come to realize there are other approaches to meeting men. The following are six strategies for younger men seeking an older partner. They might not all seem right for you, but hopefully the will provide you a broader set of strategies for meeting the right guy.

1. Find a gay online dating site that meets your needs. It is probably less imperative for younger guys than older guys, but you might consider dating sites geared toward intergenerational relationships, such as www.gayquation.com. Sites such as Silverdaddies and SeeksOlder offer great search tools for finding compatible matches. While these sites still provide opportunities for casual dating they also present a sizable pool interested in serious relationships. I met my partner online and several men that I still consider my friends.

2. Join an organized social group tailored to an GLBT audience. Many communities have gay groups geared toward a variety of interests. If you’re just coming out you may consider joining a coming out support group. They offer a great opportunity to build a network of people going through a similar experience and the opportunity to meet interesting individuals. Or, you may want to choose a group that relates to your hobbies or interests. Organizations such as gay book clubs, political organizations, and outdoor/environmentalist groups are common and likely to attract an older crowd. If there is a pass-time you like, there are probably other gay people already organized and doing it together (the pass-time that is). If you meet someone at one of these groups you already know there’s at least one thing you have in common.

3. Go to art events. While the audience for art events aren’t necessarily all gay, a large number of older gay men are likely to turn out. While I think events in the visual arts are best, the performing arts such as plays and concerts provide intermissions in which you might mingle with people you’re interested in. The gallery districts of many cities hold first Friday events or other sorts of festivals. I think theses are excellent opportunities for meeting people; the art on exhibit offer excellent conversations starters.

4. Attend fundraising events; older men tend to be more politically involved. Whether it is a fundraiser for your local HIV/AIDS charity or a local Democratic candidate, fundraisers can provide an opportunity to meet smart and socially engaged people. It doesn’t hurt that potential mates will also see you as a caring socially conscious person.

5. Get involved with your local GLBT resource center. By staying involved in the community you’ll stay abreast of special events and you can build a network of friends. Who knows they just might introduce you to Mr. Right. My local community center regularly holds a GLBT “happy hour” at a local bar. Your resource center may also get you connected to those social groups I mentioned earlier.

6. Keep you eyes and mind open during your day to day life. As a group gay people are pretty bad at self ghettoizing; we think that gay bars and dating sites are our only options. Instead, remain open to opportunities to meet people all the time. Your hobbies and everyday activities may present opportunities for potential mates to approach you. Just walking your dog, riding your motorcycle, or going to the gym may draw a potential mate’s attention. Also, look for ways to start conversations with those men you find handsome or interesting. I’m not saying you should start by putting on the charm full force, but test the waters with attractive older men when you can. Even if they don’t happen to be gay learning to approach and talk with older men will be good practice for when you do meet an older gay man.

by gaytodecember

Tips for Older Gay Men Dating Younger Gays: Perspectives of a Younger Gay

2011-12-04T17:48:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving: Now Here Are Some Kissing Men

2011-11-27T13:18:00.000-08:00

This Thanksgiving let's give thanks to.... men. Here is a fun clip of "supposed" straight men kissing gay men.

The Science of Smooching: Why Men and Women Kiss Differently

2011-11-27T13:14:00.000-08:00

Sure, kissing feels good. But it's also an evolutionary advantage. Now a new book explains the science behind passionate lip-locks, and what they tell us about how men and women approach romantic relationships.

The precise origins of kissing are unknown. But some scientists hypothesize that the practice evolved from feeding rituals between animal mothers and their young, wherein mothers would chew and break down food before passing it directly to their offspring by mouth. Out of that gesture grew a universal sign of love and affection.

In the new book The Science of Kissing: What Our Lips Are Telling Us, author Sheril Kirshenbaum cites the work of Rutgers University anthropologist Helen Fisher, who says kissing evolved to fulfill three essential needs: sex drive, romantic love and attachment. Romantic kissing is a part of more than 90% of human cultures, and its role, as Kirshenbaum puts it, is to help us "find partners, commit to one person and keep couples together long enough to have a child."

Survival Tips for The Dating Gay Man

2011-11-19T11:08:00.000-08:00

“I don’t think there’s enough passion between us”, “I don’t think we are a complete match”, “I’m not feeling a click”, “I don’t think there’s enough chemistry on my side”, “We’re not sexually compatible”, “I’m not ready for a relationship”, “It’s not you; it’s me”, “I’d like for us to remain friends”.

Oh…the perils of dating! We’ve all been on the giving or receiving end of these statements and it never feels good either way. Sometimes nothing is ever said, and the situation just fades away causing us even more confusion. Dating can be very difficult, especially in the online environments we often find ourselves.

So how do we take care of our personal well-being in dating situations?

Here are some dating survival tips to consider:

1). Date for dating’s sake – Get rid of the expectation of finding “the

one” and just date. Meet people with the intention of getting to know them and

learning about who they are. Avoid getting emotionally caught up too soon. Release

the pressure and expectation that this might be “the one” for the long-term.

2). Actions don’t necessarily speak louder than words – We’ve all been

told that “actions speak louder than words” but this isn’t always so. Be wary

of interpreting someone’s actions as meaning that they are into you or that

they actually want a relationship with you. Some guys may say sweet things, buy

you flowers or gifts, treat you to dinner, introduce you to their friends and

family or initiate sex as a part of their own dating rituals. These actions may

hold no specific meaning to you whatsoever.

3). Have fun – Enjoy the process of dating. Put your best self forward

and have fun. You cannot control another person’s thoughts, feelings or

behaviors. You also can’t control the outcome of the experience. You can allow

yourself to have fun! Be lighthearted about it all – stay in the moment, enjoy

your dates and let go of your attachment to the outcome.

4). Stay focused on your life – Make time to plan activities apart from

dating. Remember that dating is only one aspect of your life. Do other things

that bring you pleasure and balance your dating life with other important life

areas – having a rich full life makes you a very attractive person overall.

5). Learn how to handle rejection – It’s never easy to be let down but don’t

personalize the rejection. Recognize that everyone has their own psychological

issues and relationship histories that they bring into dating situations. If

someone tells you they don’t want to go forward don’t make it about you. There

can be any number of reasons that caused them to back out, and they probably

have absolutely nothing to do with you. If you need to, you can talk about the

experience with a friend, therapist or coach to help you to quickly move on.

6). Focus on your well-being – Take care of yourself every day by asking

– What can I do to take care of myself today? Perhaps it’s exercising,

meditating, or going out with friends or family. Do whatever is meaningful to

you. Make a commitment to yourself to do something each day that makes you feel

good.

Finally, always remember what my grandmother used to say:

“Men are like buses, there is always another one coming”!

It's time more gay men became dads

2011-11-07T20:17:00.000-08:00

There's never been a better time for gay men to start a family in Britain. The law is now on their side. And recent Cambridge University research for Stonewall shows children with same-sex parents enjoy the same quality of upbringing as those from other families.

Slowly but surely, prejudices around gay men raising children are being disproven. But just 60 of the 3,200 children who were adopted in England in the year ending 21 March were adopted by male same-sex couples – less than 2%. Still, this is progress – the figure is up from 30 children adopted by gay male couples in 2007.

Around 4,000 children are waiting to be adopted in the UK at any one time. Gay men are a group who may have previously written off the prospect of having children and, if more were persuaded to put themselves forward, could help drive down this figure. So why aren't more men signing up to be gay dads?

First, not everyone knows the law has changed. Same-sex couples have been able to adopt jointly in England and Wales since December 2005 and in Scotland since September 2009. The sheer momentum of legal changes around gay equality in the last decade has meant that lesbian, gay and bisexual people have often focused on the changes that most immediately affect them – not being sacked from their jobs for being gay for example (2003), fully equal legal recognition of their relationships (2005) or being able to have a civil partnership ceremony in their place of worship (expected this year for those religions who opt in).

Of course, gay men often play an important part in their families as brothers, sons, uncles, nephews, godfathers and babysitters. But having children is a big decision that requires a lot of reflection for gay couples – including legitimate concerns that their children may experience homophobic bullying in schools.

Stonewall's Different Families research on children with same-sex parents, published earlier this year, shows that this is even happening in primary schools. Sian, aged nine, told researchers she can feel down about other kids' comments: "I wish that people didn't be rude about gay people." That said, anyone who feels slightly put off by this just needs to listen to the interview I did with Jess, 17, whose dad is gay. She couldn't be prouder of him and told me: "Every girl wants a gay best friend, but mine is my dad, too."

There's another, broader reason I'd suggest to explain why gay men haven't rushed to start families. People have historically become nervous where gay men and children are concerned – the notoriously homophobic section 28 sprang from an innocuous book called Jenny Lives with Eric and Martin.

The prejudices around gay men being untrustworthy with children range from the seriously offensive (gay men are secretly paedophiles) to the frivolously stereotypical (gay men would rather spend their pink pound on parties, Marc Jacobs and the gym than children). Then there are all the negative stereotypes in between: that gay men are all promiscuous (a stubborn myth, recently disproven) and unable to offer a stable family home because their relationships are less enduring than others; that gay men only want children as an accessory to their "designer" life, making them incapable of considering the long-term consequences; that two men can't be trusted to raise a child because a maternal figure in the family home is essential to a child's wellbeing (I've disproven that one myself.) It's no wonder many gay men have been put off the family question until now; with all these misconceptions around, it's difficult not to absorb some of them.

Support is at hand. Stonewall has just launched a guide for gay dads – the first specifically aimed at them – which gives practical advice and guidance for gay men considering starting a family. This is the brother publication to Pregnant Pause – Stonewall's guide for lesbians on how to get pregnant, released earlier this year.

Adoption isn't the only way to be a gay dad, of course. The guide for gay dads takes you through all your options, including co-parenting, surrogacy, sperm donation and fostering. It includes a handy glossary and spells out all the recent legal changes in plain English to make the prospect far less scary. This is timed to coincide with the Alternative Families Show today – the first event of its kind, which aims to demystify the process of becoming a parent for the gay community. So gay men need no longer fear starting their own families.

In 21st-century Britain, Jenny really can live with Eric and Martin – and we now know Jenny is likely grow into a happy, well-developed person in a loving, supportive family; something every child deserves.

by Gary Nunn

Stages of Gay Relationship Development

2011-10-16T13:56:00.000-07:00

McWhirter and Madison (1984, 1987a, 1987b) have provided couples therapy for many gay couples and have interviewed over 150 male couples over the past 5 years. They conceptualize gay relationships as consisting of six stages.

McWhirter and Madison begin their discussion of gay relationships by discussing the climate in which gay relationships develop. They explain that

"Heterosexual couples do not grapple with issues about roles, finances, ownerships, and social obligations in the same way as gay men do. The heterosexual couple that was concerned about acceptance by their mutual families was exceptional, whereas this was the rule for homosexual couples.... Heterosexual couples lived with some expectation that their relationships were to last "until death do us part," whereas gay couples wondered if their relationships could survive. Heterosexual couples have a wide variety of models for their partnerships -- Adam and Eve, Romeo and Juliet, Ozzie and Harriet, Kramer and Kramer. Gay men have only the same heterosexual models, including their own families, which they may try to emulate but find unsuitable.... Non-gay people rarely question the rightness or wrongness of their sexual orientation, but at some point gay persons do." (p. 3)

It should be noted that Coming Out is not a single step, like high school graduation, or even a "clean" stage by stage progression. Often progression to one stage is temporary and regression to an earlier stage follows. Often one may be "Out" to friends but not to family. Often one may be satisfied with oneself but unable to find and maintain intimate relationships, thus preventing further growth.

What follows is a short summary of McWhirter and Madison's (1984) six stages of gay relationships. It should be noted that couples may form while the individuals are at any of the given stages. The individual members of the couple may also be at different stages of the coming out process.

Blending - Stage 1 - Year 1

This first stage in a couple's development entails the "unification" of the couple into a single unit. Each is very happy to have the other and to no longer feel isolated and alone. The couple spends most all their time together, experiences high limerence (romantic love), show high sexual activity, and attempt to equalize the relationship. This equalization process serves to help the couple negotiate responsibilities, rules, mutual goals, individual strengths and weaknesses.... It can be a very difficult time for couples, in that the two members of the couple are socialized in very similar ways. Males are supposed to be decision makers, bread winners, and dominant. Two men may have a hard time giving up control, negotiating responsibilities, learning to rely on and support each other, and being able to show each other their strengths as well as weaknesses.

Nesting - Stage 2 - Years 2 and 3

This second stage is characterized by homemaking, finding compatibility, declining limerence, and ambivalence. Homemaking serves to represent their commitment to each other. Finding compatibility requires accepting and learning to live with each other's differences, personality styles, needs, and goals. Issues of control, power, autonomy etc. can play an especially important role at this point. The loss of limerence (or the "end of the honeymoon") can result in a more realistic view of the relationship and can cause a weakening of the relationship or of the members' commitment to the relationship. This may result in some ambivalence, depression, or jealousy. Internalized homophobia, models about how relationships develop, isolation from role models, ideas about how couples act, what couples should do and not do... all come into play here.

Maintaining - Stage 3 - Years 4 and 5

This stage is characterized by the re-emergence of the individual, establishing traditions and customs, dealing with conflict, and taking risks. The members of the couple may re-assert their individual needs and deal with the conflicts that will result. The couple does not have the traditions provided by dating, engagement, marriage, and religion, and has to develop their own. They may settle into traditions around holidays, may wear rings, may deal with the issue of monogamy ... and increase the stability of the couple. Each member may express interest in new activities or hobbies that do not include the other, make friends outside the couple without the other, and make career changes or development. Each member may take risks by expressing something that they dislike about the other. This involves the risk of hurting the other, losing the relationship, and of admitting that one is not everything to one's spouse. The couple learns also to deal with disagreement, conflict, problems, and "standing differences of opinion." The couple may get through these hard times with the support of family, which McWhirter and Madison (1982) note, may only come after the couple has been together for three or so years.

Building - Stage 4 - Years 6 through 10

This stage is characterized by the settling of the last stage and the feeling of "dependability." The couple establishes the independence of the individual partners, but also reaches a new balance of dependence/ independence. They are now able to collaborate towards newer goals and desires, such as career building or pooled financial ventures. One partner who did the cooking for several years may turn the job over to the other partner and go back to school. This stage may also be marked by a comfortable complementarity, a decreased need to process every issue and discuss every decision, and the ability to "know what the other is thinking" in a conversation. This may also be detrimental if the communication process breaks down or if members make unwarranted assumptions about the relationship.

Releasing - Stage 5 - Years 10 through 20

In this stage the couple trust each other completely, after realizing who they are and who the other person is. There is no desire to "change" the other one. Close friendship and companionship are the main characteristics of this stage, as well as higher relationship quality (Kurdek, 1989). Money and resources are no longer shared so much as they are simply owned by both. Each member gives themselves freely to the other. The couple may however, begin to find life with each other as boring. They may begin to take each other for granted, may sleep apart, may find little pleasure in their accomplishments, and the individual members may experience the "mid-life crisis." However, after resolving this stage, the couple may move into the next stage.

Renewing - Stage 6

The could be called "the retirement" stage of the relationship. The couple has achieved adequate financial security and now has time for each other. As they move toward "old age" together issues of health may become important. Each individual may be concerned with his own health as well as the health of the other. Old friends may die at this stage as well. Issues of productivity, accomplishment, and meaning in life may become important. It should be noted that McWhirter and Madison compiled these stages before 1984, when AIDS was beginning to be identified in hospitals. Issues of health, dying, financial security, and loneliness become even more important during this stage in the 1990's. Lower self-esteem and depression may exacerbate already present feelings of estrangement from family (Lang, 1991). Issues and conflicts in this stage of the relationship conform to Erikson's "Integrity versus Despair" stage of psychosocial development.

Being Gay In America

2011-10-16T13:49:00.000-07:00

In this first-ever photographic survey of gay men in America, stereotypes are laid to rest and an intimate, honest picture of contemporary gay life is revealed through stunning personal portraits and narratives.

Photographer Scott Pasfield traveled 54,000 miles across all fifty states over a three-year span gathering stories and documenting the lives of 140 gay men from all walks of life. At turns joyful and somber, reflective and celebratory, each narrative and image is an enlightening look into the variety of gay life in the United States.

