The issues of adopting a particular physical role in a relationship

For gay men, the issue of adopting a particular physical role is an important and sometimes problematic part of a relationship. All relationships work in different ways but gay men are essentially considered to be either passive, active or versatile in terms of the physical position assumed during lovemaking.

Passive means that the partner is only ever penetrated. Active means that the partner only ever penetrates. Versatile means that the partner takes up both positions. There are many slang or common terms for this. Active partners are often referred to as the 'top' whereas passive partners are generally referred to as the 'bottom'.

Crude sniggers and idle curiosity aside, this is an issue that is a fundamental aspect of physical gay relationships for a number of different reasons.

There can be pressures to be one or the other

In gay relationships, more commonly one partner adopts the passive role and one the active role. This is fine if both partners enjoy those roles but it can be problematic if one partner is dissatisfied with this. In a long-term relationship, a partner that has always been passive may decide that he wants to become more versatile, which can put pressure on the active partner to take up a position that he may not be comfortable with. This is an aspect of gay relationships that doesn't particularly exist within straight relationships for obvious physiological reasons. Some gay relationships can and will break down as partners change their preference for which position they want to take.

There are different risks

Passive partners are inherently at more physical risk than their active equivalent. Anal injuries, even relatively slight, can be reasonably common and over time, gay men that regularly assume the passive role can experience a number of medical complaints. This can mean that if only one partner ever assumes this position, the couple's sex life can suffer in the event of problems. In committed, monogamous relationships, the risk of sexually-transmitted diseases is greatly reduced but if the relationship is open or casual then the passive partner is at a higher risk of contracting disease. This can lead to some gay men to refusing to adopt this position out of fear of the risks.Expectations change over timeIt is reasonably common for gay men to be more sexually adventurous and demanding than their straight counterparts. The term 'hungry bottom' refers to a gay man who enjoys rigorous or even violent passive anal sex. This can put pressure on relationships where the other partner is expected to 'perform' in a certain way and may not be comfortable with this. Sexually aggressive men don't always partner up with other sexually aggressive men and this can cause problems in the relationship.

It can be a barrier in new relationships

Some gay men will be reluctant to look past their assumed role. That is, if they are a top, then they will insist that a new partner is a bottom before they will even go on a date or certainly before they will get seriously involved. Sexual positions can dominate gay relationships in a way that straight individuals would never even consider. On gay dating sites, for example, it is very normal to list the preferred position, filtering out those that don't match the requirement. In some ways, this exists at the expense of getting to know people. Not all gay people are so motivated by this but many are absolutely unmovable on it.

Physical roles impact on emotional and social rolesIn many gay relationships, physical roles seem to dictate emotional and social roles. A man who is sexually passive may well be more emotionally passive in other areas of the relationship as though he needs or wants to be dominated by the other partner. This may work very well, but in some cases, men who are passive sexually are not necessarily prepared to be the same in other aspects of the relationship. Again, this can cause friction and problems between partners.Sexuality is a complicated thing, regardless of an individual's gender preference. In gay relationships, there are unique issues that cannot be ignored if individuals are looking to build something meaningful together. Relationship counseling for gay men often focuses on the issue of adopting physical roles and there are no easy answers. Essentially, individuals must work out what is right for them.