Pasfield's striking and perceptive portraits reflect the same beautiful diversity found in any sampling of our population. Each of these men is unique and whole, complex and fallible, just as we all are. They come in every size and shape, every religion, color, profession, and background.

There are farmers, writers, doctors, lawyers, artists, teachers, students; there are fathers and husbands, activists, and business men. Some are successful, some are struggling, some are political, some are wealthy, some are wounded, and some are deeply content.

Their commonality draws from a single shared trait: their homosexuality. These are men who are attracted to men, and have chosen not to disguise that truth. For many, there have been harsh consequences to this decision, but also deep rewards. The message that prevails is one of great hope that true equality is close within our reach, if only we would grasp it.

Click here to buy

Will I ever find a gay partner?

2011-10-16T13:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Alice,

I've been gay all of my life, and until just now, I've learned to accept it. I've told all my friends that I am gay. Some of them didn't like that, and now they're not my friends. None of my other friends are gay, which was a disappointment because I had a crush on one of them. Now I don't know what to do because not only do I not know who else is gay, but I don't have the courage to ask someone out. I'm afraid that if I can't ask someone out by the time I'm out of college, I'll never be able to have a relationship. I don't want to have to resort to online dating either. I want to know how I can overcome my fear.

— Gay and proud

Dear Gay and proud,

Give yourself a big round of applause for accomplishing an important first step on the road to Gay Date-Land: coming out. It can be scary and hard to come out, especially when not everyone responds with enthusiasm. It sounds like you've mastered this important step, and sorted your true allies from those who are less supportive.

You say you've "learned to accept" your sexuality. What about developing some enthusiasm about it? (This could actually be useful to dating and something that you might consider revisiting.) Sure, there are some challenges to being gay, especially those related to dealing with homophobia. But in spite of the difficulties, your sexuality is a natural and healthy part of who you are, and as your signature suggests, something that can bring you happiness and pride. Being gay means you don't have to conform to the social norms of heterosexuality, giving you the freedom to define your own sexuality and relationships. It can also connect you to a strong community of activists working to make schools and communities safer and more welcoming for everyone. There are great things about being gay!

On to another step: figuring out who else is gay. This is important not just as a precursor to asking someone out, but also because being the only out gay person can be lonely. And, having other folks with whom you can share experiences could help you overcome your fears about relationships. Others could give you dating tips or creative pick-up lines or commiserate about crushes on straight friends. Beyond the obvious rainbow flag wavers and those who sport pink triangle jewelry, finding other gay people can be tough because homophobia can keep many people from coming out. You can try to hone your gay-dar (like radar), a sixth sense that tells you if someone is gay. Sometimes gay-dar is based on stereotypes (that feminine men or masculine women are more likely to be queer), or it can be based on interests or knowledge. If you mention same-sex marriage, or a famous lesbian on TV, does the person perk up and take notice?

Is there a gay-straight alliance or LGBT group at your school? A queer youth group in your community? Maybe you could meet other LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer or Questioning) people that way.

You're unimpressed with the online dating options, but maybe you could find information online about organizations or events in your area where you might be able to make friends. A lot of people on the internet are like you; they're having a hard time finding other gay people and are looking for meaningful relationships (friendly or romantic). If you live in an area without an established LGBTQ community, connections you make on the internet might especially help you feel less isolated. Check out Looking for love online for information about online dating.

And now, the big leap: asking someone out. The same skills apply as in hetero-dating: communication, confidence, and resilience. There's also the added necessity of having a functioning gay-dar system or some other way of figuring out if your object of interest would consider a same-sex relationship. Once you've identified a possible date-ee, you're ready to ask that person out. This can be divided into two parts: (1) getting someone to spend time with you so you can learn more about each other, and (2) expressing your romantic interest in them. The first part could be practiced with friends. "Hey, wanna go see a movie on Friday?" "Have you been to the new coffee shop? Maybe we could check it out after school." For more pointers on how to ask someone out, check out the Related Q&As below.

If you're comfortable making plans with your friends, you could think of dating as the same sort of process. It might feel less intimidating if you think of it as a chance to get to know each other as friends, rather than a formal date. Start small! If you seem to both enjoy spending time together, you could move to the second part, where you express your romantic interest. Getting to know the person will hopefully give you a sense of whether they share your interest. Then, when you say something like "I really enjoy spending time with you. Would you want to be my boyfriend?" it won't feel like such a huge leap.

Asking someone out is scary for almost everyone, so it's good to take small steps, keep a positive attitude, and try to relax. Many people who don't date in high school go on to have happy, successful relationships later in life. You're ahead of the curve in having come out so young. As you get older, your pool of potential partners will probably grow, as more of your peers develop the courage to come out as well. If you practice initiating friendly activities and friendships, and spend time getting to know people, hopefully something will develop comfortably into something more.

From Ask Alice

Gay Men Likes: “Designer” Underpants

2011-09-18T11:33:00.000-07:00

Most gay guys will think of this as designer underwear rather than designer underpants but there is a crucial difference between the two that goes to the heart of why only underpants matter: underwear includes undershirts. The undershirt is worn only to keep perspiration off a real shirt, or to be lifted above the abs in personal-ad photos. Undershirts are thus not particularly important in the gay guy’s wardrobe. Even the first case isn’t as frequent as a straight person might think since in general, gay guys prefer to go to events where as few men as possible will be wearing shirts at all. Note, however, that this will not stop gay guys from complaining bitterly that only the “wrong” guys are wearing shirts.

Underpants, on the other hand, are more than appropriate for any occasion, and on that special occasion when a gay guy has met a new, let’s say “candidate for boyfriend status”, designer underpants are the exclamation point at the end of the sentence.

The phenomenon appears to have begun in the early 1990s when Calvin Klein charged $15 for the underwear that Mark Wahlberg wore in a 100 foot tall billboard in Times Square. (The photo was taken by Herb Ritts, who will be discussed in an upcoming post.) Gay guys flocked to Nordstrom and Macy’s to buy those underpants, and then flocked to Mark Wahlberg book signings and public appearances to ask him to sign them (which he did, and quite graciously), giving birth to an entirely new mode of conspicuous consumption.

It’s difficult for non gay guys (and even many gay guys) to keep up with the neverending parade of designer underpant brands. First there was Calvin Klein. Then there was 2(x)ist. At some point California Muscle became sufficiently fashionable that is homepage became almost NSFW. And now AussieBum ads are popping up all over. What makes keeping up with designer underpant brands particularly challenging is the same feature that makes them particularly exciting: you almost never get to see what others are wearing.

At this point readers may have the erroneous impression that gay guys are shallow. Designer underpants do the same thing as cheap underpants but are expensive, and since they’re only seen by a select few people (boyfriends, tricks, cleaning ladies and the occasional stalker/burglar), perhaps a little ridiculous. But there are two distinct advantages. First, designers have to advertise their underpants, and let’s not mince words here. Gay guys don’t particularly mind subsidizing billboards and magazine spreads full of men in their underwear. And second, a straight guy’s underwear drawer is like his diary. Underpants bought last year. Another pair bought by a girlfriend two years ago. Perhaps some boxers from college, and yes, maybe even one or two pre-college pairs that his mother got at Sears. Gay guys’ preference for designer underwear that begin to go out of style as soon as the purchaser leaves the checkout line encourages gay guys to throw out old underwear, which may not seem like a big thing, but ask your mother how she’d feel if you were hit by a car and taken to the hospital wearing a pair of Fruit of the Looms she bought in 1991 and then ask yourself if throwing out all your 2003 2(x)ists and replacing them with new Dolce and Gabbanas is all that bad. Plus, she may not admit it, but your mother probably doesn’t mind those billboards either.

More Unsolicited Gay Dating Tips

2011-09-18T11:23:00.000-07:00

With the onset of AIDS in the early 80's, the gay dating landscape has undergone a 360 degree turn. Whereas bars were the hub of gay life from the early years of Gay Liberation to the 80's, we now seek other venues for meeting potential partners. Before, during the golden years of Gay Liberation, being gay meant bar-hopping, cruising and immediate sex. The central theme of homosexuality was immediate, carpe diem sex. However, deeper and more profound ways of relating emerged alongside the AIDS virus scare. Gradually, gay men sought dating, courtship and more intimate, long-term relationships.

Though gay relationships, by their nature, had more sexual undertones, they are no less in need of commitment, security and fidelity than those in heterosexual relationships. The process of getting to know a gay partner is also no slower or faster; it takes the same investment in time and effort. Once you have made that steadfast resolution to take the gay dating exercise seriously, take note of the following tips of making this activity more fun, fulfilling and goal-oriented.

Be selective. The idea behind dating is exploring the possibility that you and this person may be romantically involved in the future. As much as you would want to date as many gay men as possible, limit your encounters to three to five per month. Being selective permits you to exercise patience, perseverance and control in the dating process. Do not be in a hurry to find Mr. Right. It takes time, effort, and several dating occasions to know the deeper side of your potential mate. Investing a little time in searching for THE one is a small price to pay right?

Do not distract... attract! Tonight's the night! You're going out on a date. Whether homosexual or not, the dating basics still apply. These include being prepared - both physically and mentally - for the event. Dress up appropriately and project an image worth respecting.

Talk, but don't talk your head off. The basic talking and listening skills likewise apply. Avoid talking about negative, tragic or miserable past experiences during the early dating stages. NOBODY wants to date a whiner. And listen with true interest. If you really like your date, listening attentively tells him you are interested which in turn makes YOU a likely long-term relationship candidate for him. Also, avoid talking about your stigma on being gay. Hello? This is not news to him. The last thing you want to discuss with him, especially on a first date, is how difficult gay dating and gay relationships can be. Talk about worthwhile topics such as common interests, values and prevailing motivators. Try to sustain interest and enthusiasm in each other for the first few encounters.

Bring your wallet. Even if he was the one to invite you out, be prepared. If you guys are trying out a new restaurant, it's always better to have extra cash for any 'surprises'. Also, you don't know how the night will turn out. You can end up leaving him or him leaving you, so ensure that you can always get back home with or without him.

Bring a gift. If you're having a dinner date at his place, bring a bottle of wine, a book he casually mentioned that he liked and has been looking for, food to compliment what you'll be eating or anything that would make him feel that the dinner date is appreciated. But don't be extravagant! If this is a first date, you don't really know him yet and he might get offended. Bring a simple and 'non-commital' gift as well. I mean silk ties might make him want jump out the window. The thing to keep in mind here is a little thoughtful something...

To ask or not to ask. Ok, you REALLY like him, but does he feel the same way about you? Of course you can ask him out or casually ask about his plans for next weekend but don't push. But if you're sure he likes you back and want to lead this time, by all means, ask him out!

Delay gratification - that is, sexual gratification. The question really here is... do you like this guy FOR NOW or FOREVER. If you're looking for your lifetime partner, chances are, it would be better to delay having sex. The rule of thumb is no sex for the first three dates. Ouch! But do consider this

Bring a condom. Ok, I'm NOT contradicting myself; it IS always best to wait. But when the waiting is done and you guys are now sure you want to take the relationship to a higher level, do practice safe sex after your hot date!

As a gay man in his forties I don't claim to be a "dating expert". That said however, I must tell you that personally I don't like to think of two people getting together to spend time with each other as dating. I really dislike labels. When the term dating is used I feel that it denotes preconcieved images of how an evening has to play out. There is nothing wrong with just spending time with somebody and getting to know them without any pressure, and just seeing what happens from there.

I like to be honest with somebody that I am interested in. I think that it is extremely important to be yourself, don't misrepresent who you are, and above all else, to know what you want out of a potential relationship. Just like any other goal that you are striving toward you have to be able to define it. You have to know what you are looking for, in a mate, partner, sex buddy, or whatever kind of relationship you are striving to attain. If you can effectively communicate what you would like your relationship to be and be honest about your expectations, you and your date will know if they are wasting their time. It is always better to know if you are compatible sooner rather than later. I tend to know exactly what I want and I am always honest about communicating it to the other person. At this point you might be thinking that there is no possibility that you could be so bold.

Being bold is not that difficult. Myself, I am generally not a very forward person when it comes to meeting people but, I have thought about each time that I have met an interesting guy whether it be in a bar, coffee house or social event. Each time had something in common. That something is that, somebody has to make contact. Don't use a corny line or gimmick. Be yourself and state what you want. It can be as simple and straight forward as saying, "you look like an interesting guy so I just wanted to come over and say hi". If you want to go to dinner, hang out, go to a movie or whatever....ask for it. I find that being bold and directly stating what you want is more effective than beating around the bush and cuts through all of the game playing. I have had guys tell me that they wanted to, hang out sometime, go to dinner, make me dinner, go to a movie, go to a wine tasting party, have sex, go for coffee and you know what? It worked, not all of the time but a good share of the time. State what you want and you just might get it. Don't play games.

Datable guys, or rather guys with potential for what I am looking for, just have to be who they normally are. Anybody looking for that perfect guy is being unrealistic. Expecting somebody to be perfect is way too much pressure. Our quirks and imperfections are what make us unique and interesting. Don't try too hard, don't be needy, and don't be upset if somebody shoots you down. Go meet somebody else.

So to tie it all up it really is quite simple to meet somebody for whatever type of relationship you are looking for. All you need to remember is to be bold, honest and datable.

A Dating Service Gives a Nod to Jewish Gays

2011-09-01T14:00:00.000-07:00

One symbol for being gay is a triangle, and when two triangles like each other a lot, they make a Star of David. That, at least, is the idea behind a feature that has been added to JDate.com, the eight-year-old Jewish dating service, as part of its first redesign since 2002.

Dan Levin complained to JDate about its lack of same-sex search options. The site has since added them.

Under the new feature, which was incorporated into the site in November, it is possible to specify the sex of the person being sought; until then, people simply identified themselves as men or women - the assumption being that everyone was heterosexual.

Dan Levin, a 24-year-old resident of the East Village, complained about the matter to JDate's corporate offices. "I had felt left out of the whole JDate phenomenon," he said. Mr. Levin, who works for the nonprofit Jewish Coalition for Service, added that the JDate representative he spoke with had assured him that gay searches would start "in a few weeks."

Other JDaters looked for subtle ways to telegraph their preferences.

"I had a silent protest," said Lane Rosner, a gay JDater, whose profile name, since changed, was AlsoLookingForAJewishBoy. "I said I was looking for a Jewish girl who has a gay Jewish friend. I wanted it out there."

Mr. Rosner, a 23-year-old graphic designer who lives on the Upper West Side, is typical of some of the gay New Yorkers who turn to the site. He is a strict observer of Shabbat, the Jewish Sabbath, which allows no cooking, no spending money and no skipping out on praying at temple. Such rules make Friday-night dating difficult. He says he would like to find a man who is gay but not flamboyant and who is Jewish without being, as the joke goes, merely Jew-ish. As Mr. Rosner puts it in JDate profile, "I love surprising someone I'm with and being romantic from time to time, but I'm not into constant mushy gross stuff like making out while waiting to cross the street at a light."

One day, Mr. Rosner might find himself on a JDate with Lon Steinberg, a second-year student at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine, in the Bronx. Athletic and lighthearted, Mr. Steinberg composes classical music in his free time, and even at 23, he talks about his desire for children, making him something of a Jewish mother's gay dream come true.

Mr. Steinberg is not observant, but he seeks a boyfriend from his own culture, and for him, JDate is digital manna. "In the gay scene, especially in New York, there's a lot of people who need to be filtered," he said. "It's just so much better than going to a gay club, getting wasted and having a bunch of random sex."

JDate is one of a number of specialty dating sites owned by Sparks Networks, which is based in Beverly Hills, Calif. Gail Laguna, a spokeswoman for the company, said the new feature was part of a general upgrade that included instant messaging and video chat.

"On JDate, there are now a total of 600,000 singles," she said. "The greater our diversity, the greater our need to serve a wider mix of interests."

Although JDate has no official count, a recent search of the site pulled up profiles of 259 gay men and 57 lesbians in the five boroughs.

Many of the city's Jewish singles said they welcomed the expansion of the site.

"The whole point of having a Jewish community is to be open to anyone who wants to walk in," said Rabbi Joy Levitt, an assistant executive director at the Jewish Community Center in Manhattan. A gay outreach program was among the first created at the center when it was founded on the Upper West Side 15 years ago.

Mr. Rosner, the graphic designer, has so far had two dates through the service. With the first date, there was no chemistry, he said, and the second one went worse. "I was more a therapist to him than a date to him," Mr. Rosner admitted with a groan. "He has some family issues. But gay or straight, everyone has issues."

By RICHARD MORGAN

Gay Kissing: So Sexy

2011-08-27T09:55:00.000-07:00

Here is something to start your weekend off on a good note. Enjoy...

Why drinking in gay bars is a bad way for gay men to socialize

2011-08-22T10:12:00.000-07:00

Whilst gay bars remain very popular, a surprisingly high number of gay men opt not to socialize in them. It may be that they have tried them and lost interest or that they simply refuse to drink there. There’s a common perception that all gay men love gay bars, but it’s just not true and there are good reasons why this is the case.

Issues of stereotyping

The ‘camp’ image of gay men is often made worse by the way in which gay bars are managed. Most gay bars operate to a very similar model with loud, thumping club music and dancing. It’s wrong, however, to assume that everybody likes this and, particularly at weekends, they aren’t necessarily a good place to go if you enjoy a good conversation. As much as it’s a myth that all gay men are effeminate, it’s also not true that all gay men enjoy that loud, dance music driven atmosphere.

They can be cliquey and bitchy

Many gay bars, particularly those in smaller cities and suburbs, can be very cliquey. The same people can drink in there all the time and new faces are quickly pounced on. Once everyone knows everyone else, the environment can become bitchy and the atmosphere can be quite unpleasant. There’s a pressure to look and dress a certain way. Society seems to think that all gay men get on with all other gay men but this simply isn’t true.

Anonymity and secrecy at risk

Many gay men are not open about their sexuality to colleagues, friends or family members. If they are seen going in or coming out of a gay bar it can be disastrous for them. It’s also possible that they will bump into somebody they work with or that they know in other circles who may jump at the news that they have a new gay colleague.

Gay bars can be very shallow

It can be very difficult to make good friends in gay bars. Many men drinking in there are really only interested in hooking up with a guy for sex and that makes it quite soul destroying if you want to make genuine friends. Many gay bars are far more orientated towards ‘cruising’ for other men rather than meeting people and many gay men find this very off putting.

They can be like a sideshow

Many people still see gay men as a novelty or some kind of fun sideshow. Gay bars often attract groups of heterosexual women, who think they’re being really cool but are actually quite offensive. Likewise, some straight men come to gay bars with their girlfriends just to prove they don’t have an issue with it, when in fact they’re quite uncomfortable. Gay bars often create a whole set of social dynamics you wouldn’t see in a mainstream bar.

Whilst gay bars undoubtedly have some very appealing features, like anything else there are also down sides. It should never be assumed that all gay men like and want to socialize in gay bars. For some gay men, it’s their idea of hell.

by Philip Lop

Black gay men seek community space in SF

2011-08-22T10:06:00.000-07:00

Isolated not only from the larger LGBT community, but also from each other, the city's black gay male population is seeking a place to call home.

Unlike other ethnic groups, the approximately 4,500 gay black men who reside in San Francisco do not have a central gathering place to meet, socialize and create a sense of community. The Castro is seen as a neighborhood for white gay men, and with the shuttering of the Pendulum bar several years ago, black gay men lost the last remaining gay space that catered to them.

''There is no place to socialize. It is very limited for us,'' said Norman Tanner, an outreach worker with the San Francisco AIDS Foundation's Black Brothers Esteem program who has lived in the Tenderloin since the mid 1970s. '' The nightlife is not what it used to be.''

Creating such a space is seen as key in not only addressing the spiritual and health needs of African American men who have sex with men, but also as a way to combat the disproportionately high prevalence of HIV infection within this subset of the city's gay male population.

Health officials estimate that 1,500 gay and bisexual black men in the city are HIV positive. While preliminary data has shown a significant drop off of HIV infections among gay black men under the age of 30, infections among older gay black men have been rising.

Researchers estimate that in older gay black men, HIV prevalence rose from 18.2 percent in 2004 to 25.5 in 2008. It is the only ethnic group to show a rise in HIV infections in gay men over 30 years old. Overall, the city's HIV infection rate has been steady, or endemic, for several years now.

But data local HIV researchers have found point to a continuing HIV epidemic among black men due to their higher chance of having black partners. Studies done by the health department's HIV epidemiology section have found that among gay men as a whole, black men are seen as the least desirable partners and are perceived as being the most risky for contracting HIV.

''The one thing that cuts across neighborhoods and socioeconomic status is a sense of isolation,'' said John Newsome, an out gay black man tapped by the health department's HIV prevention section to lead a working group tasked with developing a plan to stop the spread of HIV among African American men who have sex with men. '' Black MSM are disconnected from one another and the larger gay community. They feel isolated.''

The result is a closed sexual network, where HIV is more easily transmitted among gay black men, despite the fact they do not engage in riskier sexual practices than other gay men. In order to break this logjam, HIV prevention director Dr. Grant Colfax made targeting efforts specifically geared toward black men a top priority and asked Newsome to form a working group.

The working group spent the last year talking to gay black men, as well as researchers and HIV experts from across the country. They presented their plan at an all day summit Monday, February 2 to more than 75 community leaders, health professionals, and employees of black HIV prevention agencies.

'' HIV is sophisticated now. We need to be sophisticated about it,'' said Tony Bradford, a member of the working group who is the interim program director of the Black Brothers Esteem program.

One of the group's main suggestions is to target the city's efforts in the three neighborhoods where the majority of black men live: the Tenderloin, Bayview and Western Addition. The plan calls for HIV testing programs and prevention campaigns designed specifically for each neighborhood.

By doing so, Newsome said, ''We've tackled two thirds of the epidemic.'' Though he cautioned there still needs to a '' citywide lens as well.''

A top priority that emerged from the summit was locating a '' one stop shop'' type of community space in the Tenderloin that could serve as a gathering space for black men to socialize and receive health care such as testing for HIV and STDs.

Such a centralized hub has the backing of Bradford, whose program meets at the foundation's 6th Street offices near the heart of the Tenderloin and can attract upwards of 50 black men, some of whom do not identify as gay or bi.

''We are where we need to be. The success of the program is because we are in their neighborhood,'' said Bradford. ''I am a big believer that the Tenderloin is where we need to be.''

Bradford's program already has had success combining game nights with having STD and HIV testing. He said he would like to see San Francisco duplicate Los Angeles' Jewel's Catch One.

According to the club's Web site, it was the country's first black gay and lesbian disco when it opened in 1972.

Since then it has evolved into both a dance club and community center that welcomes everyone, regardless of sexual orientation. It also runs an alternative nonprofit medical clinic, called the Village Health Foundation, which is next door to the club.

''A club like Jewel's Catch One might be the answer,'' said Bradford. '' Maybe we do need a club to work with men who don't come out until night or 3 a.m. I can see that surrounded by services.''

Club night

Gay black men have begun to launch their own club nights. East Bay club promoter Joe Hawkins has brought his Club Rimshot into the city for special parties at Club Eight. Then there is the Some Brothas Gathering events, where gay black men rent out a venue to host their own party four times a year.

The problem is there is no central source for black gay men who may be new to the city or not

connected to their peers to find out about such events, said Francis Broome, the interim HIV prevention director at the Black Coalition on AIDS.

'' Because of the small number of black men in San Francisco there is not a visible community,'' said Broome, who is also a member of the working group. ''There isn't a space in the Castro black men can call their own.''

Some envision seeing a space modeled after Magnet, the gay men's health center in the Castro. Bradford referred to it as Magnet South or the Spot and envisions such a center as a location for outreach, workshops and social events. Monthly potlucks for gay black men that had been held at the Castro space had an overwhelmingly positive response.

''We need that down here and I know the AIDS foundation is supporting that idea,'' he said. '' Let's do an Afro centric Magnet.''

Kyriell Noon, an out black man who is executive director of the Stop AIDS Project, stressed any space geared toward black gay men needs to take a holistic approach and must answer the question of who is it for.

''It should be a community center and not a service center,'' said Noon, who was not part of the working group. '' We need to answer those questions and make the hard decisions on the best places to put dwindling resources.''

Colfax said he is supportive of helping get such a space off the ground, but cautioned it would need long term funding sources in order to survive.

Supervisor Bevan Dufty, who will join the board's budget committee next month, also has offered to help enact the working group's recommendations.

''There is no excuse not to do this, despite the budget travails we face right now,'' he said.

by Matthew S. Bajko

Gay Body Language Book Debuts to Stellar Sales

2011-08-14T07:50:00.000-07:00

The first book to apply scientifically-proven body language principles to gay love lives debuted last week to stellar sales. With a staggering number of downloads in its first week, Attract Hotter Guys with the Secrets and Science of Sexual Body Language may usher in a new era in publishing: Gay ebooks.

The instant popularity of the book surprised even author Mike Alvear, the nationally-syndicated sex advice columnist and co-host of HBO?s The Sex Inspectors. "I expected it to do well," he said, "but not like this. We've barely started promoting it."

Drawing from dozens of peer-reviewed studies, Attract Hotter Guys shows gay men the gestures, postures and expressions more likely to attract the kind of men they want to date. "If you're sick and tired of going out to the bars and never meeting the kind of guys you're interested in," said Alvear, "I guarantee it's because your body language is all wrong."

In fact, some research supports Alvear's assertion that "half the guys you like are turned off by your body language." Bu't Alvear was particularly struck by studies showing that 95% of people can't pick out the back of their hands in a photo line-up. "If we're that unaware of our bodies in a controlled setting," he said, "Imagine how unaware we are of the negative body language we use at bars and parties." As a result, Alvear developed a body language awareness technique called "Freeze!" to help readers become aware of what they're doing with their bodies when they're around men they're attracted to.

"This book is for guys who want new ways of meeting better-looking men," said Alvear. "It isn't conceptual--it's a how-to guide that shows you what specific body language helps you get noticed, makes you more approachable, helps you make better approaches, turns introductions into attractions and creates instant rapport."

What exactly is a bear?

2011-08-05T16:38:00.000-07:00

Most simply a 'bear' in the gay community is a MAN who likes MEN -- he looks like a man, he acts like a man and he wants to be with men -- socially and otherwise. It isn't a term you can define quickly though.

Based on physical characteristics alone, say, 'A bear is any big, hairy, gay, guy.' But this is an oversimplification that doesn't stand up to close examination. Even in the wild, not all bears are big, and not all big, hairy animals are bears. We all know men who are slender and relatively smooth of face and body who nevertheless embody the soul of a bear, and whom we am proud to consider brother bears.

Being a bear, then, is more dependent upon internal characteristics than external. The essence of "bearness" resides in the heart, the mind, and the soul, NOT in the body. This is precisely why our club never tried to limit membership to those whose bodies fit some stereotype. A big heart is essential. A big, hairy body is not.

Once you recognize this concept, and concentrate on the mental and spiritual attributes, the attempt to define what makes a bear becomes much easier. We submit that a bear is:

Honest and open, disdainful of hypocrisy and deceit.

Loyal to his friends, and fierce to his enemies.

Secure enough to laugh at himself.

Caring enough to cry for others.

On the other hand...

Those with bulky and furry bodies, but who are shallow and mean inside are NOT bears.

Those who are so insecure that they can only try and make themselves look good by trying to make others look bad are NOT bears.

Those with small minds, hard hearts, and twisted souls are NOT bears.

WHAT ABOUT THOSE OTHER GAY ANIMALS?

Ya making reference to Otters and Wolves?? It's all just ways to try and classify guys who just are not the typical gay scene camp followers -- A Bear by any other name is still a Bear! Otters -- those are the slim, trim but manly ones that you just know can frolic in the river and toss a bear or two on their asses. Wolves -- now there's a class of men who are just naturally aggressive when in pursuit of other forest dwellers. You know one when he gets his hands on ya -- and ain't it fun. Regardless of how classified, you'll find Bears, Otters and Wolves all cry WOOOOF!! when they spot a tasty morsel.

HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M A 'BEAR'?

There are a number of quite easy tests you can apply to check your 'beary-ness':

If you've been told you're too straight to be gay -- you might be a bear.

If you pre-fur some facial hair (yours and/or his) when you suck face --- you might be a bear.

If you dig Dolly 'cause she sings pretty and don't notice her shape --- you might be a bear.

If shaving is more likely to involve pubic vs. facial hair -- you might be a bear.

If you'd rather go to the auto show instead of the ballet -- you might be a bear.

If when you and your buddy go camping you pack only one sleeping bag -- you might be a bear.

If you're a meat and potatoes guy and hate quiche -- you might be a bear.

If you'd rather line dance than 'shake your booty' -- you might be a bear.

If you know what your mechanic is talking about -- you might be a bear.

If when someone says "Mary" you look around for the woman in the crowd -- you might be a bear.

If getting ready for a date on Saturday night means a shower and a fresh pair of jeans -- you might be a bear.

If you find yourself more interested in the faculty than the students of your local community college -- you might be a bear.

If you read (??) 'Men' and sometimes think even those guys are too young or too smooth -- you might be a bear.

If a guy smelling of honest sweat makes you light headed -- you might be a bear.

If you've fixed something around the house in the last month -- you might be a bear.

If you prefer lounging in your underwear and don't own a smoking jacket -- you might be a bear.

If you think pilsner glasses are for sissies and drink right from the can -- you might be a bear.

WHAT DOES A BEAR WEAR?

Bears wear -- cowboy hats, work boots, denim and flannel, cowboy boots, chaps, 501 levis, leather jackets, t-shirts with smart-ass sayings, hard hats, business suits, cutoffs and tank tops -- but look best wearing nutting at all.

BEAR CODES -- SHORTHAND DEFINITIONS

The 'Natural Bear Classification System' has been in existence since 1989. In the words of the authors:

"Because 'Bears' mean so many things to different people, because bears come in all shapes and sizes and have different sexual proclivities, because classified ad prices are SOOOOOO expensive, we (while eating lunch at a Boulder, Colorado, Wendy's on Thanksgiving weekend, 1989) came up with this incredibly-scientific system to describe bears and bear-like men.

"Since we both have interests in astronomy, we are well-versed in star and galaxy classification systems, which use prototypes to set the standards for describing things. Rather than just saying something is of "Type I" or "Type II" (etc.), it is better to use natural features to describe an object, in particular as a continuum of a range of features. Such is the case with bears."

You can check the system and even automatically generate your own personal Bear Code at the NBCS home over at 'Resources for Bears'.

Now with the Bear Classification System you can know that he's the perfect "B4/5 f+ d! s m+ t r k" with a home page that roars, "Come and get me!" But what else? Is he a cigar-smoking hussy that'll drop you for a cub half your age? Or is he the perfect husbear that's just too shy to say hello?

There's just something missing from the time honored shorthand definition of a bear. Let's face it, the code as we know it doesn't tell the whole story. So, a bear with way to much time on his hands (in the opinion of some) has offered an additional (tongue in cheek) set of Bear Personality Codes. These codes give you a good indication of such personality factors as: where does he hang out, how romantic is he, what are his cruising and courtship modes of operation, does he have age hang-ups, is he a neat-freak around the den (house), and much more.

Facebook Apologizes For Censoring Gay Kiss Photo

2011-08-05T16:21:00.000-07:00

Two men kissing: too risque for Facebook?

The social network recently removed a picture of a gay kiss for allegedly violating its terms of use, which state, "You will not post content that: is hateful, threatening, or pornographic; incites violence; or contains nudity or graphic or gratuitous violence."

The photo in question (see it here) accompanied a Facebook page calling for a "kiss-in" protest for an incident at a pub, where a gay couple was ousted for kissing (the landlady deemed the act "obscene").

Facebook has since re-instated the page, and apologized for the error in a statement.

"The photo in question does not violate our Statement of Rights and Responsibilities and was removed in error," the statement read.

The removed picture, a promo pic from the soap opera Eastenders, contained no nudity or graphic sexuality, but the event has sparked outrage from users wondering why a photo of two fully clothed men engaging in a kiss would be flagged. Already, Facebook pages have been set up where users have flooded the feed with more pictures of same-sex kisses. A gay kiss-in to protest the act has also been organized.

Especially curious is the fact that Facebook does not remove every picture flagged as inappropriate. According to them, a "Facebook administrator looks into each report thoroughly in order to decide the appropriate course of action. If no violation of our Statement of Rights and Responsibilities has occurred, then no action will be taken," suggesting that a person, not a program, may have removed the picture.

"Facebook has said that it was a mistake to remove the picture," reads a post from the event protesting the removal. "Mistake or malicious, it shouldn't have happened. Many people have been affected."

Facebook also ran into trouble when they recently removed a photo of the 1866 painting "The Origin of the World" by Gustave Courbet, which is a representation of female genitalia, and deleted the user's account. The man is now suing the site for causing him to miss messages on the eve of his birthday. Facebook previously removed the same painting, and deactivated the accounts, of two other users: a Danish artist whose profile was reinstated on the condition that he post no more nudes, and a French writer who changed his profile picture to the painting in support.

How Do Deal with Your Partner's Ex?

2011-08-01T20:22:00.000-07:00

LGBT dating relationships, as with any relationships, are complicated in the beginning. Add a crazy ex to the mix and things can really get challenging! In gay and lesbian romantic relationships, a former partner can make your new dating relationship a complicated one. Past flames can either make you grow closer as a couple or truly upset the balance of your connection as a unit. A few tips can help you and your partner be happy, avoid the drama an ex partner can bring to your new relationship, and really fire up your chemistry!

Here are three tips for dealing with your partner’s ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend:

Let your partner know how you feel about the ex-girlfried hanging around you guys when you go out as a couple. If you are uncomfortable having her around, let your girlfriend know. Many times, if you do not say something, your girlfriend will think that you are ok with it. Chances are if you voice your feelings to your girlfriend, she will listen to you and take them into consideration. If she does not want to hear you out, that may be a red flag in and of itself!

Set clear boundaries as a couple. If you are clear as to what you will tolerate from others, including ex partners, you will be happier in the long-run. This idea can be compared to teaching a child what it means to behave well. If you let the child slide when they are testing your limits, they will not take you seriously. The same holds true for an ex. If you and your partner let him or her get away with invading your personal time as a couple early on in your dating relationship, they will continue to do so for as long as they like.

Ask your boyfriend what he wants. If your partner wants their ex in their life, there may be a good reason. Be prepared for the answer. Some people hold their partners in their life for fear of losing the friendship or connection altogether. In the LGBT community, and gay dating, many gay and lesbian men and women choose to hold on to past friends because the community is sometimes not a large on in their immediate neighborhood. Others continue communication with an ex in the hopes that something might happen down the line. If your partner is having trouble letting them go, or they are ok with their ex barging in on your dates or personal time, consider confronting them on these behaviors if they bother you. The earlier you discuss behaviors that bother you in your dating relationship, the easier things will be down the line.

Am I Undateable?

2011-07-30T16:48:00.000-07:00

Many gay men seem to share this issue. Here is one man's take.

Is he overreacting? Or is there truth to this common dilemma among some gay men? Give us your take: blog@gayquation.com or post a comment.

Mythbusting Bisexual Men

2011-07-30T11:03:00.000-07:00

“You’re either gay, straight, or lying.”

I first heard that oft-repeated phrase when I was an 18-year-old freshman at UC Berkeley. I was at my first meeting of the GLBA (Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Alliance). I’d recently broken up with a girlfriend, and had been dating (and sleeping with) both men and women; I was ready to “come out” as bi and to get involved in campus activism. But as I quickly found out, though there were equal numbers of gay men and lesbians in the group, the only bisexuals were women. And while many of those women faced a certain amount of “bi-phobia,” at least the GLBA acknowledged their existence.

Bisexual men, I was told, didn’t exist: we were either cowards or liars, too scared or too dishonest to admit we were really gay.

The stereotype of the man who pressures his girlfriend to have a threesome with another woman is justly famous, but I can attest that the reverse is not as rare as might be imagined.

This belief that bi men are the unicorns of the sexuality spectrum remains tenacious. A widely cited 2005 study found no evidence that men could be sexually attracted to both genders. (The study involved showing both gay and straight porn to a group of men who identified as bi. Seventy-five percent of the men in the study were physiologically aroused only by the gay erotica—and the other 25 percent only by the hetero stuff. No one was equally turned on by both.)

One of the corollaries to this dismissiveness of the possibility of male bisexuality is what I call the “sexual one-drop rule.” The original one-drop rule, developed in the Jim Crow era, declared that anyone who had as much as a drop of “Negro blood” was to be considered “colored.” To be white, one had to be free from any African ancestry. The sexual version is similar: It declares that any man who has any sexual attraction to other men is gay. Women can have complex and fluid desires, but men live by a strict dichotomy. You either are or you aren’t, and if you’ve ever wanted to #&@$% a man (or acted on that want), then you’re gay. End of story.

I ran into the one-drop rule just a month ago. My wife and I were out to dinner with a good friend of ours, a single woman in her 40s. She was sharing her war stories from the cyber-dating world, and mentioned having met a great guy whom she really liked—until he let slip, on the third date, that he had had boyfriends as well as girlfriends in the past. “That ended that,” our friend said. “If he’s been with men, then he’s gay in my book.”

I chose the moment to share my own history of having dated both men and women. Our friend was floored. She kept looking at my wife, her eyes seemingly asking the question her lips wouldn’t speak: “How can you trust him to be faithful?” My wife just smiled her Mona Lisa smile in return.

I’ve known I was attracted to both men and women since my early teens. Long before I’d been kissed, my sexual fantasies featured both boys and girls. I remember the trepidation and excitement I’d feel changing for PE classes, desperately afraid I’d get an erection and be outed. (It never happened, thank goodness.)

I was equally eager to see naked girls—I just had much less opportunity to do so, at least in real life. At age 14, I found a porn magazine featuring a pictorial of two men and a woman, and I used that as a masturbation aid for months until the pages literally fell apart.

My introduction to sex with men came in a ménage a trois. My first teenage girlfriend, who had her own kinky streak, knew my fantasies and wanted to see me with another man. She set up a threesome with a co-worker from her job at an ice cream store. It was the most erotically memorable experience of my high school years, and is something I still think about on the rare occasions I find myself in a Baskin-Robbins. After that girlfriend and I broke up, I had sex with a series of men (and women) over the next several years.

But before I went to my first GLBA meeting, I’d figured out something about myself. While I was sexually attracted to both men and women, I found the idea of actually falling in love with a man to be preposterous. With men, I wanted hot sex and nothing else. I didn’t even enjoy kissing guys (the stubble burn was a turn-off. I had no idea how women endured that.) But I knew from experience that I could fall in love with women. On a physical level, I was drawn to both; on a romantic plane, I was straight as an arrow.

Researchers on bisexuality have often noted that those who identify as bi often have that same heart/body disconnect that I experienced. In the 1860s, the pioneering sexual rights crusader Karl Heinrich Ulrichs wrote of “conjunctive” and “disjunctive” bisexuals. The former could be sexually and romantically drawn to both genders, while the latter could fall in love with just one sex while still lusting for both. Ulrichs claimed that “disjunctives” came in both varieties (some bisexuals could fall in love with their own sex but not the other; some could fall in love with the opposite sex but not their own. But in order to “qualify” as bisexual, disjunctives needed to have physical desire for both men and women.)

Ulrichs considered both conjunctive and disjunctive bisexuality in both sexes to be a normal variation on the human condition. Though he was scorned and mocked for his enlightened views, the real tragedy may be that he wasn’t just ahead of his time—when it comes to accepting male bisexuality as authentic, he’s ahead of our time.

In more than a quarter-century of thinking, writing, and eventually teaching about male bisexuality, I’ve become convinced that the inability to accept the reality of bisexuality in men is linked to fears about fidelity. The myth that men are naturally promiscuous while women are naturally monogamous endures. So we assume that a bisexual woman can make a commitment to either a man or a woman, and that she’ll be able to stay faithful. But we already think straight men have a hard enough time remaining true—the expectation that a bisexual man will invariably cheat is high. When our friend shot my wife that look when I revealed my sexual history with men, I’m fairly sure that’s what she was thinking: He’s either lying or cheating.

But though she didn’t ask, she may have been wondering how my wife coped with the visceral reality that I have had sex with men. We live in a culture in which sex between two women is regularly eroticized while sex between two men gets labeled “disgusting.” While the most fervent declarations of revulsion at the thought of guy-on-guy sex are usually from men (especially the ones who feel pressure to prove their heterosexual bona fides), I’ve known plenty of women who liked gay and bi men perfectly well—but were repulsed by the thought of what those men actually do in bed.

In my younger, single years, I found that women had two reactions to the discovery of my bisexuality. (It wasn’t something I often announced on first dates, but I rarely kept it a secret for long.) Some women, like my first girlfriend, found the idea incredibly hot. The stereotype of the man who pressures his girlfriend to have a threesome with another woman is justly famous, but I can attest that the reverse is not as rare as might be imagined. Though only one woman went so far as to arrange a ménage a trois with another guy, there were a couple of others who loved it when I would recount erotic details to them in bed.

The second reaction was, of course, disgust. I can recall dating a grad school classmate of mine back in the early ’90s. Liz had impeccable liberal credentials (a Wellesley alumna, she’d experimented with women in her teens), but her progressive politics stopped cold at the thought of dating a man who had had sex with other men. “I’m so sorry, Hugo,” she said when she told me she was calling things off. “I’ve got no problem with gay men. But I can’t be intimate with a man who’s done what you’ve done without getting a giant image in my head of what you’ve done. And forgive me, but it’s just … gross.”

If there are two things you can’t talk people out of, it’s what gets them hot and what turns them off. Once the truth came out, I had no chance with Liz.

But in the end, the big fear so many people have about bisexuality really does revolve around the capacity to be faithful. I can’t speak for every man who has dealt with a lifetime of sexual attraction to both men and women. But I can speak from my own experience, which is that monogamy is no harder for bisexuals than it is for straight or gay folks. Even if you’re only sexually attracted to females, there’s no way your wife or girlfriend can possibly embody everything that draws you to women.

One of my exes had a beautiful voice, a soprano so breathtaking it brought tears of joy to my eyes. My beloved wife, Eira, has a thousand amazing talents, but can’t carry a tune. I’m no more likely to leave the mother of my daughter for a man than I am to leave her for a member of the L.A. Master Chorale. No partner can be everything to us. Every honest heterosexual in a monogamous relationship admits that his or her partner lacks something that others might have. It’s no different for bisexuals. Really.

Before making a lifetime commitment to someone, almost everyone—gay, straight, or bi—struggles with the realization that if everything works out as they hope, they’ll never have sex with anyone other than their partners for the rest of their lives. Lots of people find that terrifying. But that’s a general fear about the loss of possibility rather than a specific anxiety about not being able to sleep with a particular type. An engaged man might have some misgivings about fidelity, but he’s not thinking “Damn, my fiancée is a brunette. I’ll never #&@$% a natural blonde again.”

We accept that women’s sexuality is remarkably fluid. That’s a good thing, as that recognition opens up a whole world of possibility. But the flip side is the continued insistence that male sexuality is static, simple, and comes in only two distinct flavors: gay or straight.

That thinking doesn’t just sell bisexual guys short. It reinforces the toxic myth that men can never have inner lives as rich, complex, and surprising as women so evidently do.

This piece was originally published at The Good Men Project Magazine.

Same-Sex Kissing Common Among UK Male Students

2011-07-26T18:12:00.000-07:00

Forget homophobia. A new study finds that same-sex lip-locks among straight men are the norm in British universities and high schools.

The trend reflects a move toward a "nicer, softer" ideal of masculinity, study researcher Eric Anderson told LiveScience. Anderson, a sociologist at Bath University in England, reported the findings online Oct. 22 in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior.

"The mean, gruff, homophobic macho man of the 1980s is dead," Anderson said.

Based on in-depth interviews of 145 British university and high-school students, Anderson and his colleagues discovered that 89 percent had kissed a male heterosexual friend on the lips at some point. A total of 37 percent had engaged in "sustained" kissing with another man, Anderson said. The men all identified as straight, and they didn't see the kisses as sexual.

"These men have lost their homophobia," Anderson said. "They're no longer afraid to be thought gay by their behaviors, and they enjoy intimacy with their friends, just the same as women."

A recent trend

The trend toward male same-sex smooches has skyrocketed in recent years, Anderson said. It began on the professional soccer field, where players often share exuberant kisses after goals. That made kissing between men acceptable for college and high-school players, Anderson said. Then the players took the same behaviors to nights out in pubs, spreading the trend to non-athletes.

Despite stereotypes of the homophobic jock, athletes were more likely to have kissed another man than non-athletes. Slightly more than 80 percent of non-athletes had kissed a man, compared with 95 percent of athletes.

Of the guys in the study who hadn't shared a same-sex kiss, all found the practice acceptable. One student who had never kissed another lad joked with the researchers that when he told his friends about the study, they'd probably ensure that his classification changed. That night, Anderson received a text from the student reading, "I'm in the majority now."

Affection, not sex

Again contrary to stoic male stereotypes, the men in the study reported that they kissed their friends out of affection. One remembered kissing a friend after a meaningful holiday trip. Others compared it to shaking hands.

"I don't want to give the impression that it's like, 'Oh, I love you, mwah,'" Anderson said. "It's like, 'John! Rawr!' More exuberance."

Even extended kisses weren't viewed as sexual, the researchers found. One student recalled kissing his male friend in order to convince two girls to kiss each other, but most of the men interviewed kissed each other for fun.

These longer kisses are often photographed and posted on Facebook and social networking sites, Anderson said. While the longer kisses often happen in the context of a night of drinking, the men aren't ashamed of the incidents and don't question their sexuality afterward. Nor are they mocking gay behavior, Anderson said. In fact, the practice has made it easier for gay men to display their affection publically.

"It's opened up the same space for gay men to kiss," he said. "Sometimes you see two men kissing and you don't know whether they're straight or gay."

Changing norms

The United Kingdom is less homophobic as a whole than the United States, Anderson said, but Americans should expect acceptance of men kissing on our shores soon enough. Research on American college soccer players suggests that 20 percent of those men have kissed another man, which is a harbinger of the trend, Anderson said.

It's not yet known how the trend of men kissing extends to non-university segments of the British population. Anderson plans to extend the research to minority men and low-income men who aren't in college.

Growing acceptance of same-sex kissing doesn't mean that homophobia is gone, just that masculine ideals are changing, Anderson said. His theory, put forth in his book, "Inclusive Masculinity: The Changing Nature of Masculinities" (Routledge, 2009), is that in times of homophobia, men police their behavior to avoid being seen as gay. When homophobia fades, men can relax and explore behaviors that don't jibe with the traditional masculine ideal.

Airing Gay Politics

2011-07-26T17:39:00.000-07:00

In 2006, one of my Top 10 favorite television series of all time debuted on ABC. The series, "Brothers & Sisters," continued this past year, its fifth season, and follows the lives of the Walker family residing in Pasadena, Calif. It's your above-average drama about a complex modern American family including the overbearing widowed mother, a family business gone bad, gay son who marries under California's brief legality of same-sex matrimonies, politically active daughter and recovering drug-addict war veteran son.

The gay son character is Kevin Walker, played by Matthew Rhys, and clearly creates a monumental role for LGBT equality. He's one of the first gay main characters to appear on a TV show that isn't treated differently when it comes to intimacy and sexual conversations or situations from his straight counterparts. You get all of Kevin, the good and the bad, just as you would with any of the straight characters. Many have hailed the lack of backlash from advertisers and the viewing public as a major shift in public opinion. However, the most interesting thing about the Kevin character lies at the heart of the family's political views. Let me first say that I got way behind, to say the least, on my "Brothers & Sisters" viewing and thanks to Netflix's instant feature I've spent the last several weeks catching up and reviewing Seasons 1-3. Kevin is, for all intents and purposes, a successful lawyer who has a stint as his Republican Senator/brother-in-law's communications director. The gay Democrat working with a progressive, but still conservative Republican creates an interesting dynamic in this already drama-filled show.

Then, last week back in the real world, news broke that a man by the name of Fred Karger has his eyes on the White House. In what seems like a made-for-television scenario, Karger, an openly gay Republican, seems to have the most-advanced 2012 Presidential exploratory committee to date. When he officially declares to run, he'll not only be the first gay Republican presidential candidate but also the first such candidate from any political party in U.S. history. He's not only got a good head start over his proposed competitors of Jeb Bush, Mitt Romney, Sarah Palin and Mike Huckabee, his credentials aren't too bad either. He's spent much of his life working as a key strategist for the party and he's already out there working in Iowa and New Hampshire, key states in the nomination process.

All of this got me thinking about politics and social utopianism where LGBT people and their heterosexual counterparts - Democrats and Republicans - could all work together creating the courtship only imagined in TV script rooms.

First off, let's look at the ultimate in utopian thinking - socialism. According to Joshua Muravchik, author of "Heaven on Earth, The Rise and Fall of Socialism," "150 years after the term 'socialism' was coined by followers of Robert Owen in the late 1820s, roughly 60 percent of the earth's population found itself living under socialist rule of one kind or another." Although many of those governments have since fallen, socialism was arguably the most popular idea of any kind, surpassing the great religions. In theory, the idea is just short of perfection - a society where everyone is equal and the good of many is more important than the good of one. However, human nature always plays a part and has caused socialism to always take a wrong turn. The ruling class never wants to give up power and in true socialist society there is no true power, except that of the people - cue John Lennon.

When you look at modern day politics its even more difficult. The Republican Party, which often seems to be influenced by right-wing Christian literalists, warn of a Democratic Party which is edging closer and closer to a ultra-left wing socialist ideals. The interesting thing about this argument is that if you look at true socialist beliefs they actually fall more in line with traditional Christian teachings than any other movement.

In addition, you have parties that can't seem to hold either one of their affiliates attention for more than a year or so and see followers jumping ship left and right. Republicans are reaching out to the middle to help rebuild the party, yet remain so stringent on many social issues. The idea of a gay Republican president seems almost absurd when, in reality, it's probably the most likely scenario for any gay candidate to actually reach electability in modern day politics - it's the next big thing.

There's definitely a shift in politics with the Tea Party's rise and a return to socialist ideals all in the mix. Ideas that popped up in communes are now showing up in our local marketplace and neighborhoods, such as community organic gardening and "freecycling" - a movement that aims to divert re-usable goods from landfills. Yet, hate groups seem to continue to be on the rise and religion hasn't seen such conflict within its ranks since the Thirty Years War. Maybe its time for a revolution - a return to the utopia once imagined, but never realized.

"Say we want a revolution/We better get on right away/Well you get on your feet/And on the street/Oh well, power to the people/Power to the people, right on." - "Power to the People," John Lennon and The Plastic Ono Band

By Chris Rudisill - For Weekly Surge

From City Hall to Niagara Falls, NY gays to marry

2011-07-23T10:30:00.000-07:00

Gay and lesbian couples across New York are gearing up to become bride and bride or groom and groom starting at a minute after midnight on Sunday, when a law making New York the sixth U.S. state to allow such marriages comes into effect.

The expected rush of weddings across New York state has sent marriage bureaus scrambling for staff to officiate and judges to approve the marriages.

New York City plans to open its marriage bureaus in all five boroughs on Sunday. Expecting lines around the block, city officials initially set a lottery capping the number of marriages to 764 couples, but later decided to accept all 823 applicants, gay and straight alike.

In preparation for the crush of media and spectators, police on Friday installed barricades near the Manhattan marriage bureau, which is set to wed 459 couples on Sunday.

Asked if the lines would discourage people, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg said not to worry, despite the sweltering heat wave engulfing the city and much of the region.

"It's going to be hot and it's going to be a lot of fun, and you joke about the lines," Bloomberg said on a radio show.

Bloomberg, who had pushed for the same-sex marriage law, is set to marry two men who belong to his City Hall inner circle at a ceremony at Gracie Mansion, the mayor's official residence, on Sunday evening.

"It'll be a nice ceremony ... there will be some drinks," Bloomberg said.

Kitty Lambert and Cheryl Rudd, from Buffalo, New York, are set to be married as soon as the clock strikes 12:01 on Sunday morning at the base of Niagara Falls, used by generations of Americans as a honeymoon destination.

They said their marriage represents a major step for gay rights in the United States.

"This is an amazing moment," Lambert said. "We're achieving that real American Dream to be treated like everybody else and be protected under all those laws."

She and Rudd, who share five grown children from previous marriages before coming out as gay, will mark the occasion by lighting the world-renowned water cascade with rainbow-colored lights, the colors of which are a symbol of gay pride.

On Monday, 42 other gay couples plan to say "I do" together during a joint ceremony at Niagara Falls.

Civil liberties activists in New York say the state's legalization of same-sex marriage sends a message to the U.S. Congress that it must repeal a federal law defining marriage as between a man and a woman.

The Defense of Marriage Act was signed into law in 1996 by then-Democratic President Bill Clinton. U.S. President Barack Obama has said he would support a bill meant to repeal the law.

The law prohibits same-sex couples from receiving marriage-based federal benefits such as Social Security survivor benefits, health benefits and the right to file taxes jointly.

A Good (Gay) Man is Hard to Find

2011-07-17T20:11:00.000-07:00

My friend, Barbara, recently said to me, “Gary, you are good-looking, smart and funny. You need a good man.”

My initial reaction was something like, “Yeah, tell me about it!” But later I thought, “Do I really need a man, good or otherwise?” Sure, I miss some things about being in a steady relationship. Someone to snuggle up with on the couch with a good movie, a pint of ice cream and one spoon or goof with in the rain. Someone to hold hands with on the way to the grocery store. Someone to leave love notes for in unexpected places. Some one to have hot, wild, steamy… well, you know. Do I want a good man to spend the rest of my life with? Hell yeah! But do I NEED one? Not particularly.

I’m contentedly single (most of the time). I have a wonderful circle of friends, a job I love and family that brings me joy (again, most of the time). I sometimes even, dare I say, enjoy my singlehood. Frankly, the cynic in me thinks Prince Charming and Mr. Right ran into each other on the way to my house one day and are now off living the good life together.

I’ve been told I’m too picky, but someone once told me, “Don’t settle for the one you can live with; wait for the one you can’t live without.” That advice has saved me from some poor choices when it comes to men. Maybe not every time, but mostly. I’m too old to play the mating game for something temporary. If there’s not forever potential, it’s just not worth the trouble.

Physically, I have been attracted a variety of “types” over the years, so I don’t really have a “type.” There was my first love, the beefy rednecky frat boy who was so deep in the closet he was behind the wallpaper, (as was I, so it worked); the lanky psuedo-jock who took me fishing on Kentucky Lake, and to a nice secluded cove; the scrawny, yet passionate, Radical Faerie who didn’t want a relationship…until he met someone else two months after our last date. I also lost my heart to a cubbish college boy 13 years my junior during my mid-30s. I even tried my luck with a Yankee. I know…what was a good li’l Southern boy like me thinkin’? But he was cute… and did I mention he owned a harness?

A couple of years ago, there was the rock n roll bad boy. All my Bon Jovi fantasies come to life. This was after I got the advice I mentioned above, but in my defense, he was a smooth talker who knew just what to say to get what he wanted, and yes that’s all he really he wanted. But I believed him, because I wanted those things to be true. Really, I knew I was just convenient ‘til something “better” came along, but I kept hanging on (because the sex was that good. Don’t judge; we’ve all been there.)

So, this ain’t my first time at this rodeo. I just know what I want and I know I deserve it. I simply won’t settle. Don’t get me wrong. I am not some idealistic sap who is waiting for some unrealistic relationship that can never materialize. My expectations are not unreasonable. I don’t want perfect; I just want real. Someone who is honest with me, even when it might hurt. Someone who makes me laugh at least once a day. Someone who, even when we fight (and we will), will stick around to see it through, not run for the hills at the first sign of trouble. Someone who will introduce me to new things and be willing to let me introduce him to a few, as well. And he has to be a good kisser; a bad one ruins everything else.

I’ve seen way too many guys settle for “safe” relationships that didn’t really make them happy, just to have someone next to them at the end of the night. I’ve witnessed a friend move several states away, leaving everything behind, to escape an abusive relationship with what everyone thought was a great guy. I know plenty of men who cheat on those they profess to love because they aren’t getting everything they need from “the one they love.” None of those things interest me, so maybe I am better off single… at least for now.

He’s out there…probably right under my nose. But if any of you know an educated, yet goofy, Southern man who loves his family (and will put up with mine) and knows how to plant nice passionate kiss on a man, give him my email, will ya?

By Gary Gregory

Michael Irvin champions equality

2011-07-12T13:56:00.000-07:00

Former Dallas Cowboys great Michael Irvin appears shirtless on the cover of this month's gay men's magazine Out and discusses his passion for equality issues.

Michael Irvin appears on the latest cover of Out Magazine. He tells the publication that he would support any athlete who comes out.

Irvin publicly acknowledges that the impetus for taking a stand comes from his relationship with his gay brother, Vaughn, who died of stomach cancer in 2006. Irvin had not spoken publicly about his brother previously, according to the magazine.

In the article, Irvin describes how his brother's sexual orientation contributed to his own issues.

He says that he found out his brother was gay in the late 1970s, when he found Vaughn wearing women's clothing. Michael Irvin was rattled by the experience and has figured out since that it contributed to his own womanizing behavior. Working with a Dallas area bishop, T.D. Jakes, Irvin looked at the past.

"And through it all we realized maybe some of the issues I've had with so many women, just bringing women around so everybody can see, maybe that's the residual of the fear I had that if my brother is wearing ladies' clothes, am I going to be doing that? Is it genetic?" Irvin said to Out. "I'm certainly not making excuses for my bad decisions. But I had to dive inside of me to find out why am I making these decisions, and that came up."

Irvin says that his father, Walter, helped him learn a tolerant form of Christianity because the elder Irvin accepted his gay son and encouraged him to love his brother unconditionally.

Irvin now believes the African-American community should support marriage equality.

"I don't see how any African-American, with any inkling of history, can say that you don't have the right to live your life how you want to live your life," he said, according to the magazine. "No one should be telling you who you should love, no one should be telling you who you should be spending the rest of your life with. When we start talking about equality, and everybody being treated equally, I don't want to know an African-American who will say everybody doesn't deserve equality."

The Hall of Fame wide receiver believes that this work matters more than his football career.

"The last thing I want is to go to God and have him ask, 'What did you do?' And I talk about winning Super Bowls and national titles," Irvin said, according to Out. "I didn't do anything to make it a better world before I left? All I got is Super Bowls? That would be scary."

Irvin would support any athlete who wants to come out.

"If anyone comes out in those top four major sports, I will absolutely support him. ... When a guy steps up and says, 'This is who I am,' I guarantee you I'll give him 100 percent support," Irvin said.

And if the player produced on the field, he would have supported a gay teammate as well. Winning was paramount.

"I believe, if a teammate had said he's gay, we would have integrated him and kept moving because of the closeness," Irvin said, according to the magazine.

He believes the team that won three Super Bowls could have integrated an openly gay teammate as well as any team.

"We had a bunch of different characters on that team," Irvin said. "Deion [Sanders] and Emmitt [Smith]. I believe that team would have handled it well."

Tantric Role Playing

2011-07-12T13:13:00.000-07:00

Although I will refer to relationships as either a top, bottom, versatile, or Yab-Yum; they represent, behaviors in gay, bisexual and straight relationships. Role playing that includes sex can be considered Red Tantra. Authentic Tantra is about sharing sexual energy with another person for the sole purpose of balancing each others' Chakras. Kundalini energy uniquely moves from the feminine and masculine properties within all of us. Each of our personalities is polarized between the forces of Yin (feminine) and Yang (masculine). Sexual appetites are mostly dependent on our karmic destiny and life's experiences. People can be truly amazing, multifaceted, and intricate beings.

Here are the primary roles that people can play:

• Top - This role is usually the more domineering and controlling one. Certainly, pleasure giving is a wonderful and generous act. The assurance of expressing one's desires by directing your partner is empowering. A man, women, and transgender can equally play this role, especially with an added strap-on dildo. The power of direction, manipulation, and regulation offers safety and familiarity to the top like role playing person.

• Bottom - This role is passive and sometimes submissive on the overt behavioral response, yet on the inside there is aliveness and plenty of internal pleasurable activity going on, as in orgasmic response. The bottom (Yin) finds pleasure in surrendering to the top (Yang). If one wants to personally orgasm, then one has to connect with their own body. This is what I teach you how to do with Tantric tools. Many upper management and professional people have trouble letting go of control and playing the bottom role, because of the nature of being in command all the time.

• Versatile - A versatile person enjoys a shared dominance in relationships. They are comfortable being either the dominant partner (giver role) or passive partner (receiver role). During Tantra, the versatile person can enjoy exchanging roles by being either a top or bottom in their role playing. I have found that bisexual and metrosexual men especially play different roles based on the gender of their partner. Many married men come to see me for further exploration into this subject of play.

• Yab-Yum - In a yogic relationship, the perfect yogic union is when both partners are able to bring each others Kundalini energy up and down the spine, stimulating and/or relaxing the individual Chakras based on one's preferences. The Yab-Yum posture is done in a sitting position with the domineering partner on top and the submissive one on the bottom. This relationship leads to enlightenment and spiritual bliss, and the most powerful orgasmic loving bond you will probably ever experience in your life. Yab-Yum is done usually between a man and woman, yet two men or two women with proper training (Gay Tantra) can also do it.

Gay men more likely to have cancer; Does HIV play a role?

2011-07-12T12:33:00.001-07:00

Cancer is always bad news, but a new study suggests homosexuals may struggle more than the rest.

Researchers at the Boston University School of Public Health found that gay men were 1.9 times more likely to report a cancer diagnosis than their straight counterparts. And lesbian and bisexual female cancer survivors were twice as likely to report fair or poor health compared to straight women. That comes from analysis of more than 120,000 people in a California health survey.

The strange findings left study authors with more questions than answers. Are gay men more likely to get cancer or more likely to survive? What about human immunodeficiency virus (HIV), which is more prevalent amongst gay men? Study author Dr. Ulrike Boehmer told Reuters that HIV may be leading to an increased cancer risk in gay men, but the research did not specifically address the question. Higher rates of anal cancer amongst gay men might also be to blame.

Boehmer said what is clear is that more research is needed and the gay, lesbian and bi populations may need more help.

"Because more gay men report as cancer survivors, we need foremost programs for gay men that focus on primary cancer prevention and early cancer detection," Boehmer said in a statement. "Because more lesbian and bisexual women than heterosexual women with cancer report that they are in poor health, we need foremost programs and services that improve the well-being of lesbian and bisexual cancer survivors,"

The study was published in the journal Cancer.

On Boardwalk, Faded Casino Decides to Fly Rainbow Flag

2011-07-08T21:24:00.000-07:00

At the Resorts Casino Hotel, the somewhat faded Boardwalk grande dame that became this city’s first casino in 1978 after New Jersey legalized the business, you can find slots and blackjack, concert posters featuring performers like Paul Anka and Wayne Newton, the de rigueur all-you-can-eat buffet and the other familiar diversions of Casinoland.

But there is also a rainbow flag flying above the entryway. There is Prohibition, a new nightclub that is believed to be the first full-time gay bar at any big American casino. Across the hall is a female impersonators’ show. On the hotel’s Web site, a menu tab reads “LGBT.”

Casinos have always promised a walk on the wild side, and Atlantic City’s raffish history includes rich, largely forgotten, gay chapters. So the most surprising thing about Resorts’ new turn may be that it didn’t happen sooner.

Still, the opening of Prohibition in May was a sign that just as the city has courted various markets over the years — Asians, families and others — it is now reaching out to gay customers as a way to cope with too much competition and too few gamblers.

“I feel like I’m doing something that needs to be done, but it’s perfect because the right thing to do is the lucrative thing to do, too,” said Dennis C. Gomes, who in December became co-owner and chief executive of the faltering casino, which he says lost $20 million last year.

So far the new club has been a big hit, drawing local customers and visitors from New York, Philadelphia and Washington.

“As a gay person, the places you could go to were almost creepy, not chic at all,” said Francois Dagenais of Montreal, a singer and dancer who has appeared in Atlantic City shows for 10 years.

“We’re looking for the same thing as everyone else. We have money to spend and want to have fun. I don’t know why this didn’t happen before.”

Inside the crowded bar, capacity 400, one recent night were four giant plastic palms, red banquettes, male servers in wife-beater undershirts and black suspenders, throbbing dance music and Roaring-Twenties-meets-South-Beach décor.

People wandered in: the two New Jersey men who are no longer dating but decided to sample the club together; the gay visitors from Phoenix up for a family wedding; the man playing the drag show’s long-limbed Cher.

By contemporary standards it all seemed fairly tame. But one server, Joey Diorio, said he had taken the job less for the money than for the chance to be part of something long overdue.

He described the casino almost as New Yorkers described the legalization of gay marriage last month.

“I’ve had people talk about the rainbow flag here, and they’ll break into tears,” Mr. Diorio said. “It’s all been a long time coming.”

The push for gay customers is largely the idea of Mr. Gomes, a former casino investigator who has a reputation for turning around sagging gambling properties, and whose efforts to take on the mob in Las Vegas were immortalized in the Martin Scorsese film “Casino.”

He consulted with John J. Schultz, a former city councilman who once owned nine gay bars in Atlantic City. Then he hired Joel Ballesteros, who was active in the local gay community, as “director of LGBT marketing.”

The idea, part of the hotel’s ’20s-themed makeover, was not just that members of the gay community were a ripe market, but that they were something of a pop culture signifier whose support would also pull in a younger, hipper audience than Resorts had been attracting.

The casino industry has not been oblivious to gay customers. Mindful of figures showing that gay and lesbian travelers spend $64.5 billion annually in the United States, Las Vegas hotels for years have had weekly gay-oriented pool parties and club nights, and advertising directly addressed to gay travelers. A popular club, Krave, has become a magnet for gay visitors but is not inside a casino.

Atlantic City casinos, including Harrah’s, Caesars, Bally’s and the Showboat Casino Hotel, have held “Out in Atlantic City” weekends in recent years, and the Trump Taj Mahal has hosted “gay bingo” nights.

Mr. Schultz and his partner, Gary Hill, each year present a drag queen Miss’d America pageant, evoking the long-gone original. Still, most of the wooing by Atlantic City casinos has been sporadic and sotto voce, perhaps out of fear of turning off customers who are not gay.

In many casino markets, that may still be an issue. But some experts say that Atlantic City has particular potential for gay patrons because of its beach scene, period architecture, louche history, access to urban communities from New York to Washington and even the campy resonance of the Miss America Pageant.

“My guess is you can take the Atlantic City brand and help modernize it,” said Howard Buford, president of Prime Access, a marketing firm specializing in Hispanic, African-American and gay consumers. “It’s a place that’s ripe for rediscovery.”

Atlantic City has a long gay history. As early as the 1920s, Louisa Mack was running the city’s first gay-tolerant bar off the Boardwalk. Soon, New York Avenue became an excitable strip of smoky bars, with prostitutes frequenting some and gay couples and cross-dressers in others.

A crackdown in the 1960s led to a landmark case in which Val’s, a New York Avenue bar, fought off state efforts to close it on the ground that it was frequented by homosexuals. The 1967 ruling in its favor by the New Jersey Supreme Court made the bar an early, pre-Stonewall symbol of gay resistance.

By the 1970s, though traditional tourism was in steep decline here, Atlantic City’s gay scene boomed at the gay beach in front of the Claridge Hotel and popular gay gathering spots like the Entertainer’s Club, the Lark, and Grand Central Resort.

But as the economic might of the new casinos sucked life from the rest of the city, the New York Avenue scene dried up, the land more valuable for parking than for clubs.

“For a while, the Atlantic City market was 35 percent gays, 35 percent Canadians and the rest was New York,” Mr. Schultz said. “The market was here. There’s no reason it can’t come back.”

At Resorts, Mr. Gomes and Mr. Ballesteros, his marketing executive, discussed whether a gay presence would turn off a general audience. They agreed that in Atlantic City at least, that train had left the station.

Instead, a bigger problem might be the opposite. At the drag show one recent night, the delighted audience was mostly heterosexual couples, average age hovering around 55.

“It’s been great so far,” Mr. Diorio, the server, said. “But we did have one customer who came in, took a look around and said, ‘There went our gay bar.’ ”

I Married A Gay Man

2011-07-08T11:04:00.000-07:00

Here is an interesting letter written a few years ago. I thought I would share this with you because many men still struggle with this issue every single day of their lives. This comes from the woman's perspective.

It took me years to figure out my picture-perfect marriage was a sham. But when I did, I joined millions of other women who have faced a heartbreaking deception and recovered from it.

"You have chlamydia," my obstetrician told me as I lay on the examining table, six months pregnant with my fourth child. "You've got to talk to your husband." I was in total disbelief. "This is impossible," I protested. "We're both monogamous." But of course I knew that wasn't really true, and the doctor's words forced me to finally acknowledge what I'd suspected for a long time: My husband was most likely gay.

When I confronted my husband, Chris (not his real name), with my test results that night, he denied he was to blame. "They've got to be wrong, or I must have picked up something in the gym," he insisted. "I haven't done anything wrong." Instead of arguing about how I felt or figuring out how I wanted to handle the larger issue, I focused on what I needed at that moment—to take medicine and get healthy—much as I had throughout our rocky marriage. It took a few more days of wrenching confrontation for our marriage to disintegrate. When Chris spoke to a health official who called to check on me (my case had been reported to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta), he realized our baby was at risk for premature birth and newborn pneumonia, and he became hysterical, as though he were having a nervous breakdown.

That evening, after we'd watched our three children play on the lawn of our home in the Washington, D.C., suburbs, he curled into a fetal position on a porch chair and admitted more than I ever wanted to know: He had been having anonymous sex with men. "I don't know how this could have happened," he stammered. "It's nobody that I knew…it was mostly oral sex…it just happened… At gay bars, there are back rooms with holes in the walls…" A wave of nausea swept over me as I listened to his agonized confession. But I kept quiet and thought, I've held up as long as I could. And I am done. With. You.

I was 30 years old when this happened, and Chris and I had been married for 11 years. We looked like the perfect family in our Christmas card portrait. Both of us grew up in the small-town South, and Chris was in the military. Yet I finally understood that our entire married life, except for our children, whom we both loved completely, was built on a falsehood. At that moment, I felt as if I were standing alone in the world, stripped of all dignity, with a big sign on me that read idiot.

The movie Brokeback Mountain turned a spotlight on gay men who lead double lives, having sex with other men while they are married to women. But that film only scratched the surface of their wives' miserable experience. When I saw the movie, I started to cry as I watched Ennis, the young cowboy played by Heath Ledger, wed his sweetheart even though he'd been involved with another man. I wanted to scream: "It is such a lie! Don't do it!" My mind flashed back to my own wedding day, when I was the virgin bride standing before family, friends and a minister. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

Read the whole piece here: http://www.self.com/health/2008/01/i-married-a-gay-man

Married Gay Men Support Group

2011-07-08T10:55:00.000-07:00

Here is a great support group for men who are or have been involved in a heterosexual relationship, and who are coming to terms with their sexual attraction to other men: http://www.gay-married.org/

GAMMA is a peer support group for men who:

- Identify themselves as gay or bisexual or are simply attracted to men, and

- Are now or have been in a relationship with a woman, or are contemplating such a relationship.

- Some members are in satisfying, conventional marriages, some in less happy ones. Some are separated or divorced, some have lovers. Some have never had a sexual experience with a man and some have worked out unique living arrangements.

- Some have had free and open discussions with their spouses and children. Others have never spoken to anyone about their feelings.

All are welcome and should find among us others who share their experience. GAMMA has no official party line. It neither encourages nor discourages its members from relationships with their wives or other women. Rather, it seeks to assist each man to find his own best road to travel in life. Much of this is accomplished through open, candid, and sympathetic sharing of thoughts, experiences and feelings.

How to overcome fears of dating a person with HIV

2011-07-05T12:33:00.000-07:00

There is actually NOTHING to fear when daing a person with HIV. You will understand why when you know about the HIV virus and how it can and cannot be transmitted.

Under normal circumstances, what goes on during a date CANNOT possibly cause you to be affected by the virus. By this, I mean that it is completely safe to hold the person's hands, sit and walk beside him/her, and even hug and embrace him/her. It is also completely safe for you to share food and drinks, and eating utensils.

The important thing is to overcome your mental block and put aside any conscious or unconscious stigma that you may have of people living with HIV. Treat your date like any other normal person, and try not to pre-judge him/her for being HIV positive. Not everyone who has HIV is sexually promiscuous or leads an immoral lifestyle. The virus could have been transmitted through other sources or unfortunate events, such as transfusion of contaminated blood. You can broach the subject when on the date, but do be sensitive and understanding in your approach.

If both of you are at the stage of relationship where you decide to be physically intimate, then being fully aware of safer sex practices will protect you from being infected by the HIV virus. One option is to refrain from penetrative sexual intercourse, and limit contacts to kissing, caressing, touching and mutual masturbation. However, if there is sexual penetration - whether oral, vaginal or anal, do protect yourself and minimize the likelihood of transmission of the HIV virus through the proper usage of condoms and lubricants. That includes checking for the expiry date of the condoms, proper handling and tearing of the packaging, as well as the correct method of wearing the condoms with an air reservoir at the tip. Generous and regular application of water-based lubricants will also reduce friction during sexual intercourse, thus minimizing the possibility of condom tear and breakage.

The bottom line is that when safer sex is practiced, there will be very little possibility of the HIV virus in the person's bodily fluids (such as vaginal fluid, semen and blood) to enter your system.

Knowing the facts and truths about the HIV virus and how you can protect yourself from being infected will definitely help you to have a meaningful and healthy relationship with your date.

by K. Lee

Got Love?

2011-07-05T12:30:00.000-07:00

Gay Cruises: Mix Vacation With Chance at Love

2011-06-28T12:07:00.000-07:00

Cruise vacations appeal to many different people, and gay cruises are rapidly gaining popularity as an opportunity for gay travelers to relax and unwind in a fun, welcoming atmosphere. Gay group cruises can be significantly different than standard voyages, however, and interested individuals should study the market prior to embarking on one.

Why Not Mainstream Voyages?

Many people question why gay individuals would need a group cruise rather than simply joining a mainstream vessel without drawing attention to their social and sexual preferences. Indeed, many gay people do cruise on standard voyages without special treatment, either because they prefer to keep their preferences private, or they simple aren't interested in the gay atmosphere aboard a specialized sailing.

On the other hand, gay cruises do offer the most prominent benefit of any group cruise: the opportunity to meet and mingle with people who share your interests and beliefs. Whether it is a literature-themed cruise, an extensive family reunion, or a gay-oriented cruise, groups can request exclusive events to help their members get to know one another. Gay group cruises may also offer specialized entertainment, shore tours, or unique itineraries to meet the associated passengers' interests and make it a wonderful vacation experience.

Booking Gay Cruises

There are two types of gay voyages: those that use chartered ships and those that reserve blocks of cabins on amenable cruise lines. In either case, most arrangements are made by specialized travel agencies experienced with both group travel and the requests made by gay vacationers. The most prominent agencies that coordinate with the cruise industry are:

- Atlantis Events, Inc.

- Olivia Cruises and Resorts - This company deals primarily with lesbian-oriented travel.

- RSVP Vacations

- Friends of Dorothy Travel

- R Family Vacations - Founded by Rosie O'Donnell, this agency caters to gay families.

- Pied Piper Travel

If the agency charters an entire ship - from small vessels to large mainstream ships from popular lines - the cruise may cost significantly more than group cruises on standard vessels. With a chartered cruise, however, passengers are assured of an entire cruise of like-minded passengers, rather than one group among thousands of travelers. Specialized agencies also frequently supplement standard entertainment with guest performers favored by the gay community, making the voyage even more appropriate for the group's interests.

In general, gay group cruises - particularly complete charters - sell out quickly, and interested passengers should plan to reserve their cabin approximately six months in advance.

Gay-Friendly Cruise Lines

When arranging cruises for gay passengers, travel agencies strive to work with cruise lines known for their welcoming atmosphere and exceptional tolerance. Most mainstream lines require their crews to undergo sensitivity training, and prejudicial incidents are fairly rare. At the same time, cruise lines that cater more to families with young children such as Disney, as well as river cruise lines that host primarily older, more conservative passengers, are less likely to be willing to offer events and special consideration to gay groups.Cruise lines are termed "gay-friendly" not only for their personable atmosphere, but also for the range of activities they offer to allow passengers to mingle and the variety of ports they visit that have large gay communities. The most gay-friendly cruise lines include:

Choose the best cruise for your activities.

Princess Cruises

Carnival Cruise Line

Celebrity Cruises

Royal Caribbean Cruises

Norwegian Cruise Line

Holland America Cruise Line

Radisson Seven Seas Cruises

Seabourn Cruises

Windstar Cruises

Events and Activities

Gay cruises often include specialized cocktail parties early in the voyage for passengers to get to know one another, as well as a variety of additional activities throughout the cruise. Prominent gay entertainers may be booked for the voyage, and dance parties are frequent evening events. Shore excursions may be arranged to visit gay communities in ports of call, and onboard seminars concerning gay issues may also be offered. Friends of Dorothy parties for single gay passengers can also be arranged on non-group cruises, though it is at the cruise director's discretion.

If the cruise is simply a group on a larger, mainstream ship, gay travelers should note that straight passengers may show up at different events out of curiosity, though rarely do any negative incidents result from such encounters.

Preferred Itineraries for Gay Cruises

Like all cruise passengers, gay travelers are interested in lively, exciting ports of call, though there are several types of itineraries that call more frequently on destinations with large gay communities. Mediterranean cruises are a popular summer choice, while the most favored Caribbean destinations are Key West, Aruba, Curacao, and Martinique, making southern and eastern voyages the most popular.

No matter which ports the ship visits, gay passengers must be aware of different nations' cultural beliefs and their level of tolerance toward homosexuality. Bermuda, Grand Cayman, Jamaica, and Turkey in particular can be quite intolerant, even to the point of forbidding gay group cruises to visit. If the cruise does include these destinations on its itinerary, gay passengers should respect local customs and strive to avoid sparking negative reactions.

When Intolerance Surfaces

When intolerance does surface, passengers have several options. If a crew member is involved, the incident should be reported to the purser's desk for appropriate action (which will usually be taken swiftly, since most cruise lines pride themselves on exceptional service). If the problem involves other passengers, security or crew members should be informed. In the dining room, if the conflicts are between dining companions at the same table, passengers can request a new seating assignment. Generally, however, such incidents are rare.

Cruise vacations are about relaxing and being yourself, and gay cruises are the perfect opportunity for homosexual singles, couples, and families to enjoy the benefits and luxuries of world-class travel with a group of like-minded individuals without fear of intolerant, prejudicial behavior.

Make A Bold Move To Meet Other Gay Men

2011-06-28T12:02:00.000-07:00

The move was brilliant and carefully calculated. A man sat alone studying at the bar of a bookstore cafe. Another guy scoped him out several times while circling the magazine racks. The single studier (originally at the bar) saw an open table and proceeded to pick up his things to move. The onlooker saw this as an opportunity and moved in for the kill, like a fat rat running from the shadows on McDonald's trash day.

He slowed his pace as he approached, asking the first guy if he could help him move his things. The book nerd politely refused, but the onlooker wouldn't take no for an answer. He continued his flirtatious conversation and without offering again, moved a stack of papers to the new table for his new prospect. As the study guy sat at his new table, the onlooker delivered the papers, sat next to him and started a conversation.

Sound a bit forward? You bet it does, but this man's refusal to sit against the wall like the class nerd at a middle school dance led to an unexpected study date. What happened afterward, only these two can tell.

More often than not, we gay men leave our love lives up to fate- waiting to be approached. Take life by the magazine racks and get the man you want! The worst thing that can happen is a few rejections. And what are they compared to the potential for hot steamy love?

New York Approves Gay Marriages!

2011-06-25T11:04:00.001-07:00

After days of contentious negotiations and last-minute reversals by two Republican senators, New York became the sixth and largest state in the country to legalize gay marriage, breathing life into the national gay rights movement that had stalled over a nearly identical bill here two years ago.

Pending any court challenges, legal gay marriages can begin in New York by late July after Gov. Andrew Cuomo signed his bill into law just before midnight Friday.

At New York City's Stonewall Inn, the Greenwich Village pub that spawned the gay rights movement on a June night in 1969, Scott Redstone watched New York sign the historic same-sex marriage law with his partner of 29 years, and popped the question.

"I said, 'Will you marry me?' And he said, 'Of course!'" Redstone said he and Steven Knittweis walked home to pop open a bottle of Champagne.

New York becomes the sixth state where gay couples can wed, doubling the number of Americans living in a state with legal gay marriage.

"That's certainly going to have a ripple effect across the nation," said Ross Levi, executive director of the Empire State Pride Agenda. "It's truly a historic night for love, our families, and democracy won."

"We made a powerful statement," Cuomo said. "This state is at its finest when it is a beacon of social justice."

The leading opponent, Democratic Sen. Ruben Diaz, was given only a few minutes to state his case during the Senate debate.

"God, not Albany, settled the issue of marriage a long time ago," said Diaz, a Bronx minister. "I'm sorry you are trying to take away my right to speak," he said. "Why are you ashamed of what I have to say?"

The Catholic Bishops of New York said the law alters "radically and forever humanity's historic understanding of marriage."

"We always treat our homosexual brothers and sisters with respect, dignity and love," the bishops said Friday. "We worry that both marriage and the family will be undermined by this tragic presumption of government in passing this legislation that attempts to redefine these cornerstones of civilization."

Legal challenges of the law and political challenges aimed at the four Republicans who supported gay marriage in the 33-29 vote are expected. GOP senators endured several marathon sessions, combing through several standard but complex bills this week, before taking up the same-sex marriage bill Friday.

The bill came to the floor for a vote after an agreement was reached on more protections for religious groups that oppose gay marriage and feared discrimination lawsuits.

"State legislators should not decide society-shaping issues," said the Rev. Jason McGuire of New Yorkers for Constitutional Freedoms. He said his organization would work in next year's elections to defeat lawmakers who voted for the measure.

The big win for gay rights advocates is expected to galvanize the movement around the country after an almost identical bill was defeated here in 2009 and similar measures failed in 2010 in New Jersey and this year in Maryland and Rhode Island.

Jerry Nathan of Albany, who married his partner in Massachusetts, called the vote "an incredible culmination of so much that's been going on for so many years it doesn't seem real yet."

Ultimately, gay couples will be able to marry because of two previously undecided Republicans from upstate regions far more conservative than the New York City base of the gay rights movement.

Sen. Stephen Saland, 67, voted against a similar bill in 2009, helping kill the measure and dealing a blow to the national gay rights movement. On Friday night, gay marriage supporters wept in the Senate gallery as Saland explained how his strong, traditionally family upbringing led him to embrace legalizing gay marriage.

"While I understand that my vote will disappoint many, I also know my vote is a vote of conscience," Saland, of Poughkeepsie, said in a statement to The Associated Press before the vote. "I am doing the right thing in voting to support marriage equality."

Also voting for the bill was freshman Sen. Mark Grisanti, a Buffalo Republican who also had been undecided. Grisanti said he could not deny anyone what he called basic rights.

"I apologize to those I offend," said Grisanti, a Roman Catholic. "But I believe you can be wiser today than yesterday. I believe this state needs to provide equal rights and protections for all its residents," he said.

A huge street party erupted outside the Stonewall Inn Friday night, with celebrants waving rainbow flags and dancing after the historic vote.

Watching the festivities from across the street was Sarah Ellis, who has been in a six-year relationship with her partner, Kristen Henderson. Ellis said the measure would enable them to get married in the fall. They have twin toddlers and live in Sea Cliff on Long Island.

"We've been waiting. We considered it for a long time, crossing the borders and going to other states," said Ellis, 39. "But until the state that we live in, that we pay taxes in, and we're part of that community, has equal rights and marriage equality, we were not going to do it."

Also on Friday, the Empire State Building lit up with rainbow colors in honor of New York City's gay pride week. The lighting was previously scheduled but coincided with the law being enacted.

A gay pride parade was scheduled for Sunday.

The bill makes New York only the third state, after Vermont and New Hampshire, to legalize marriage through a legislative act and without being forced to do so by a court.

I Am Only Attracted to Gay Black Men

2011-06-20T11:17:00.000-07:00

Here's an interesting query from a viewer...

I'm a 22 year old Mexican-American gay guy. My problem regarding love/sex is this uncontrollable attraction that I have towards Black guys. I cannot be attracted to any guy if he is not Black. I don't know if this a subconscious thing or not, but I would like for this to change since I almost always meet attractive boyfriend-material non-Black men who I think would be great for a relationship. I just can't seem to get physically attracted to them.

I have tried hooking up with White guys and even though on a conversational/emotional level things can work great between us, the physical/sexual level just doesn't work out.

I want to be able to control this impulse or whatever it is, because I do not believe it is OK to be attracted to people of just one race, especially when there are a lot of culturally diverse men out there who could be perfect for me.

Dear Secretary,

The problem with your love problem is that you call it a problem. Wait, that was a little confusing so let me break it down: What makes your attraction so powerful is its ability to trump your corrupted brain. I quote a classic R. Kelly lyric, "My mind is telling me no, but my body...my body is telling me..."

Here's the thing, Papi: You talk about being attracted to African-American guys like it is, as you put it, an impulse or a condition to be controlled. Somehow you have compartmentalized certain guys (or certain races) into certain roles. You've filed away all (emphasis on "all") African-American guys as sex objects and "other" men as intellectual dating material. I'm not sure where you got that from, but men (regardless of race) are way more complex than that.

To solve your "problem" you first need to take some time to open your perceptions about diversity and race. I've heard plenty of tales of men who were physically attractive with an IQ of 12 just as I've heard of an equal amount that can recite Pi to the 13th decimal yet were clueless in bed. The interesting part about these folks is that they are of all different races. You've completely excluded the fact that there are plenty of African-American guys out there that can satisfy you both physically and emotionally. I have a feeling that you're doing this because deep down something bothers you about the fact that you are attracted to African-American men.

Your brain doesn't like the fact that you like African-American guys and thus you have convinced yourself that it's not a good thing. I'd explore your past, family, friends and all that jazz and see where this is rooted—because my brain becomes concerned when you make statements like "there are a lot of culturally diverse men out there who could be perfect for me," implying that your attraction to African-American men is not perfect. No one is perfect, Papi; and if you think that certain races can only satisfy you in certain areas you're in for a world of disappointment.

Get your head out of the racist 60's and open you mind and heart to what you're attracted to. Once you drop your own perception that you can't find intellectual and emotional stimulation from an African-American guy it will become very clear that attraction is attraction, love is love and connections cannot be reduced to categories.

UN backs gay rights for first time ever

2011-06-17T14:33:00.000-07:00

The United Nations endorsed the rights of gay, lesbian and transgender people for the first time ever Friday, passing a resolution hailed as historic by the U.S. and other backers and decried by some African and Muslim countries.

The declaration was cautiously worded, expressing "grave concern" about abuses because of sexual orientation and commissioning a global report on discrimination against gays.

But activists called it an important shift on an issue that has divided the global body for decades, and they credited the Obama administration's push for gay rights at home and abroad.

"This represents a historic moment to highlight the human rights abuses and violations that lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people face around the world based solely on who they are and whom they love," U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton said in a statement.

Following tense negotiations, members of the Geneva-based U.N. Human Rights Council narrowly voted in favor of the declaration put forward by South Africa, with 23 votes in favor and 19 against.

Backers included the U.S., the European Union, Brazil and other Latin American countries. Those against included Russia, Saudi Arabia, Nigeria and Pakistan. China, Burkina Faso and Zambia abstained, Kyrgyzstan didn't vote and Libya was suspended from the rights body earlier.

The resolution expressed "grave concern at acts of violence and discrimination, in all regions of the world, committed against individuals because of their sexual orientation and gender identity."

More important, activists said, it also established a formal U.N. process to document human rights abuses against gays, including discriminatory laws and acts of violence. According to Amnesty International, consensual same-sex relations are illegal in 76 countries worldwide, while harassment and discrimination are common in many more.

"Today's resolution breaks the silence that has been maintained for far too long," said John Fisher of the gay rights advocacy group ARC International.

The resolution calls for a panel discussion next spring with "constructive, informed and transparent dialogue on the issue of discriminatory laws and practices and acts of violence against" gays, lesbians and transgender people.

The prospect of having their laws scrutinized in this way went too far for many of the council's 47-member states.

"We are seriously concerned at the attempt to introduce to the United Nations some notions that have no legal foundation," said Zamir Akram, Pakistan's envoy to the U.N. in Geneva, speaking on behalf of the Organization of the Islamic Conference.

Nigeria claimed the proposal went against the wishes of most Africans. A diplomat from the northwest African state of Mauritania called the resolution "an attempt to replace the natural rights of a human being with an unnatural right."

Boris Dittrich of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender rights program at Human Rights

Watch said it was important for the U.S. and Western Europe to persuade South Africa to take the lead on the resolution so that other non-Western countries would be less able to claim the West was imposing its values.

At the same time, he noted that the U.N. has no enforcement mechanism to back up the resolution. "It's up to civil society to name and shame those governments that continue abuses," Dittrich said.

The Obama administration has been pushing for gay rights both domestically and internationally.

In March, the U.S. issued a nonbinding declaration in favor of gay rights that gained the support of more than 80 countries at the U.N. In addition, Congress recently repealed the ban on gays openly serving in the military, and the Obama administration said it would no longer defend the constitutionality of the U.S. law that bars federal recognition of same-sex marriage.

The vote in Geneva came at a momentous time for the gay rights debate in the U.S. Activists across the political spectrum were on edge Friday as New York legislators considered a bill that would make the state the sixth — and by far the biggest — to allow same-sex marriage.

Asked what good the U.N. resolution would do for gays and lesbians in countries that opposed the resolution, U.S. Deputy Assistant Secretary Daniel Baer said it was a signal "that there are many people in the international community who stand with them and who support them, and that change will come."

"It's a historic method of tyranny to make you feel that you are alone," he said. "One of the things that this resolution does for people everywhere, particularly LGBT people everywhere, is remind them that they are not alone."

Straight Eye for the Queer Guy, Men's Fashion

2011-06-14T14:57:00.000-07:00

Turnabout is fair play, and being well dressed is just as imperative for gay men as it is for those who are straight. A few fashion tips for gay and bisexual men follow.

Gay men sometimes are beholden to a metrosexual stereotype regardless of their stylistic persuasion – whether they are couch potatos or do, in fact, dress to impress. Though this pre-emptive assumption can be beneficial or positive in the sense that many people perceive gay men to be fashionable and cosmopolitan, it can also lead to assumptions regarding fashion choices that simply do not hold water.

Conservative, Muted Colours with a Bold Accessory (Ties, Cufflinks, Eyeglasses)

Breaking the mould is one thing that should be at the top of all men's lists, as nobody makes an impression without standing out a bit from the crowd. Challenging the flamboyant and excessive stereotype with a more streamlined, serious, and yet polished look is one suggested avenue for gay men who wish to strike out in an individualistic direction.

Fit is still supremely important, though it should be tapered in suit jackets and dress shirts without looking too tight – appropriate fit is not only aesthetically attractive, but it is comfortable and well-rounded. Just as suit jackets that are too large look slovenly and unattractive, the same holds true for suit jackets or dress shirts that are too tight.

Colour is another consideration, particularly in the sense that the liberalization of men's fashion has increased the spectrum of commonly worn colours. What this means is that pushing the envelope no longer means only combining an entire ensemble of bold tones, but also the possibility of incorporating these bright hues via a striking centerpiece on a background of well-tailored, conservative base colours.

Gay men should consider choosing a mix-and-match approach to building an image that is both unpredictable and captivating; by selecting premium quality items from both conservative and bold categories (and accentuating the bold by limiting it to one exquisite centerpiece such as a gold paisley necktie or a nice pair of Dolce & Gabbana eyeglasses) gay men will not only display excellent taste in co-ordinating a wardrobe but will also find a greater range of individual expression that diverges in an unexpected yet professional direction.

Gay Fashion Faux Pas – No More Sockless Shoes, Boys!

One unfortunate byproduct of having crafted a market specific to gay fashion trends is the explicit possibility of crafting some truly horrific advice for men who are simply looking to improve their image. No larger culprit can be found than a receding insinuation that loafers be worn without socks.

No shoe, particularly leather shoes such as the high-quality designer footwear normally associated with this trend, should ever be worn sockless. Not only will wearing leather shoes or loafers without socks contribute to extremely smelly feet, it will also contribute to a pair warped, discoloured, and odorous leather shoes. For those who can't relinquish their sockless revolution without a fight, sandals or the extremely interesting Sanuk brand of “sidewalk surfers” are the most appropriate forms of footwear that can be worn without socks.

Skinny jeans are another particular fashion faux pas that has been appropriated from the gay community and now is in widespread use by trend-seeking hipsters. Skinny jeans, without reservation, are not flattering on men in any context and cannot be worn in any professional capacity. Further, men of average build and those more heavyset will look absolutely ridiculous in a pair of skinny jeans.

By keeping a trained eye and a motivation for complementary mixing-and-matching that blends the best of both style worlds, gay men can express themselves without falling prey to aesthetic prejudice or sartorial pigeonholing – unable to be categorized, these men gain much greater power through the expression of their individual image and personality.

Written by N. Morine of Suite 101

How To Steal a Gay Kiss

2011-06-10T17:09:00.000-07:00

The first thing to keep in mind is--no lunging. Your movement into the first kiss should be a natural extension of a light, playful attitude towards touching that you have established from the start of the conversation, not some predatory lurch that comes out of the blue. So prepare the moment well in advance by getting him comfortable with being touched by you. We’re not talking about gross sexual groping, but instead a series of small gestures that lets him know you’re interested and not afraid of tactile contact. Examine his jewelry, feel the fabric of his shirt, flick some imaginary lint off his collar, grasp his forearm to make a point, lean in close to hear what he’s saying. Your friend should feel relaxed with your touch long before you’re ready to kiss him.

No mutual interest, no kiss. So in your conversation, work on creating a fun atmosphere of shared attraction. Joke around. Flirt. Tease. Watch for indications of interest: you touch him, he touches you back; his eyes catch yours; he responds to your jokes and games with ones of his own; he doesn’t shy from sex talk or introduces his own double entendres. Ready to make your move?

Talking and flirting can be done in a bar or club but kissing is far more intimate and demands privacy. Only newly-minted lovers kiss in public. So don’t put your new friend on the spot and try to kiss him when there are people around. Instead, be smooth and move your date to a "kiss zone" – a semi-private spot away from prying eyes where you can be alone together, but not a blatant sex location like your bedroom or hotel room. Made-to-order kiss zones might be: a dark corner, a quiet hallway, a bench or patio outside the club. To help overcome any discomfort your friend might be feeling, provide a plausible reason for the move: "Let’s sit over there where we can talk," "God it’s hot in here, let’s go outside," or (if he’s with his buddies) "Can I borrow your friend for a minute? I want to ask him something."

Once in the kiss zone, continue developing attraction as before, but don’t be in a hurry. Instead, let the tension build. Take your friend’s hand and throw it away. Move close, then move back. Compliment, then tease. Try the "triangular gaze": look your friend in the eyes, then look down at his lips, then back to his eyes. This bit of body language signals that you’re strongly attracted and ready at any moment to kiss. Time to close the deal.

The touching, the flirting, the quiet location--perhaps you’ve been playing a game with your lover, but your lover has been playing too. He knows what’s coming and, what’s more, wants it to come, though he may be shy. Help him along. After a triangular gaze, murmur something nice about his lips and brush the back of your fingers across them. If he accepts your gesture, he’s ready to be kissed. Draw him to you and kiss him lightly.

A variation of the above: "You have beautiful hair." Reach over and rake your fingers gently through his hair, draw close and smell it, or even take a little taste. If he accepts and enjoys this intimate gesture, he’ll be receptive to your lips. Gaze into his eyes, pull him to you and kiss.

The famous pick-up artist Mystery has a third method a bit more playful and verbal. Once in the kiss zone, simply give your friend a significant glance and ask, "Do you want to kiss me?" If the answer is yes, you know what to do. If the answer is no, remain indifferent and say, "Oh. I didn’t say you could but you looked like you had something on your mind." If the answer indicates any uncertainty ("Maybe," "I’m not sure"), say provocatively "Let’s find out," take him in your arms and go for it.

Don’t be too aggressive with your first kiss. Given all the build up, a gentle brush of the lips should be enough to ignite your lover’s passion. Go with the flow. Sit, wait, let things happen. The tension has been broken. You’re moving into new territory. Enjoy the moment.

The Beauty of a Male Kiss: #1

2011-06-10T16:41:00.001-07:00

Our winner in the "The Beauty of A Male Kiss" Contest is...

The Beauty of a Male Kiss: #2

2011-06-10T16:40:00.001-07:00

The Beauty of a Male Kiss: #3

2011-06-10T16:38:00.000-07:00

The Beauty of a Male Kiss: #4

2011-06-09T19:42:00.000-07:00

The others coming tomorrow...

The Beauty of a Male Kiss: #5

2011-06-09T16:33:00.000-07:00

Your First Gay Kiss

2011-06-03T11:48:00.001-07:00

The world as I knew it completely changed after my first gay kiss. I mean, I'd kissed girls before, but my first kiss with a guy confirmed all of the feelings I'd had buried inside for so long. It was almost like a fairy tale, especially since the guy was someone I'd had a crush on for a very long time. It was after that special moment with him at 17 that I started to dream of building a life with another man—a home, kids and all kinds of pets.

When was your first kiss?

Yesimagaypilot:

Since I'm sorta new to the gay dating scene, I never had my first kiss (yes, even at the age of 25) [until] my boyfriend, Jared, [and I] went out to dinner last night. That night I was feeling a real connection like never before (we have been dating for a little more than a month). We played footsies under the table giggled at each other and stared. After dinner we went out to his car and I began to get butterflies. And as he opened the door I grabbed by his shirt and made out with him. It was so nice, his lips were so soft and comforting, I didn't want to stop, but I did. Then he smiled and we couldn't stop giggling after that, I swear. My throat hurt so bad I was laughing so hard. Now I just cant stop thinking about him and how I want to kiss him again...

Benny77:

I always liked taking things slow and get to know that person first. Quickie sex might be instantly gratifying, but very short lived. I think you need more than sex to build a strong relationship. I met a guy years ago and when I looked into his eyes, I just melted every time. No other guy ever made me feel this way... It's more than lust and so much better. We went out a few times and I finally told him how I felt. That first kiss was like no other since...

Share your first gay kiss

Does a Long Distance Gay Relationship Work?

2011-05-25T14:59:00.000-07:00

Matthew and Edward fell in love the moment they met online. They’re now in a long distance relationship and their love for each other is going stronger. Matthew has visited his boyfriend in California four times and Edward has seen Matthew in California five times.

Many of their friends doubted that their relationship wouldn’t last a month. Well, Matthew and Edward have been in a long distance relationship for six months now. Here are some tips to sustain a long distance relationship.

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

There are three key ingredients for a great gay relationship (or any relationship). The first one is communication. The second is communication. The third ingredient is communication.

We no longer live in prehistoric civilization where people communicate through puffs of smokes. We’re in the age of digital technology where people can communicate anytime, anywhere.

Exchange e-mails with your partner to communicate. You can also use instant messaging services to keep in touch. What’s more, Skype and Yahoo messenger provide you with the opportunity to call your partner on the Internet for free.

You don’t have any excuse to communicate now that messages are instantaneous and calls are free. One more thing, make sure that you understand the huge difference between communicating and mere talking.

Stay focused and grounded

Long distance relationship can work if both partners stay focused and grounded. Many gay people can attest to the fact that such relationship attracts more temptations compared with a traditional relationship. If you love and respect your partner, resist any temptation that comes your way.

Always tell yourself that you’re in a great relationship and that you must not put yourself in a very compromising position. Forget about the "Sex and the City" episodes you’ve seen. They will only make you feel depleted. You and your partner may want to have commitment rings/studs/bracelets or any token that will remind both of you how you love each other.

Trust

Trust is the foundation of a gay long distance relationship. You have to trust that your loved one will do the right thing. Also, trust that you’ll do the same thing.

You must be very aware that an abyss awaits any gay couple, and that you and your partner can give in to temptation anytime because, it’s your choice at the end of the day. What you can do as lovers is to be the best persons that you can be.

Yes, it’s very difficult to be in a long distance relationship. Not only do you have distance issues (it’s a given), but you also have to work out trust and communication issues. But making such relation work and last is possible.

Top to Bottom

2011-05-19T20:38:00.000-07:00

By J. Macey
J. Macey lives in a liberal city in an otherwise unmentionable state and has eyesight permanently damaged from long evenings spent writing at an old wooden desk in an older brick apartment building. The author's angry housecat recently mutilated a handsome antique captains chair that rests its pleather body upon genuine mahogany legs; it was his favorite piece of furniture. It is nearly impossible to find quality pleather furniture, so if you do, defend it from said tabby. She is 11" tall and does not answer to anything.

After sitting in a cubicle all week, there’s nothing I enjoy more than disco. Away from my boring breeding co-workers, a night spent dancing with a group of sweaty, shirtless, gregarious, and generally hot guys is relaxing and reminds me that there’s light at the end of the workweek.

Even if most of the people in the club are strangers, there’s a sense of commonality that I have neither experienced nor witnessed at straight clubs; straight guys fight, queer guys vogue.

That’s why having our own separate space is so important.

As a toned 20-something with a thick head of hair and a flattering wardrobe, and especially as a top, I get my fair share of attention at the clubs. But even if I happen to be single at the time, and even if the potential suitor appears to fit my ridiculously narrow parameters for potential boyfriends, I’m rarely interested in allowing anything to develop. It took awhile to not feel like a loser dancing only with friends, or alone, but it also took me a long time to learn that I look better without rings on half my fingers and a silver chain beneath my chest hair.

One drunken Saturday night, after the friends I’d come with had hooked up with other people, I decided to approach a guy who’d thrown me a couple glances. We had a great time. He met all the prerequisites: height (not too tall); hair (full and dark), and position (bottom, bottom, bottom!). When he yell-whispered into my ear the precise kink that consumes my fantasies, I almost took him home.

But take him home I didn’t. I told him to wait for me while I went to use the bathroom. But I never came back. Instead, my buddies and I stumbled to the 24-hour greasy diner requisite of a proper gay night out and made our way home, completing another gloriously repetitive night. Needless to say, the next day I felt like a complete asshole.

For me, casually dating or fucking guys is a lot of work. In fact, to the surprise of many, I find that it can be harder with men than with women. We’ve all heard the line about bisexuality being sensible because it increases one’s prospective dating pool, and while that’s still true for me, the numbers don’t increase for a female-to-male transsexual top the way they do for non-trans tops.

It wasn’t too long ago that I discovered the scores of gay bio guys on craigslist looking for gay trans guys. When I began transition in high school, and later when I discovered the existence of trans guys who like other guys, and even later when I realized my existence as a trans guy who likes every gender (but never blonde), I by no means thought I’d live to see the day that FTMs were fetishized. For better or worse, everyone knows about transgender women, but female-to-male might as well mean unicorn-to-leprechaun; the general population doesn’t understand we exist, let alone how cool we are. (Well, some of us.) Now that more and more gay guys are realizing that they can enjoy dating and fucking us, the lives of biomen-loving-transguys are changing.

However, with appreciated exception, almost every FTM-chasing fag is looking for a bottom. There are a lot of FTM-chasing tops and FTM bottoms, and I’ll bet they’re having a lot of hot sex as you read this. Good for all of them. But back to me: What’s a transguy top to do? I can’t speak from personal experience, but suspect that most bioguys would rather hear that I have crabs than about the pimped out equipment I carry below my belt.

Due to this frustrating reality, I don’t sleep around, and I am discriminating about whom I’ll pursue. At this point in my life, as a young, untethered, self-sufficient, and generally confidant and content man, I don’t pursue anyone I don’t have reason to believe is worth the hassle. Bottoms are a lot of work, whether they love you or not. I don’t like to waste my time or anyone else’s.

I’m not one of those FTMs who thinks that we should deny the benefits of the tranny bonus hole; far from it. As someone who loves and appreciates bottoms, and sort of relies upon them to have real sex, I think it’s great when other transmen are able to fully utilize the complexities of their bodies while retaining their sense of masculinity and integrity. Smoke ’em if you’ve got ’em.

I, however, am not a bottom. This seems to leave guys confused as to what, exactly, I expect to do with them. For example, there’s the closet-case who bottomed with every other guy he was with, who I handcuffed and spanked, who still thought I was a bottom. After untying him, he nervously moved between my legs, furrowed his brow, and took aim before I realized his intentions.

It’s not just the prospect of having sex with me that seems to confuse guys, though. Then there’s the guy I met at a club and went out with a few times. He was gorgeous, and on our first date unexpectedly told me, “I will cook for you, I will clean for you, but I am keeping my job! Now watch the movie.” Upon learning what makes me so interesting, he looked devastated and said that he had to go home to take a nap. I never saw him again, and needless to say, that’s a good thing.

I’ve been talking tranny to friends, enemies, schools, co-workers, and medical and social service providers for years now. Though I’ve gained insight and otherwise benefited from doing so, that game for me is as played out as the phrase played out. Once tragically desperate to discuss gender until I lost the energy to lift my perfectly pomaded head, eventually it seems that I said everything I had to say – repeatedly – to varying reactions. Thus, in an effort to preempt more talk (any short, dark haired, funny vegetarian bottoms reading this?), let me cover some of the important stuff right here – some of the stuff I’m tired of explaining. You’ll notice that I am most tired of explaining the physical mechanics of my body, as other aspects of transgender life are at least more likely to avoid me repeating myself. Hopefully if I hit on you you’ll know what to look forward to having read this.

Foremost, before getting to the flesh and bolts, know that my masculinity is not debatable. If you’re having a hard time seeing me as a man, deal with it. I’m probably having a hard time seeing you as interesting. Don’t explain to me the conditions under which you will accept my masculinity, or those under which you will not (“Well, as long as you stand up…”). Remember that heterosexism questionnaire that delighted you the first five times you read it? The one that asks how people know they’re straight if they’ve never made sweet, sweet love to someone of the same sex? Well, I’ve lived as a woman. I’ve seen the ‘other’ side (though we all know gender isn’t really binary, right?) and know in my heart that I am not one. Most men know that without ever having lived as a woman; I at least made the effort to do the research. If there were only so much masculinity to go around, who would be more deserving: the guy who hardly noticed his, or the one who dwelled on it, paid countless dollars, lost the support of supposedly supportive people, and generally took great risks to be who he is?

As are many FTMs, I am passable. Unless you have seen many, many transguys, (seriously, a lot of transguys) you’d assume I was born male if I approached you at a bar. I am officially average height for an American man, tragically hairy, and last month I was called “straight-acting” by a guy who seemed to think I would find it a compliment. As are many FTMs, I have a muscular chest with surgical scars - which I’d prefer were absent, or at least less prominent, but the fact is that I was stacked, and I’m grateful that the surgeon got the topography right. Being able to just put on a t-shirt and rush out the door is a luxury I now try to remember to not take for granted.

There are many reasons that transguys often choose not to have bottom surgery. Amongst them are access to proper medical care, the monetary cost, and dangerously varying results. My reason, however, is that after top surgery and the better part of a decade on testosterone, my body is already awesome.

The clitoris has over 8,000 nerve fibers, more than any other organ in the body of any sex, and exists solely for sexual pleasure. Mine is on steroids. Time permitting, I can orgasm about five times a day and never once make a mess. Impotence isn’t anything for me to worry about (my impotence, that is). Partners with sensitive gag reflexes have no problem with me, but can feel in their mouths the difference between erection and post-erection. If I am so horny that my vision blurs, I can slip my hands into my jeans and bring myself sexual relief without the sounds or evidence typical of bio males. There’s no need for a jock strap, because my equipment doesn’t flop all over the place (rude!). Then there’s my opinion that a flaccid penis tends to appear depressed and resigned, as though the subject of an insufferable country song. If I want to piss standing up, or bend a hot guy over the couch and fuck him, I have attachments that will do the trick – any size, shape, or color, electric or standard, so long as we both shall live. Transguys and our appendages have come a long, long way together. And if the health of a particular appendage was to come into question, it could be replaced much more easily than one permanently attached to my body.

To take this thorough analysis one step further, men-loving-bio men: If you assume your partner needs a dick to give you a good time in bed, you are unimaginative and uninspired and possibly not doing it right. Necessity breeds creativity, and I’ve learned how to get what I want and fulfill my partner at the same time. If you’re dependent upon something up your ass to get off, great; you can suck off your FTM top and have him bend you over within moments – we don’t take nearly as long to recharge. More bang for your buck.

I could have explained all this to the hot guy at the disco that night, and maybe I should have. But I wasn’t obligated to share so much about myself after a little dancing and groping, or give an impromptu workshop on tranny loving, or – worst case scenario – have to defend myself in any way. I shouldn’t have to, because I’m not wearing a disguise. What you see is what you get, and if you’re seeing things that aren’t there, you need to watch more Priscilla. Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups, baby. Maybe I could have taken home that hot, dark-haired bottom, pushed him down, and gotten right to business without giving him the chance to be a jerk. Maybe he’d spent years dating FTM tops and hoped I was one. How the hell do I know?

The moral of the story is that there’s often more to transmen than meets the inexperienced eye. We were never the elusive unicorns that we are sometimes made out to be, though we played the part of something that felt comparably foreign. Take it from a top, guys: If you come across a hot transguy whilst cruising the bars, consider whether you are reading his sexuality correctly. If you make the right moves, he, like a leprechaun, may just bring you good luck. You might not be used to our charms, but they’re delicious.

Well, mine are, at least.

Tips for Real Successful Gay Dating

2011-05-19T20:31:00.000-07:00

Finding the perfect date is never easy. May be you are bisexual, gay or a bicurious, but you also face the same problem. People often become puzzled with questions like what to wear, where to go and what to say

If you are preparing for your first date just remember the most important thing – that is to be you and simply relax. In this article you will get few tips for your first date, on how can you make your first date real success. Try to reach it early. It is obvious that you are not so much confident and you need to go to washroom to have the final touch, and by reaching early you can actually do that with any notice to your date. You can become relax, wash your face and hands, fix your hair.

You need to wear dress to impress your partner. You do not need to look like anything that you are not. Just make sure you are dressing as per the location and occasion. Make sure that you are comfortable in the dress, so that you will feel confident. Where to go is also a big question , try to go to somewhere which is your common choice. But it should not too far from your home.

You should be familiar with the place. The place should be calm and quite so that you can hear each other properly.

You may become shaky on your first date, just relax. Listen the person sitting in front of you. This will you to know understand him better. Try to know his interests to know him better. Ask him questions and also tell him about yourself. Sharing facts about yourself will make you date feel relaxed. Do not mention about your past, and any type of negative experiences. Every new date is a new beginning to think about present and future only.

Try to make your partner comfortable and confident. It is about knowing each other. Each of you should know who you are. Guys always like confident people. Wear your best underwear. It does not matter much even if you do not end up in bed, still the underwear will make you feel sexy and confident. Wear those colors you like that can provide you the extra courage to move forward if you are too much shy.

Always play safe in relations. If you are out for a one night stand then just go for it and have fun. If you want a long relationship and keep sex for future, then simply speak to each other and try to know each other. Be decent and give respect to the other person, so that he can return you the same. If you are not interested then tell him at his face politely. So both of you can be free again.

Few things to remember: be confident, you have your own abilities and have faith on them. And hope for the best.